STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Oh my God, y'all, it's been way too long since like we talked and stuff! But I have had my hands full with being all huge and pregnant because it turns out that being pregnant is actually sort of uncomfortable and even though I thought I would be all glowing and stuff the whole time, I actually mostly just had to pee a lot and then I had, like, this really big fight with my mom because she told me I looked broad as a barn, or something, which I think is just mean, because the Chillatos I was drinking were for her GRANDSON, hello, and then Kevin was just I don't even know where half the time, but all that's over now because I had the baby and now I'm back out at the Coffee Bean!

Okay, now, just wait a second. I know the pants are way too long. I know, I know, I know. They are. But I am a NEW MOTHER and I don't have time to be all running out to Demin Doctors or whatever to get my jeans hemmed up. I am BRINGING UP A CHILD. I am INVESTING IN THE FUTURE OF AMERICA THROUGH THE CHILDREN, or something. I don't have time for TAILORS and stuff. But other than that, seriously, don't you think I actually look pretty good, I mean, considering? I mean, didn't you sort of suspect that I might just totally start showing up places wearing like a muu-muu and one of those old lady rain hats made out of old plastic bags and chain-smoking or something? Like I would just decide that I was totally going to just give up on all that exercising they used to make me do and start living on, you know, fiery Cheetos and Jolt?  Okay, but listen, listen -- didn't you also think I was going to name the baby, like, Marlboro Milkshake Spears or something lame like that? DIDN'T YOU? I KNOW you did. And I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T. I named him SEAN. Like a NORMAL PERSON. See, I can be a TOTALLY NORMAL PERSON even though I have all these people with cameras following me around and my husband won't stop drinking Pabst straight out of the tap, like would it kill him to use a cup or something? Between you and me, and please seriously don't mention this to the Star or anything, he is really starting to get on my nerves. First of all, he was smoking a cigar to celebrate having the baby and that's totally fine but he actually lit the cigar with a two dollar bill that he set on fire and I told him that we don't have enough money to actually DO THAT and then he told me that a two dollar bill WASN'T REAL MONEY and then I actually had to take him to the McDonald's and buy some McNuggets with one before he would believe me that it was and honestly I am getting a little tired of his behavior and I am thinking about taking the baby and a couple of the nannies and getting in the car and going to Justin's and just throwing myself on his mercy because he totally can't turn down a girl who has a baby because that would just be mean.

And Kevin and my mother can just fend for themselves. See how they like it when I'm not even around anymore. Here's a hint: THEY WON'T.