STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I wish there was a way to protect this post from visitors and only have it open to ST members!

Ok, so this is a ridiculously embarassing post for me to write.  Many of you already know that 3 years ago we finally left Ohio and moved to NJ.  That move was prompted by many things...a need to start fresh in a place 'not haunted' by my ex, a desire to be closer to many of my friends, a need for a better school system for Mister Man, and yes...the new relationship I was in.  I touched on it here and there before...but the end result it this...the relationship which long-distance was a great fit and easy and fun, became absolute misery within weeks of moving.  A raging temper, ease of lying and sordid past were all revealed in my partner soon after we settled in...and every week more negative things came out.  The problem then was that we (my son and I) were basically stuck.  I had sold my car, furniture and most of our belongings before leaving Ohio...as the plan had been to temporarily move into my partner's home until all three of us found a new place. 

Fast forward now...during these three years I have struggled to save up to move again as my partner has controlled my finances and income and expenses.  Thankfully I was able to secretly funnel small amounts into my ING account without his knowing, so I have a teeny tiny base amount.  In the meantime I have mulitple time removed myself and my son from this house and stayed with friends on sofas or the like, but eventually had to return due to my son's school and not having a vehicle, etc...  So right about now I'm a crappy mother who put her son in a situation where he is nervous and scared and defensive and aggresive.  We've broken up any number of times but I've never been able to move back out because I'm in basically a powerless position.  Any time I buy something for myself or my son, it's a matter of going through him to retrieve my money from the bank.  And then only if he 'approves' of the purchase.

God, this is so humiliating to write. 

Anyway, last fall I finally told him and everyone that we would be moving this summer.  The moment I did so everything got worse.  All of sudden he was borrowing money from me before I ever saw it.  As in, cashing my paycheck and only bringing home a portion.  Since November I've been paying for everything...rent, bills, etc...  And he's been complaining about not having money.  So he's basically in debt to me in the thousands...which I know I'll never see. 

When school ended I began to really get down to the business of moving.  I finally picked an area.  And I'm searching high and low for a cheap car that will get us there. 

My goal is to get us moved right before school starts or at least within a week of it starting.  And honestly, we're both just gnawing at the bit...freedom is so close we can taste it, you know?  The real reality is that the next year will be incredibly difficult.  I know we're going to fall flat on our faces several times.  I feel so incredibly guilty for allowing this situation to go on so long and for all the crap my son has had to deal with, and for how hard it's going to be when we move.  I've just been to embarrassed to admit that even after I realized that this relationship was a huge mistake, I couldn't get out of it. 

I'm incredibly ashamed of myself in regards to what I've allowed myself to live with these past three years. 

I will say this, I'm optimistic about the future.  I know that long term we are going to be so much better...even though the next year or so will be hard.  I'm basically starting from scratch for real this time...clothing, dishes, and Mister Man's toys.  But nothing else.  So, if you've read this, can you just send some good thoughts my way?  I just need to be honest and admit that I could really use positive encouragement.  The stress of this move and these past three years has caught up to me.

I'm sorry it took me so long to open up about all this.

And even now, I'm totally wanting to delete it all before I hit submit.