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poptart


Coach

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Date:
another boy update - **final update
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Well, we have decided not to see each other any more. I think it's the best decision. I'm still kind've upset/sad about it of course. (Okay, a lot upset sad) But I don't think it could have gone any other way. I don't think he really wanted it to, anyway. Thanks for all the advice, everyone.


-----------------------


First, thank you all for the support and advice on my boy situation last week. Things have changed a bit now, and I don't know what to do. Well, I think I know what I should do, but I don't want to do it.


I had decided to tell him this weekend that I didn't think we were working, but he'd planned a nice night for us on Sat, so we went out, had a fun time, etc. But it was a pretty short date w/o a lot of interaction, so I didn't feel like the timing was right for a conversation. He did, however, compliment my outfit when he picked me up.


I called him to see if he'd want to hang out last night. Ended up meeting him and some of his friends out - it was kind've awkward - then went back to his place and I basically told him that though I really like him, I feel like he's holding back from getting emotionally involved with me and that kind of relationship isn't what I'm looking for. He acknowledged that he feels like we are in a "futureless" relationship due to my feelings about our religious differences. He said he doesn't feel like he could ever be what I'm looking for. (And I really don't think this was a line of crap that he was using to try to get me to end it.) I told him that I had thought of that when I agreed to date him in the first place, and had decided to see what happened and accept that I'd probably get hurt. And I said that my feelings about it were unchanged, but that I didn't want to keep dating him if he couldn't invest any more emotionally.


To abbreviate my already long story, in the end he said he thought we should keep dating, but just not ignore the fact that we have this big issue.


Now I am feeling like I am being unfair to him, b/c ultimately it is me that has the issue with the religion thing, and here I am asking him to get more involved with me even though it can't go anywhere. And it's not that I want to hurt him - I'm just endlessly optimistic and romantic about what "could" happen in situations like this. *shame* So is it unfair to continue dating him, even though he's aware, theoretically, of what he's getting into? Or is it just stupid on my part to do this to myself and him?


I should tell him I can't date him, right?



-- Edited by Lisa at 21:54, 2005-10-25

-- Edited by Lisa at 10:33, 2005-10-26

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Elle


Hermes

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Posts: 7139
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RE: another boy update
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Man, that sucks.  But like you already said, you know what you have to do.  And since you feel like it can't go anywhere anyway, you could technically be keeping yourself from meeting someone it could go somewhere with because you're holding onto this guy.  IMO it's more unfair to you to continue this relationship than it is to him.


Good luck - keep us posted!



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NCshopper


Hermes

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LMonet wrote:

Man, that sucks.  But like you already said, you know what you have to do.  And since you feel like it can't go anywhere anyway, you could technically be keeping yourself from meeting someone it could go somewhere with because you're holding onto this guy.  IMO it's more unfair to you to continue this relationship than it is to him. Good luck - keep us posted!

I agree with this completely.  If you continue to date him, you're just denying yourself the chance to meet someone more compatible with your views.  Not to mention you'll both be getting more and more emotionally attached, which will make it harder to break up in the long run. 


I think since you've already had a big talk about it, he knows it's coming someday, so you might as well break up with him now.  It sounds like he'd be pretty understanding about it as well so is it possible you could still be friends with him?  Would that be something you'd be interested in?  Just a thought.



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Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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For some reason, this made me think of the episode in Will and Grace when Grace tried to break up with Gregory Hines (Heinz?) and he said "I do not accept that." So he refused to be broken up with, and finally she decided he was right. And then as soon as she wanted to stay together he said, "Grace, I think we should see other people..."

I don't think you're jerking him around. And I agree with Lmonet, how are you going to meet other people who might be more right for you if you're on his couch every weekend?

This guy is my beige silk sweater - I feel like Mr. Rogers when I wear it, but I can't get rid of it because it is too nice a basic and someday I might have an outfit that works with it. Someday.... Meanwhile, I am wasting my closet time on an almost-winner, tryign to work it different ways, overthinking the whole thing, instead of just wearing something I like better. Or finding a new sweater.

