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Marc Jacobs

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Moving, meltdowns and me...
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I wish there was a way to protect this post from visitors and only have it open to ST members!

Ok, so this is a ridiculously embarassing post for me to write.  Many of you already know that 3 years ago we finally left Ohio and moved to NJ.  That move was prompted by many things...a need to start fresh in a place 'not haunted' by my ex, a desire to be closer to many of my friends, a need for a better school system for Mister Man, and yes...the new relationship I was in.  I touched on it here and there before...but the end result it this...the relationship which long-distance was a great fit and easy and fun, became absolute misery within weeks of moving.  A raging temper, ease of lying and sordid past were all revealed in my partner soon after we settled in...and every week more negative things came out.  The problem then was that we (my son and I) were basically stuck.  I had sold my car, furniture and most of our belongings before leaving Ohio...as the plan had been to temporarily move into my partner's home until all three of us found a new place. 

Fast forward now...during these three years I have struggled to save up to move again as my partner has controlled my finances and income and expenses.  Thankfully I was able to secretly funnel small amounts into my ING account without his knowing, so I have a teeny tiny base amount.  In the meantime I have mulitple time removed myself and my son from this house and stayed with friends on sofas or the like, but eventually had to return due to my son's school and not having a vehicle, etc...  So right about now I'm a crappy mother who put her son in a situation where he is nervous and scared and defensive and aggresive.  We've broken up any number of times but I've never been able to move back out because I'm in basically a powerless position.  Any time I buy something for myself or my son, it's a matter of going through him to retrieve my money from the bank.  And then only if he 'approves' of the purchase.

God, this is so humiliating to write. 

Anyway, last fall I finally told him and everyone that we would be moving this summer.  The moment I did so everything got worse.  All of sudden he was borrowing money from me before I ever saw it.  As in, cashing my paycheck and only bringing home a portion.  Since November I've been paying for everything...rent, bills, etc...  And he's been complaining about not having money.  So he's basically in debt to me in the thousands...which I know I'll never see. 

When school ended I began to really get down to the business of moving.  I finally picked an area.  And I'm searching high and low for a cheap car that will get us there. 

My goal is to get us moved right before school starts or at least within a week of it starting.  And honestly, we're both just gnawing at the bit...freedom is so close we can taste it, you know?  The real reality is that the next year will be incredibly difficult.  I know we're going to fall flat on our faces several times.  I feel so incredibly guilty for allowing this situation to go on so long and for all the crap my son has had to deal with, and for how hard it's going to be when we move.  I've just been to embarrassed to admit that even after I realized that this relationship was a huge mistake, I couldn't get out of it. 

I'm incredibly ashamed of myself in regards to what I've allowed myself to live with these past three years. 

I will say this, I'm optimistic about the future.  I know that long term we are going to be so much better...even though the next year or so will be hard.  I'm basically starting from scratch for real this time...clothing, dishes, and Mister Man's toys.  But nothing else.  So, if you've read this, can you just send some good thoughts my way?  I just need to be honest and admit that I could really use positive encouragement.  The stress of this move and these past three years has caught up to me.

I'm sorry it took me so long to open up about all this.

And even now, I'm totally wanting to delete it all before I hit submit.

 

 



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Hermes

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I can't imagine the chances of someone who knows you who shouldn't be reading this, finding this and putting together the pieces, so I wouldn't worry about that.

I think more women will identify with your mistake than not. I've been in bad situations, and you just have to do what you have to do to get out. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed - everyone on ST loves you unconditionally and I know many respect you for the major obstacles you have overcome with grace.

I know it's difficult right now, but look for the silver lining. When I got out of my bad situation, it put me in a position to take advantage of many opportunities I wouldn't have had otherwise. There will be a silver lining to to, even if it's just learning a lesson the hard way.

Be strong, and you will make it work - I know it, and you know it!

(((hugs)))



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Hermes

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Oh KaffeeKlatsch, I'm so sorry. I remember you posting about this a while ago and have wondered many times since what decision you made. I know this next year is going to be tough but I know that you will feel SO much better when you are on your own, independent and free from that controlling ass! The life you and your son make for yourselves is going to be amazing.

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Marc Jacobs

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Thanks D, and Kelly. I'm so overwhelmed at present by stress that it's difficult to hold onto the positives. Your reassurances are exactly what I need to read right now.

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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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K, if I could I'd drive there and pick you and the man up to take you whenever you want.

I cannot imagine life being worse than what you have endured in the last three years, so even though it will be hard, things will be better and better from now on.

Take one step at the time, and everything will turn out great!

Love&hugs

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ayo


Coach

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(((((Big hugs))))

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Marc Jacobs

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Thanks Ico and Ayo.

