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calichic


Dooney & Bourke

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Is it wrong...
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to let a guy pay for dinner if you have a bf?  (I'm not sure if this has been discussed, if so, I am sorry.  My excuse is I'm a newbie...?)


Maybe I am a bad person, but I haven't told him that I have a bf, just hasn't come up in convo.  I know that it will come out eventually, but until then, would it be wrong if he insists on paying?  I just feel kind of weird coming out and saying "I have a bf, you can't pay for me!"


Am I just being dumb?  I guess I am just kind of scared of scaring another guy away from being my friend bc I have a bf. 


Thanks for listening...



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laken1


Hermes

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I guess to answer I need more details - sorry if it's too much.

How do you know this guy? I guess I can't figure out how you get out to dinner with him & get in that situation....did he ask you out? He can't know you really well if he isn't aware of your boyfriend, so give up a little more info!

I guess when I was single I always assumed a guy was after a romantic relationship first, I never thought "hey, this guy just wants to be my friend".


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calichic


Dooney & Bourke

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Sorry for the vague details. 


I know the guy bc we go to school together.  One day after class we were chatting, both hungry and decided to get dinner.  He insisted on paying.  Was this wrong of me? 


Thanks for your insight Laken.



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Andrea Julia


Coach

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If he knows you have a boyfriend and still paid for dinner, that is fine.  He was most likely just being nice.  Some guys will just always pay if they are out with a friend that is a woman.  If he doesn't know, it is bad.

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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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Andrea Julia wrote:
If he knows you have a boyfriend and still paid for dinner, that is fine.  He was most likely just being nice.  Some guys will just always pay if they are out with a friend that is a woman.  If he doesn't know, it is bad.


I agree, unless you are absolutely sure that he considers you as a friend only.

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beachgirl


Kenneth Cole

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I don't think you should let him pay if he doesn't know you have a boyfriend.  I would have just said something like, "oh, thanks for the offer, but I have a boyfriend, so I would feel awkward having you pay for me."



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cc


Marc Jacobs

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I don't think it's necessarily wrong but it would probably be better you had somehow brought up your boyfriend before he paid - just in case he is interested in being more than friends. Obviously it's not always easy to assess the situation and I agree that it would have been weird to say "I have a boyfriend, please let's just split the bill!" but there's always a good chance that he's interested in which case he might be hurt or annoyed when he finds out that you let him pay but aren't available.

I was actually in the exact same situation once - I didn't have a boyfriend but I was chatting with a guy after class and then we started walking to the train and he asked if I was hungry and I was starving so I agreed to go to lunch with him. I didn't have any friends in my grad program and I honestly thought this guy seemed gay plus he had never spoken to me before so I had no idea he was interested. When the bill came he quickly grabbed it and wouldn't let me pay and I realized he might like me. It turned out that he did and after many emails from him and a few awkward classes I was forced to tell him that I wasn't interested in him romantically. Anyway, I wished that I had seen things coming before I agreed to the lunch and agreed to let him pay!


I guess you should just find a way to bring your bf up the next time you talk to him. Maybe you could even come out and say "You know I never mentioned the fact that I have a boyfriend and I just wanted to make sure that we're on the same page here. I feel bad that I let you pay for lunch - how about I pay for coffee next time?" or something like that.

-- Edited by cc at 17:04, 2005-10-13

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laken1


Hermes

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I agree that I'd bring up the BF before you go again - can you mention him in general conversation. Like "we" XXXX - you know, subtle yet sure.

But he might pay anyway just because his momma raised him right! LOL Just picking - he just may be polite though.

-- Edited by laken1 at 17:10, 2005-10-13

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exsupahero


Kate Spade

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I don't think it's wrong to have a guy pay for your dinner... even if you have a bf because some guys are just nice and polite. What I think you should do next time if it happens is to ask some questions about each other... like, what he does and stuff and I'm sure he'll ask you the same thing, then you can add the whole "well, me and _____ like to go to the movies alot" or something doofy like that. He'll get the message and you don't have to look all odd by saying "I have a bf! You can't pay for me!"

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NCshopper


Hermes

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Hmm...it seems a little like he'd be led on in this situation.  I don't think you did anything wrong per se because I'm not sure that there would have been a polite way to deal with the situation.  You can't really say "I have a boyfriend, so please don't pay" because a) you're implying that he's paying because he's interested in you, which you don't know for sure and b) if he was interested in you, then it would be pretty awkward. 


You could casually mention to him that you have a boyfriend and then next time you guys end up grabbing lunch, you could insist on paying "because he treated last time" or something along those lines so that it becomes clear you're just friends and that way you won't feel like you got a free meal by misleading him.


I don't think I would have done anything different than you did, but I probably wouldn't let him pay again without him knowing the full set of circumstances.  Then if he still wants to treat, then let him. 



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calichic


Dooney & Bourke

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Thanks ladies for your advice.  Ended up emailing him to tell him about the bf.  He was really cool about it.  Caught dinner and coffee after class, he paid for dinner AGAIN but at least I got to pay for coffee. I think that he was just raised well and is always willing to pay. He was even going to pay for coffee, but geez louise, I TOTALLY felt like I was taking advantage of his kindness.  I guess I do have *some* moral scruples.

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nunzi182


Kate Spade

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That's really great that worked out for you and he is still being a gentleman. Guys like that are hard to find these days It sounds like he would make a great boyfriend for one of your single girlfriends????

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calichic


Dooney & Bourke

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nunzi182 wrote:

That's really great that worked out for you and he is still being a gentleman. Guys like that are hard to find these days It sounds like he would make a great boyfriend for one of your single girlfriends????
Totally, too bad I don't know that many girls here...  I would like to pass him on.  Ok, that sounded a little "hot potato"ish. 

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lynnie


Chanel

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good thing it worked out--- i have to say, this could be a tricky one. i have lots of guy friends who pay for girls- its just how they are- sounds like this guy. however, they know me and know I have a bf.

Not that it should matter! In France, I was in a program with lots of girls/boys my age all intermingling, and my female friends from Europe made fun of me because I was like, "Hi, nice to meet you, I have a boyfriend" to most guys I met. To them that wasn't necessary information, and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing to have a guy like you if you were unattainable, and the fact that you have a bf shouldn't really be mentioned unless asked or in a compromising position because its not THAT important in the first convo. I have kept this European advice with me, and I try not to mention my bf for a while, not because I'm trying to hide him, but because they're right in the sense that why should I be so defensive/suspicioius if a guy wants to talk to me, why should i always question a guys motives? If it means guys end up falling in love with me only to be crushed, that is really not my fault

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