Moral of the story: There are more nice beige silk sweaters out there that will work with my body type, and there are more nice boys out there who won't feel awkward and be judgy and who will fit your religion issues (since they sound non-negotiable). We will both find something better...

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blubirde


Chanel

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Just to present another point of view (because the girls have given you some great advice), but what if this rule you have (religious viewpoints) keeps you from meeting someone really great? I'm not saying this guy is really great or that you have a "rule" exactly or even that religion doesn't deserve to be a make it or break it point because I can see how it certainly can be. However, let's just say that there's a way to make the religious differences work in the end (he's willing to budge, you are, or you go the civil route in marriage, etc. - just ideas) - is it possible?


I'm certainly not in your situation, I don't know your guy and I'm not religious at all, but I'm always wary of situations that revolve around a prerequisite. For instance, I want a person who is ambitious and has a successful career, whatever it may be. I think this is a must but I also recognize that if he's the right person, we can work through issues like that no matter what I thought before I met him.


So I guess the question is whether he's worth fighting for, if this potential relationship is worth fighting for. Because if it is, or if it potentially is, then I'd say stick with it and see what happens. If he's not that special, then let it go and move on to find someone who will be worth it, whether he meets your requirements or not.


Let us know what you decide to do!



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poptart


Coach

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blubirde wrote:

 However, let's just say that there's a way to make the religious differences work in the end (he's willing to budge, you are, or you go the civil route in marriage, etc. - just ideas) - is it possible?

This is completely the perspective I have had up to this point in my life. (I just read that you are a Sagittarius too - I think it's the risk taking aspect of our sign!)


But in March, my BF that I had been dating for two years broke up b/c of this issue. (I should clarify that it's not the logistics necessarily - I'm totally not a rule-oriented religious person - but just that I really do want to be with someone who can participate in that aspect of my life with me.) I don't have any regrets about the time I spent with my ex-BF, but I don't want to go through that again, either. On the other hand, I don't want to be rigid and not leave room for me and this guy finding some sort of compromise, if he is really great and if some compromise exists.


My fear is that I'm just fooling myself into thinking there's a workable compromise and there really isn't.


And Dizzy, NCShopper and LMonet are all right: I don't feel to great about spending tons of time hung up on him and not meeting other people. And I am a big fan of this guy.



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Forget, forgive, conclude, and be agreed. - Shakespeare
esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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i'm sorry, i got confused.  what is the religious issue exactly?  you don't want to marry outside of your faith or he doesn't want to marry outside of his?  or both?



-- Edited by esquiress at 21:06, 2005-10-24

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poptart


Coach

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Posts: 1764
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esquiress wrote:

i'm sorry, i got confused.  what is the religious issue exactly?  you don't want to marry outside of your faith or he doesn't want to marry outside of his?  or both?-- Edited by esquiress at 21:06, 2005-10-24
Oh, sorry about that. It's me not wanting to marry outside of mine.

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Forget, forgive, conclude, and be agreed. - Shakespeare
esquiress


Marc Jacobs

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ok, got it.  i think that is a perfectly legitimate decision by the way--it's definitely a decision every person must make for themselves and if it's a part of your life that you want to be able to share, you should be able to do so. 


because again, you shouldn't feel bad for having needs.  if he can't meet them, you have to decide where to go from there.  but as it stands he's telling you he's not the guy you want him to be and doesn't think he will ever be the guy you want him to be.  anything that goes forward from that moment on is kind of "on you".  like he told you where he stands, you have to be ok with that.  if you think you can be, great.  but if you can't, you should probably stop dating him to save yourself future heartache.


sorry, sweetie, i know that's not what you wanted to hear.



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sephorablue


Marc Jacobs

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Date:
RE: another boy update - **final update
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so sorry you are sad... but I think you definitely made the right call.

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