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Chanel

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Hugs and if anyone can get out with a fresh start  that would be you. You are strong, brave. I know it will be hard but when you away from it all everything will fall in placesmile



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Marc Jacobs

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Small Fry, thank you. And you are totally right! I've gotten us out of worse before!

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Marc Jacobs

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KK, I'm sending good thoughts to you and JBug. You've already taken two big steps toward a better life: (1) you recognized there was a problem, and (2) you are taking real, tangible steps for solving that problem. In my eyes--and I know many others'--those two things definitely keep you out of the "crappy-mother" category! Best wishes for success, peace, and happiness in Bucks County.



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Gucci

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OK, first, get rid of the notion that you are a "bad" mother. You are a wonderful, caring, protective and nurturing mother and J-Bug is better off for have you as his mom.

Second, I'm sure I echo everyone here when I say how proud we are for you making this move. Maybe it's taken you a little longer than you wanted, but you are doing it and that's what is important. You are strong, smart and a good person. Everyone makes a wrong call (especially in relationships) every now and then. It's just part of life. Recognizing a bad situation and taking the necessary measures to get you and your son out of it is what really matters.

You, my friend, rock. Remember that.



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Marc Jacobs

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KK,

I don't have much to add, but I do hope that your embarassment and shame fade. We have all fallen for the wrong one at least once and found ourselves in a bad relationship of some kind or another. Congratulations to you for recongizing it and moving ahead.

When things get tough, remind yourself that they weren't great with your ex either, and that having a tough time without him is better than having a tough time with him.

Best of luck, and keep us posted.



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Chanel

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I think you've shown incredible strength and patience to get through this and move forward. The only thing I can add to the above is to see if a legal aid foundation can force him into a repayment plan for what he owes you - once you're out of his reach.

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Hermes

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Best of luck to you! You have such a positive attitude and you'll make it work. Yeah, you'll probably have some hard times, but they WILL get better. And don't beat yourself up over the decisions you've made over the past 3 years--you did the absolute best you could and the circumstances quite frankly sucked. So you're moving forward now and you're doing what's best for you and your son, even though it isn't the easiest course of action. In my book, that makes you an incredible mom (I've always thought so, actually). Be strong and know that you have a lot of people sending positive thoughts and praryers your way. Keep us posted. I'll be thinking of you and Mister Man.

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Marc Jacobs

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So by way of a mini-update...
Miss Irene stormed on through over the weekend. I had a wedding that evening and made it home fine, right before the real mess hit. Thankfully we retained electricity and none of the trees that fell landed on the house. I thought we had lucked out and spend the next few days helping out all those who hadn't been so lucky. Little did I realize, the place where all our things were in storage hadn't been so lucky. Between a tree caving in the roof and the floor flooding over, the a good bit is ruined. Apparel, books, toys, games and what little furniture we had. Needless to say, I'm a bit in shock. I've learned one thing...all those storage totes won't save your stuff.

It's kind of ironic that all this time I've wanted the 'clean slate-fresh start'...well, looks like I got what I asked for.

Hoping everyone else in the neighboring areas came through the storm unscathed.

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ico


Dooney & Bourke

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I am really sorry to hear this.

The most important thing is that you and the kid are safe, but I know it sucks to lose yout stuff!

 



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Hermes

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KaffeeKlatsch wrote:

So by way of a mini-update...
Miss Irene stormed on through over the weekend. I had a wedding that evening and made it home fine, right before the real mess hit. Thankfully we retained electricity and none of the trees that fell landed on the house. I thought we had lucked out and spend the next few days helping out all those who hadn't been so lucky. Little did I realize, the place where all our things were in storage hadn't been so lucky. Between a tree caving in the roof and the floor flooding over, the a good bit is ruined. Apparel, books, toys, games and what little furniture we had. Needless to say, I'm a bit in shock. I've learned one thing...all those storage totes won't save your stuff.

It's kind of ironic that all this time I've wanted the 'clean slate-fresh start'...well, looks like I got what I asked for.

Hoping everyone else in the neighboring areas came through the storm unscathed.


I'm so sorry this happened.  I lost many of my belongings from flooding once.  Here's the thing though, I soon learned that I didn't miss anything I lost.  It really put in perspective that "things" are not as important as we think they are.

That said, good for you for looking at the silver lining.  You have a clean slate and you don't have the burden and cost of moving and storing everything. 

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger (((hugs)))



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Gucci

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So sorry to hear this! It's like the rug's been pulled out from under you, right?

Remember, this is really a chance to start fresh. Try to see the possibilities.

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Marc Jacobs

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Aw, that sucks! I am very sorry this happened to you. D is right, you will be surprised by what you don't miss, but I'm sure you were counting on some of those items. A clean slate indeed!

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Gucci

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I absolutely agree with D. Our basement flooded this year and we lost a lot of things. A month later... I can't even recall what most of it was. Stuff is just stuff. You and J Bug are what matters!

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