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cat · Marc Jacobs

Help!I think I've met some one but*update*

Elle · Hermes

RE: Help!I think I've met some one but...

Hermes

I don't think it sounds fishy. I do think I would wonder why though... I have a feeling there is a good reason he is still a virgin - either he's dorky IRL, or has personality problems, etc. He could just be extremely shy and hasn't had the opportunity... BUT I still believe there is a reason besides choice.

jacL · Coach

IO think the reason he told you so soon is because he knows how this may freak some people out and wanted you to know now rather than later. Did he specifically say he was waiting til marriage? That may be a problem, since you are obviously not. Other than that, I totally understand why this would be weird--there are a lot of expectations you probably feel you have to live up to--but I wouldn't make it a dealbreaker.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

I don't think that is odd. My brother is almost 21 and is a virgin, by choice, because of his beliefs and standards. He is completely normal, good looking, well adjusted, etc.

Also, I was my husband's first and he was 21 when I met him. He's also completely normal. I think it's good that there are guys out there that are waiting for the right girl and standing by their beliefs instead of bed hopping. And I'd view that as a good thing in a guy I was starting to date, he looks at things long term instead of in the moment.

Maddie · Coach

I guess what it comes down to is that it's a personal thing and depends on whether it bothers you.

I don't think I could do it. For one thing, I wouldn't want to devirginze anyone. That was awkward enough once, I don't want to have to experience it again through someone else. Also, if he's saving it, I just don't think I could date someone who wouldn't put out. I do think there's defintely a possibility he's weird, but I also don't think 20 is crazy old to be a virgin (like it's no 30, that'd be more of a red flag). I know a fair number of 20 year old virgins (although they're all girls). I guess if he was really cool I might be able to be ok with it. Maybe. I think I just kind of like the guy to be in control, and I wouldn't want to have to teach him. Kind of a turn off.

Elle · Hermes

I have absolutely no problem with a 20 year old male virgin. BUT, I just wonder what his motivations were behind telling her about it at a point in their 'relationship' where it is irrelevant to their current situation. UNLESS, it appeared that things were progressing and it was more of a "Before we get more involved, there's something you should know and if you're not okay with it we won't contiue this." sort of convo.

Can you clarify the context a bit more, Cat?

cat · Marc Jacobs

I ask him how his day was and he said ok,but he was upset becausehe just found out his ex girlfreind was pregnent. So I'm thinking he gonna tell me he's the dad,because after thet he said that she didn't know how to tell her parents.He just kept making vague(Sp?) statments like that.So I asked I the baby yours? thats when he told me no,you have to have sex to do that.so said back oh.And he said do you have a problem with the fact I'm a virgin.I said no thats fine( ltotal lie).so trhat how he told me.allthough he did'nt say he was waiting for marrige.His reason for waiting is because of his religion.He is a Christian .I'm not which could also be a problem,allthough he know i'm not and said it was not a problem.Also he dosn't know I'm not a virgin he didn't ask I was not going to tell him.

blubirde · Chanel

If it were me and that conversation came up as you described it, that would be it for me. I don't have many rules (and I'm not sure this is one) but two things I can't handle in a dating situation are very religious people and sexually insecure/unsure people. I can't date a man who goes to church on Sundays and doesn't know how to work with a condom.

That's just me, and you'll have to make up your own mind if those things are okay with you. But I don't think it's weird that you don't like him as much now that you know those things about him. That's how the game is played, right? You spend time getting to know one another and figuring out if each is worth the other's time and effort. He either is or he isn't. You don't have to feel bad because something like being a virgin made you less interested in him. Hell, I can't think of any of my girlfriends that would think I was being too harsh for not wanting to date a virgin. They'd probably think I was weird if I went out with him even after I learned all that.

Good luck and keep us posted.

atlgirl · Gucci

I asked I the baby yours? thats when he told me no,you have to have sex to do that

What is he, trying to be funny? It's a rather serious subject, him being upset that his ex is pregnant - that alone would raise red flags for me, but then he doesn't respond to you, ''Oh no, we never slept together. I'm a virgin" but instead says, "you have to have sex to do that"? And why is he telling you he's upset about his ex if he's trying to date you? IMO the virginity issue is the least of the problems you would / will have with him.

I'd run the other way. This may be TMI, but I deflowered two virgins in my life. Both religious, but one, at eighteen, was mature enough to handle it, and we had a wonderful three-year relationship.

The other was an egotistical ass in his mid-twenties, who decided it was *my* fault he lost his virginity, and that the fact that I'd been with other men before him, and my "liberal" upbringing, and a whole host of other things - which he knew before we ever had sex - made me a whore. Sorry for the language, but that was his choice of wording. Funny thing though, was that he always wanted more, but then afterward it was my fault all over again. Bah. It was a terrible time in my life and I made two resolutions after that:

1. no more virgins

2. no more christians

I hope that doesn't offend anyone, but I have been turned off to religion as a whole after that mess (not just because of that relationship, but it coalesced a whole lot of things for me).

Cat, please think long and hard before pursuing a relationship with this man. He doesn't sound like he's in a good place emotionally, and my guess is that he'll have a lot of other conservative views - nothing wrong with that in itself, but they may end up being "rules" that you should obey too...and you may not be comfortable with that.

-- Edited by atlgirl at 17:29, 2005-10-11

Maddie · Coach

I agree that the way that came out is pretty sketch. He went about it in a very creepy manner. Also, I think for me the Christianity thing would be a dealbreaker. Not because I don't like Christians, but I think we would have VERY different values.

honey · Gucci

if anything the christianity is more of a red flag than just virginity. as fashionprincess pointed out there are several valid reasons why people remain virgins and none of them imo are any indication of the person's personality/attractiveness. that being said, if he has strong religious values then they might not mesh well with your personal values. i know that for many christians (members of other religions too, but i can only speak on christianity) you're not supposed to date non-christians. there's a scriptural basis for this -- something along the lines of not being "unequally yoked." so while in the short term both you and he may be fine with your differences in the long run it may pose a problem. and since i'm all about conflict avoidance i personally would run the other way.

cc · Marc Jacobs

nm

-- Edited by cc at 14:30, 2006-02-02

cat · Marc Jacobs

First just let me say that I in no way have a problem with anyone being from a different religion then mine. I believe in God and I have no problems with Christians in general.I was raised Christian.Also I was more worried about how he feels about me being a different faith, sure he is ok with it now but if we were to date, I'm afraid it would come up as an issue.It might work though my roommate is a christian and very religious and we are best friends.

I'm still not sure if I'm going to pursue things with him or not.Allthough I'm leaning toward breaking things off.

Thanks guys for the advice.

-- Edited by cat at 00:29, 2005-10-13

cat · Marc Jacobs

RE: Help!I think I've met some one but...*update*

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

RE: Help!I think I've met some one but*update*

Andrea Julia · Coach

There's not anything wrong with you. It just seems like you and he are incompatible. In real life, you probably could have been friends or tried to see if it would work, but in internet-dating world, people tend to just stop talking as soon as they find out it's not going to work in the long run. Also, he may feel rejected by your e-mail. Don't worry-you will find someone else! This just wasn't the right thing for you.

cat · Marc Jacobs

Your right he just wasn't the right person for me. I guess I was just feeling down because dating can be so frustrating, and I really liked him at first and hoped things would work out for a change, Thanks guys I feel better.