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Post Info TOPIC: am i rude? wedding invite etiquette


Marc Jacobs

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am i rude? wedding invite etiquette
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So my brother's wife's brother, (we'll call him L) is getting married to V. They've been dating for something like 7 years and while we sometimes chat at family occasions, we're not exactly friends.  My brother, his wife, and baby are in the bridal party of his upcoming wedding.  

I hate weddings.  I find them especially annoying and fake.  I can be happy for someone without crying over stories about the first night they met their husband.  Gag.  My mom and I both received separate invites.  My mom RSVPed No and I RSVPed Yes - but where the invitation asked "No. of guests" I put one, intending to bring a male friend to keep me company, to dance with, to break the awkwardness that usually accompanies going to a wedding alone.  Since my bro is part of the wedding party, I am sure he will be busy most of the night and will be at a different table.  I will be stuck with the one table of widowed great-aunts and 13-year-old cousins otherwise.  

I then received a facebook message from the bride saying that she basically cannot accomodate my guest bc they're at "max capacity."  I then wrote back saying that I must have misunderstood the invite and that I'd really rather not go alone, that I wish them luck and will be sure to send a gift (bc really, that's all most people care about) and to let me know if there are any cancellations and change my RSVP to no.  She then wrote back that they were paying for it themselves and to let me know if I change my mind...

My thoughts:

  • Why would you ask people # of guests if you have no way to accomodate them?
  • I think she was more concerned with the cost/amount of gift ratio than anything, otherwise, why would she mention that she's paying for it?
  • If capacity were a concern, since my mom left a spot free, wouldn't there be an empty space?
  • When I told my friends this story they were shocked at my audacity.  Did I just ruin a family relationship?  

 

 

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by XtinaStyles on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 09:48:36 PM



-- Edited by XtinaStyles on Wednesday 6th of July 2011 11:29:47 PM

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Hermes

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I would have cancelled too. Etiquette is basically the endeavor to eliminate awkwardness and social discomfort. What the bride did was a major breach of etiquette IMO.

You practiced proper etiquette by relieving them of the burden of the cost of your attendance.  In addition to the purchase of a gift, this sacrifice was very generous of you.

Pick out the cheapest gift on the registry and call it a day. I don't think you did anything out of line.  I would have personally been offended if the bride contacted me and revoked the invitation to bring a guest.



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Marc Jacobs

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Shocked by your audacity? I am shocked by the audacity of the bride and groom. I think you handled it very well, and I second D's suggestion to buy the cheapest item on the registry. I would argue that by behaving in an understanding way, you preserved the family relationship by not reacting with a warrented 'what the hell?' type dialogue.

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Gucci

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I have a slightly different perceptive on the situation. I think that you both handled an awkward situation well. Most wedding nowadays are limited to exactly who is listed on the invite (if there is a plus one allowed, it will state it.) But I think the bride and groom should have proofed their invites better and made sure that the "# of guests attending" line was removed from the response card. It confused the situation for bith of you.   I'm assuming that the invite came addressed to you alone, not you + guest? If there wasn't the "# of guests attending" on the card, you probably would have assumed they expected you to come alone and you could have RSVPed a polite NO and be done with it. As it was, the bride and groom (because lets not forget, it's his wedding too and the blame should also be his!) had to make the follow up call, and I'm betting that they dreaded it too.

Weddings are ridiculously expensive. A lot of couples are paying for themselves these days and decide to limit the guest list accordingly (personally, I'd rather limit the budget someplace else, like flowers or the limo, but that's just me.) When they make a guest list, most come up with a number they can handle, like 150. Now of those 150, maybe 20-30 of them will decline. So they invite maybe 170 to make up the difference. Chances are the couple either did the math wrong or had more people say yes than they had thought would (my little brother and his now wife had this happen. They had to scramble to come up with the extra $$$ to accommodate them. And then 10 people were a no show anyway.) But that's probably why the open spot from your mom's invite wasn't really an open spot.

I think the offer to buy them a gift is generous and kind. And the fact that you are a generous and kind person is probably why the couple wanted you there in the first place. I wouldn't take what happened personally. I've attended many weddings solo and usually have a great time. That's what weddings are, a celebration of friends and family. The couple obviously considers you to be family.

On a side note, this is a family where you aren't actually related to anyone by blood. Being a single girl at a wedding where all the guys in attendance aren't your cousins has some benefits. It might be a great chance to meet someone, or at least get your flirt on.  I'm just saying...



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Hermes

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A while ago, I received a wedding invitation addressed only to me, but there was a "number of guests" line on there. I believe I posted on here about it (because the RSVP card confused me), and the general consensus was that I was not allowed to bring a date, and the line was on there because they send the same RSVP cards to everybody, and if the invitation *had* gone to multiple people (like, if I had a husband and kids and we were all invited), the line was there to confirm how many of the invited people would be attending, since we all had the same RSVP card. Does that make sense?

