STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Collette · Chanel

Learning to date again

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

I don't have much advice, sorry, but wanted to wish you much luck and high spirit! Also, fun!

itsapinkthing · Coach

I think it just takes time. Most important is taking time to find yourself, the real you. Remember the things you enjoy, those things that brought you joy before you were part of any couple. Also now is a great time to branch out and try new things, a cooking class, a fitness class you always wanted to try, a book club, anything to get you in the mode to broaden your horizons. You'll see, after some time more and more new people will come into your life. And you might find a new hobby you really enjoy. It's hard, I know, but you've got to put yourself out there in NEW circles.
I also think sometimes we get so wrapped up in thinking someone is "not our type" ,that we overlook them. My hubby is my perfect example of this. He was too "clean-cut", "boring", there were no "sparks", but you know what one day it all just happened to fall into place. I realized after a few dates with other guys, the one who was "not THE one for me", really just so happened to be.

ayo · Coach

I am so sorry Collette, it's been a bumpy ride.

I could have verbatim written what IPT wrote. When I met my hubby, I had just gotten out of a terrible heartbreaking relationship. After I was able to pull myself out of a rut I started occupying my time with things I really enjoyed doing but couldn't for the longest. I eventually met new friends which is how I came to meet my DH. I didn't think he was my type either but turns out I was wrong :)

Take heart, I know bigger and better things are in store for you :)

Hermes

I also ditto IAPT.

It wasn't until I fully accepted that no one would ever want me did someone come out of the woodwork. AND the person that came out of the woodwork was the type I would never go for: too clean-cut, too nice. I liked guys that challenged me and had a bit of an edge. It finally dawned on me that no man could ever be "too nice" to me, and I don't want a challenge - being with me should be their first choice and not a challenge to get them to commit to/chose me. I was picking the wrong types all along. Regardless, I think there is something about a woman indifferent to men that makes them attractive to men. However, you can't fake it. You really have to get in a place where you truly think having a man in your life is not important. That involves a journey of finding a love of being alone with yourself.

Additionally, I literally only had one friend in my area at the time I met my now husband. I went to a party my friend was having, and thats where I met the guy that "wasn't my type" that eventually became my husband of 15 years.

Just be yourself, do the things you love (outside the home), and you will meet people. These people will open up new circles for you, and maybe you'll get lucky one day, succumb to celibacy, get invited to a party and meet a guy that's "not your type" ;)

This is an old book, but one that helped me better recognize my habit of choosing the wrong guy: http://www.amazon.com/Hero-More-Than-Just-Sandwich/dp/0671644807/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1310484221&sr=8-6

"In her practice as a psychotherapist, Friedman has discovered that too many women "still hold onto fairy tales" as they await fulfillment through magical solutions. Despite the cliches, the message to "stop looking for transformation in others and transform yourself" is delivered with authority and humor. This book, Friedman's third about contemporary women and their search for healthy relationships, will have as wide an audience as her pre- vious two, Men Are Just Desserts and Smart Cookies Don't Crumble.

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

Everyone had great advice already, but I just wanted to say that I am right there with you, babe.

My now-ex-husband left me in September for a woman he works with, after 9 years together. I met him when I was 21 so have no adult experience with dating or relationships outside of him. I am on Match and OKCupid (the guys are a little edgier/artsy/techy on there I've found) with the primary purpose - and this is probably going to sound terrible - of practicing dating. I'm not looking for a boyfriend; I'm going out with guys who are not at all my type, I'm going out with dealbreakers (are too old, are too young, shorter than me, have kids, are moving out of state next month, etc.)...BUT I'm getting out there, I'm learning how to date, I'm learning what I truly am and am not looking for (more character traits than a "type"), AND I'm having a lot of fun!

I don't know if you're definitely over Match, but I've had better experiences with guys I track down and contact because guys don't get a ton of messages like girls do and they seem to like it when you take the first step. Plus, you get to be in control. :) Also I think the key for me is having no expectations. At this point for me, casual dating is all part of my process to find out who I am and what I want. (Ironically, I've seen one guy a couple times and we have really hit it off and are now entering that dangerously serious crush territory, but like the others said, that's when it happens!)

