STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

cc · Marc Jacobs

poll

blubirde · Chanel

RE: hypothetical situation poll (long)

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I voted no too - you deserve someone who is available to be with you. This guy likes you, but he has made it clear he's not that someone.

member · Hermes

I voted no as well. The minute I read that he said he had a girlfriend, I decided he's not interested. I've gotten that line before in the past and it has always meant they weren't interested. I think he's just being nice by meeting you for lunch and letting you stay at his place - though if I were his GF, I don't think I'd be very happy w/him letting you stay at his place!

calichic · Dooney & Bourke

I voted no as well, but at the same time, if he is foreign, is it possible that he could be just acting in accordance with his culture? I agree with the other ladies that with a gf, you are in the friends zone. And do you really want to stay with him bc that may get kinda ackward. JMO, I hope that it all turns out well.

cc · Marc Jacobs

-- Edited by cc at 14:31, 2006-02-02

member · Hermes

cc wrote:

I'm actually not the girl, I'm the girlfriend. I'm not sure how my bf explained my existence in the email back in July but apparently this girl didn't get the idea that he's unavailable and not interested because since she stayed at his place she's been sending him emails trying to figure out what's going on and said she thought he was ambiguous because while he said that he has a gf he doesn't talk about me. I'm assuming that he mentioned that I live "back home" (he's currently living in France, I'm in NY) so perhaps she thought we had an open relationship or something. He said he thinks it's obnoxious when people randomly mention their SOs, especially when the only reason is to give the signal that they aren't interested, and I agree with that but I feel like in this case he could have tried to work my name into some of their conversations just to make things really clear, especially since he said he was having a hard time coming up with nice and subtle ways to say "sorry but I'm unavailable" in French. I'm not jealous, I'm not concerned about him cheating, I'm just a little annoyed and mainly feel bad for the girl. He thinks that since he said he has a girlfriend that should be the end of it and she should get over it but I can see why she might think she has a chance and why she might not just be able to snap her fingers and say "ok I just like him as a friend now." Plus a small part of me is a bit sad that he doesn't talk about me. Or maybe I feel like a loser because I talk about him all the time.

Oh wow. I didn't see it coming that you were the GF. First of all, I think he's being naive to think that just because he said he has a gf, she would back off because of it. I've seen and known too many girls who could care less if a guy has a gf or not. That being said, I don't want you to worry - obviously you have trust in your boyfriend. But why did he let her stay at his place? That would bother me. I can also see you being sad that he doesn't talk about you...I agree, he could have worked you into a conversation w/out being obnoxious.

Maddie · Coach

I think he handled the situation appropriately. It sounds like she was being super aggressive and although he agreed to hang out with her a few times, it's not like he was the one pushing the issue. I think it could be construed as him being ambiguous, but mostly he just sounds like a nice guy.

laken1 · Hermes

I voted "no" but ugh - ummm, when I was thinking you were the girl, I was thinking you were pretty bold to ask to stay at his place. To me, no matter how much I trust my SO, I don't want someone of the opposite sex spending the night at their house if I'm not around. Maybe it's just me, but I don't think that's ok.

I really hate hate hate to say this, but again, when I thought you were the girl, I was thinking that since he was hanging out & kept up some relationship with that person, that maybe the gf situation wasn't all that serious? Again I answered NO, but that is if it was me. I know a lot of girls would take the attention as a sign that she had a shot....sorry

poptart · Coach

Oops.

I didn't see it coming that you were the gf either.

I voted no, but didn't comment at first, b/c I thought "Either he isn't interested and is just a super nice guy, or he isn't interested in having a relationship but might be open to having a fling." I didn't want to offend, so I didn't say anything. Knowing that it is your bf, and that you trust him, it sounds like the first is the case. Is this girl American? Maybe you can help him by explaining that we Yank girls tend to be more assertive, and he might have to be correspondingly more direct in order to get rid of her?

Elle · Hermes

I must say CC, I'm a little relieved you aren't this girl! It sounded mighty uncharacteristic of you!

I also voted no - I think it may very well be cultural differences playing a roll in how your BF is dealing with this extremely aggressive chippy. Aren't affairs accepted as a matter of course in France, though maybe not openly condoned? Or am I totally off my rocker?

That doesn't mean that an affair is what is happening, but I think the boundaries are different. Have you told him that it bothers you?

Also, I'm not totally clear if your BF is French or American?

blubirde · Chanel

cc wrote:

I'm not jealous, I'm not concerned about him cheating, I'm just a little annoyed and mainly feel bad for the girl. He thinks that since he said he has a girlfriend that should be the end of it and she should get over it but I can see why she might think she has a chance and why she might not just be able to snap her fingers and say "ok I just like him as a friend now." Plus a small part of me is a bit sad that he doesn't talk about me. Or maybe I feel like a loser because I talk about him all the time.