So *anyway* if the invitation was addressed only to you (and not you plus a guest), I think that you were invited alone. You misunderstood the invitation and she sent a message to clarify. I don't know what sort of "etiquette rules" dictate how she should have acted in this situation, but I definitely don't think it was "audacious" for you to decline the invite as you did after you understood what the invitation really was - sounds like you were pretty polite about it, I don't know what she could get upset about!

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Marc Jacobs

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Boots wrote:

I'm assuming that the invite came addressed to you alone, not you + guest? If there wasn't the "# of guests attending" on the card, you probably would have assumed they expected you to come alone and you could have RSVPed a polite NO and be done with it. 

That's what weddings are, a celebration of friends and family. The couple obviously considers you to be family.

On a side note, this is a family where you aren't actually related to anyone by blood. Being a single girl at a wedding where all the guys in attendance aren't your cousins has some benefits. It might be a great chance to meet someone, or at least get your flirt on.  I'm just saying...


Yes, you're right, it was addressed to me alone but did have the # of guests line open.  I was confused because usually you are either invited with a guest or without, period.

What's funny is that they do not really consider me family.  They probably invited me as respect to my brother.  Last time we were at a family event, the hubs-to-be completely ignored my existance.

Maybe I'm becomming antisocial in my old age, but it has been my experience that when you go to weddings alone, most people are either w a mate or w a date.  The only people who are visibly single are the old ladies and teenagers.  Even if you do see some guys in the crowd, they do not approach and are often, not even friendly.  



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Gucci

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XtinaStyles wrote:
Boots wrote:

I'm assuming that the invite came addressed to you alone, not you + guest? If there wasn't the "# of guests attending" on the card, you probably would have assumed they expected you to come alone and you could have RSVPed a polite NO and be done with it. 

That's what weddings are, a celebration of friends and family. The couple obviously considers you to be family.

On a side note, this is a family where you aren't actually related to anyone by blood. Being a single girl at a wedding where all the guys in attendance aren't your cousins has some benefits. It might be a great chance to meet someone, or at least get your flirt on.  I'm just saying...


Yes, you're right, it was addressed to me alone but did have the # of guests line open.  I was confused because usually you are either invited with a guest or without, period.

What's funny is that they do not really consider me family.  They probably invited me as respect to my brother.  Last time we were at a family event, the hubs-to-be completely ignored my existance.

Maybe I'm becomming antisocial in my old age, but it has been my experience that when you go to weddings alone, most people are either w a mate or w a date.  The only people who are visibly single are the old ladies and teenagers.  Even if you do see some guys in the crowd, they do not approach and are often, not even friendly.  


Really?  That's awful.  And they sounds like prety un- fun parties (maybe I'm lucky and have just been invited to really fun weddings?)  I've asked brides before to sit me at the "fun" table so I won't feel awkward being on my own.  Usually I get seated with other singles or younger couples.  I went to a distant cousin's wedding once (my mom wanted to go but they sat us a different tables for some reason.)  I thought that it was going to be awful, but my table was with the grooms cousins who were a blast.  I ended up liking his side of the family more than my own by the end of the night.  Every bride/groom likes to think that they have "fun" friends.  And once the dancing starts, most people dance in groups and it's manily girls so I just join right in to a friendly looking group.  When the slow dances come on, well that's a good time for a bar break.

Since it sounds like you aren't very close to these people (or honestly it doesn't even sound las if you like them too much) I wouldn't worry over it.  You very politely declined before they put any money down on your meal so the couple shouldn't be put out. 

I say that you grab a girlfriend and go out that evening for a girl's night.  And remind youself that you could be at some stuff boring wedding instead of having a blast with your friend. 



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Chanel

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Wait, what? They allowed a space for you to bring a guest on the invite and now they're saying, sorry, you can't bring your guest? No, no, no! If you weren't supposed to bring a guest, they shouldn't have included that on the invite. The way they sent your invitation was confusing. It was addressed to only you, but they left a space for the guest. Honestly, if it were me, I would have assumed a guest wasn't invited since it was only addressed to me, but really, it's sheer laziness on their part to include the same invitation for people they are only inviting without guests as they are with people who they are allowing to include guests. Once you had sent it back, they should have just sucked it up and allowed you to bring your guest.

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Chanel

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I was going to post what Boots and Kelly said - it's not the reply card that counts, it's how the envelope is addressed - "Ms. Xtina Styles" vs. "Ms. Xtina Styles and Guest." Everyone gets the same reply card to fill out.

I didn't allow my wedding guests to bring random dates. If a couple was living together or in a long-term relationship, sure (in which case I addressed the invitation to both). But I didn't want total strangers at my wedding, costing me $300 a pop. One of my friends said she didn't know half the people at her own wedding. (An exaggeration, but, point taken.)

So the bride had to do an awkward thing, explain that you were invited, but not you plus one. I think she handled it fine. And you did too. End of story. No harm no foul.

And since you're clearly not excited about weddings, I'd say you dodged a bullet not having to go.

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