Since you mention having few friends (also in the same boat here), I want to plug Meetup. It's awesome if you're in a city (which I think you are - Chicago, right?) because there is literally something going on every day or night in any catergory you're interested in (singles groups, running groups, knitting groups, book clubs, you get the idea.) I haven't gotten super-involved with any groups yet, but have been to a few events and met some cool people, girls and guys. It's a great way to just broaden your network.

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Everyone has given such great advice so far. I don't have anything more to offer, Collette, but I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. I hope you can find some contentment in whatever form that takes.

As for places to meet new and more people, I would write down all your interests and hobbies. Think about where people get together around those hobbies and interests, and then look up listings for your city (like in Chicago's alt paper (Charlotte's is Creative Loafing, Cleveland's is Scene Magazine, etc.)) for clubs, meetings, venues, etc. Best wishes!

-- Edited by pollyjean23 on Tuesday 12th of July 2011 05:02:18 PM

Metric · Gucci

I don't know if you recall but a few years ago my BF of 7 1/2 years at the time packed up and fucked off out of the blue one day, thrusting me unwillingly back into the dating world.

So I dated. I met guys both online and through random friends/set ups in person. I met some users, some psychopaths and some jerks. I met guys that made me want to quit dating and hide under a rock. I went out with a guy who admitted me he had Hep C and then screamed at me that I was a c*nt when I said I wouldn't have a physical relationship with him. I met a guy who called me "his girlfriend" before we had met in person. But I also met some nice dudes.

It sounds lame but you just need to keep meeting people. Both guys and girls, expand your circle of friends in both sexes. Even if you don't meet the one* you're still keeping busy enough to take your mind off of users, cheaters and creeps.

*A side note on what I think of The One. I don't mean to sound ultra cynical but I don't think there is The One, soul mates and all that. To me that is fabricated movie nonsense. Is my BF now The One I was destined to be with, soul mates forever? No, we are very different people and I had a "picture" in my mind of my perfect guy and he was not that. Is he a good person with character and good moral fibre? Yes, absolutely and we just passed our 4 year mark. So you never know what life brings for you.

itsapinkthing · Coach

Just as an FYI when I say "the one" I mean the one I choose to marry and share my life with. He is by no means perfect, but what we are creating together is perfectly imperfect for me.

valenciana · Dooney & Bourke

I've also heard good things about Eight at Eight, which is like a dinner club where you go out to dinner with 4 guys and 4 girls (well, 3 girls besides you). Seems like a lower pressure way to meet several guys at once and maybe a few cool gals too. It's not cheap, but I think it's cheaper than some other "matchmaking" services.

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Metric wrote:
I don't know if you recall but a few years ago my BF of 7 1/2 years at the time packed up and fucked off out of the blue one day, thrusting me unwillingly back into the dating world.

So I dated. I met guys both online and through random friends/set ups in person. I met some users, some psychopaths and some jerks. I met guys that made me want to quit dating and hide under a rock. I went out with a guy who admitted me he had Hep C and then screamed at me that I was a c*nt when I said I wouldn't have a physical relationship with him. I met a guy who called me "his girlfriend" before we had met in person. But I also met some nice dudes.

It sounds lame but you just need to keep meeting people. Both guys and girls, expand your circle of friends in both sexes. Even if you don't meet the one* you're still keeping busy enough to take your mind off of users, cheaters and creeps.

*A side note on what I think of The One. I don't mean to sound ultra cynical but I don't think there is The One, soul mates and all that. To me that is fabricated movie nonsense. Is my BF now The One I was destined to be with, soul mates forever? No, we are very different people and I had a "picture" in my mind of my perfect guy and he was not that. Is he a good person with character and good moral fibre? Yes, absolutely and we just passed our 4 year mark. So you never know what life brings for you.

Like! :)

Hermes

pollyjean23 wrote:
Metric wrote:
I don't know if you recall but a few years ago my BF of 7 1/2 years at the time packed up and fucked off out of the blue one day, thrusting me unwillingly back into the dating world.