Wow - I, too, didn't see you as the girlfriend. It's funny because I was going to say in my response that although I thought the "girlfriend" comment meant he was off-limits, I knew many girls who didn't think like that. But for some reason I decided it wasn't worth saying. I guess it is.

Honestly? I think it's suspicious when a SO doesn't mention their SO in everyday conversation, just because they're such a part of their life. I once took my roommate/BFF on a blind date with me (don't ask - it was just a meeting for a drink so... whatever). Anyway, she was seriously dating a guy (they're getting married Saturday!) and she didn't mention him AT ALL. As a matter of fact, I got the distinct impression that she and the guy were interested in each other and I know he had no clue she had a boyfriend, much less a serious boyfriend. We all went out a 2nd time for drinks (by this time it was obvious it was going to be a friend thing) and it became OBVIOUS to me that he liked her, although I don't think she liked him, at least not in that way.

Anyway, the end result is that I let it slip in conversation about her SO and he was shocked and probably disappointed. And although my BFF may have been initially intrigued by him or whatever, she, in no way, was interested in him romantically when all was said and done. She did like him as a friend and found things in him that she hadn't found in anyone else (they share a few common interests). And we're all still friends. They both talk pretty regularly, as do he and I, and we all hang out together occasionally. She still doesn't talk about her SO very much around him and I think it's just because she knows it will make him uncomfortable.

That was a really long way of saying that maybe it's not that odd, after all. I'm sorry you feel sad he doesn't mention you as much as you think he mentions you but maybe that's just with her. With my BFF, she talks about her SO all the time, just not around that guy because it would make him feel weird.

I think you should tell him how you feel and how you understand how the girl could get mixed signals. I don't know - at least let him know it's not really okay with you if a girl stays over at his place that's not you. That would be weird for me to handle (esp. if she was interested).

Keep us updated!

Maddie · Coach

LMonet wrote:

I must say CC, I'm a little relieved you aren't this girl! It sounded mighty uncharacteristic of you!

Haha, I thought this too at first! First I was confused cause I thought you already had a boyfriend, and then I was thinking, "This sounds a little more forward than how I picture cc acting!"

Maddie · Coach

cc wrote:

Plus a small part of me is a bit sad that he doesn't talk about me. Or maybe I feel like a loser because I talk about him all the time.

I just wanted to comment on this. With my friends I will talk about my boyfriend to the point of being obnoxious cause I'm unhealthily obsessed with him. Around people who aren't my friends I never bring him up because I think it's personal information and it seems very revealing to talk about it. Also this is probably something that's more an issue when you're my age, but I don't want people to think I'm trying to flaunt the fact that I have a boyfriend. Cause I know lots of girls who do that. Basically, I wouldn't read into that too much.

-- Edited by Maddie at 15:12, 2005-10-12

Elle · Hermes

Maddie wrote:

LMonet wrote: I must say CC, I'm a little relieved you aren't this girl! It sounded mighty uncharacteristic of you! Haha, I thought this too at first! First I was confused cause I thought you already had a boyfriend, and then I was thinking, "This sounds a little more forward than how I picture cc acting!"

Bwahahahahaha!

"Sheesh, CC. Let the guy breathe a little! Can't you take a hint?!? He has a girlfriend for crying out loud!"

Totally, totally kidding

Back to your regularly schedule programming

cc · Marc Jacobs

-- Edited by cc at 14:31, 2006-02-02

blubirde · Chanel

cc wrote:

I think it's kind of awesome that you guys know me well enough to realize that something is totally out of character for me.

You know what's funny? When I was reading your hypothetical not only did I not think the aggressive girl was you but I couldn't imagine it being anyone you liked. I thought, "who would actually admit they did all this stuff? It sounds so pathetic!"

Hey - guess what? It was!!

blink · Coach

ok, I voted no, however, just once mentioning that he has a girlfriend is not enough for every type of woman out there. some girls are aggressive and if they sense that such girlfriend maybe allows a long leash on her man, then they will read into his actions. Showing up for lunches, drinks, whatever...even with a friend, is a sign that he wants to hang with her or has some interest in her more than platonically. I think it is inappropriate for a guy with an exclusive girlfriend to be making new girl friends, therefore, if I were an aggressive woman, and I am most certainly not, I would think I had a chance with him, even if just to hook up.

-- Edited by lorelei at 17:31, 2005-10-12

bumblebee · Coach

cc, you are a nicer woman than i. i agree that it might be because of the language barrier and the fact that this girl is french/culture differences, but she needs to back off. your b-f seems like he is not at all encouraging her, and it sounds like he was just being nice by letting her stay. after he explained that he had a g-f (and such a cute one, too!) she should have taken the hint and not tried to hook it up anymore. what's the latest on this? has she made any more contacts, or is she respecting what he said?

as long as she is getting the message, it sounds like no harm is done.

Andrea Julia · Coach

I can't tell you if he is interested or not. I've definitely made the incorrect call both ways on many occasions. What I can say is if I were in the situation, the amount of interest he is showing would not be enough for me to stay interested in him.