So I dated. I met guys both online and through random friends/set ups in person. I met some users, some psychopaths and some jerks. I met guys that made me want to quit dating and hide under a rock. I went out with a guy who admitted me he had Hep C and then screamed at me that I was a c*nt when I said I wouldn't have a physical relationship with him. I met a guy who called me "his girlfriend" before we had met in person. But I also met some nice dudes.

It sounds lame but you just need to keep meeting people. Both guys and girls, expand your circle of friends in both sexes. Even if you don't meet the one* you're still keeping busy enough to take your mind off of users, cheaters and creeps.

*A side note on what I think of The One. I don't mean to sound ultra cynical but I don't think there is The One, soul mates and all that. To me that is fabricated movie nonsense. Is my BF now The One I was destined to be with, soul mates forever? No, we are very different people and I had a "picture" in my mind of my perfect guy and he was not that. Is he a good person with character and good moral fibre? Yes, absolutely and we just passed our 4 year mark. So you never know what life brings for you.
Like! :)

ditto! (wish we had like buttons!)

Boots · Gucci

itsapinkthing wrote:
Just as an FYI when I say "the one" I mean the one I choose to marry and share my life with. He is by no means perfect, but what we are creating together is perfectly imperfect for me.

If I had to describe what I wanted out of a long term releationship, this would be it exactly.

Ditto on the "like" buttons!

kenzie · Chanel

itsapinkthing wrote:
I think it just takes time. Most important is taking time to find yourself, the real you. Remember the things you enjoy, those things that brought you joy before you were part of any couple. Also now is a great time to branch out and try new things, a cooking class, a fitness class you always wanted to try, a book club, anything to get you in the mode to broaden your horizons. You'll see, after some time more and more new people will come into your life. And you might find a new hobby you really enjoy. It's hard, I know, but you've got to put yourself out there in NEW circles.
I also think sometimes we get so wrapped up in thinking someone is "not our type" ,that we overlook them. My hubby is my perfect example of this. He was too "clean-cut", "boring", there were no "sparks", but you know what one day it all just happened to fall into place. I realized after a few dates with other guys, the one who was "not THE one for me", really just so happened to be.

This times a thousand. It's so true.

I'm sorry for all the crap you've been through. It's all pretty horrible and draining. I definitely think that you should start trying to find new circles. Have you ever tried Meetup.com? It's not a dating site, but it's a good place to meet new friends and people with like interests (it's actually how I met my best friend), which is something that I've found is increasingly harder to do the older I get. But with more friends, you'll also find more opportunities for people to date- you never know who your new friends might know, you know?

Anyway, best of luck and hugs to you. I know you must be feeling crappy right now.

Suasoria · Chanel

valenciana wrote:
I'm not looking for a boyfriend; I'm going out with guys who are not at all my type, I'm going out with dealbreakers (are too old, are too young, shorter than me, have kids, are moving out of state next month, etc.)...BUT I'm getting out there, I'm learning how to date, I'm learning what I truly am and am not looking for (more character traits than a "type"), AND I'm having a lot of fun!

I like this advice a lot. I was similar when I was dating, and operated under the theory of "anyone can take me to lunch." Even if you think you'll be bored to death, lunch only lasts an hour. So I went out to lunch with lots of men that I wouldn't think of dating - boss' attorney, friend's coworker, coworker's friend, cousin's college roommate, guy in jazz band, guy at bank, guy on plane, etc. To be fair, at our age we have to take more initiative then when we were 22 and men of all ages lined up to get our phone numbers. So to guy at bank you might have to say "this sounds crazy but if you're single I'd love to buy you a cup of coffee."

It's harder to meet people as an adult, but the suggestions of classes or meetups are good whether you're trying to meet men or women. Volunteering too - for a local election or an animal shelter or a community theater or whatever attracts you. Male or female, meeting people is good. You never know when you'll need a ride to the mechanic or a sink unstopped or a job recommendation. (Plus female friends introduce you to their male cousins and cute younger brothers and cool neighbors who aren't their type.)