STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

bex · Chanel

what to do?

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

Are you still in love with him?

Deciding to marry someone is probably the biggest decision of your life but it should also be the easiest...right?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

i definitely understand that feeling of "i've already put so much time into this." three years is a long time, but you are young -- you have plenty of time and opportunity to meet someone else. don't let fear hold you in a relationship. i don't mean to say that you are afraid -- you know much better than me, obviously -- but it should be love that binds you to your boyfriend, not fear of what else is out there. you mention you aren't sexually attracted to him. has that always been the case, or is it more of a recent development? does your boyfriend know how you're feeling? maybe he's just so comfortable he hasn't realized he's made you feel so antsy. i don't think it would be bad to go look at apartments. he knows this is what you want to do and he's had more than enough time to do something about it on his own. seeing you in action could really spur him to do something.

bex · Chanel

esquiress wrote:

Are you still in love with him? Deciding to marry someone is probably the biggest decision of your life but it should also be the easiest...right?

i don't know. somedays i feel like i am and others... not so much.

it should be the easiest decision and somedays it is. and somedays (like today) it isn't.

bex · Chanel

scarlett wrote:

i definitely understand that feeling of "i've already put so much time into this." three years is a long time, but you are young -- you have plenty of time and opportunity to meet someone else. don't let fear hold you in a relationship. i don't mean to say that you are afraid -- you know much better than me, obviously -- but it should be love that binds you to your boyfriend, not fear of what else is out there. you mention you aren't sexually attracted to him. has that always been the case, or is it more of a recent development? does your boyfriend know how you're feeling? maybe he's just so comfortable he hasn't realized he's made you feel so antsy. i don't think it would be bad to go look at apartments. he knows this is what you want to do and he's had more than enough time to do something about it on his own. seeing you in action could really spur him to do something.

i know i have invested a lot of time but in the grand scheme of things- it isn't really that much. i have dated a lot of jerks in the past and i finally find a nice guy but there is no passion. i thought i could trade in the sex for a great friendship but when other couple friends of ours share their little stories- i feel sad that we don't share that in our relationship.

as for the sexual attraction- it really hasn't ever been there for me. in the very begining yes, but after a while i noticed it was always me initiating sex and so i stopped for a while and now it has gotten to the point where we don't have sex at all or only a couple times a month. and when we do it is so routine with no foreplay that i hate it.

*sigh* i think i know what i have to do... but it will be so hard... 30% of me wants to leave and 70% of me wants to stay but i know it is the wrong thing... maybe if i look at these lofts without him and possibly move- it will push him into action in the career area and we can work on the sex part later.

blubirde · Chanel

With decisions like these in the past the thing that has helped me the most is the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. Or 1 year or 3 years or 6 months, whatever. Basically when you imagine your future, however vaguely, is he there? And is he there because you see a future involving the two of you or is he there because he's like your tv - always on and just a part of the scenery?

Does the thought of finding someone who you are sexually attracted to plus someone who is all the things the current BF is excite you? Can you imagine it better than you have it right now? (I'm not talking about him getting a different job. I mean relationship stuff.)

Is being alone that different than being with the current BF? If it is, which one is better?

bex · Chanel

blubirde wrote:

With decisions like these in the past the thing that has helped me the most is the "where do you see yourself in 5 years" question. Or 1 year or 3 years or 6 months, whatever. Basically when you imagine your future, however vaguely, is he there? And is he there because you see a future involving the two of you or is he there because he's like your tv - always on and just a part of the scenery? Does the thought of finding someone who you are sexually attracted to plus someone who is all the things the current BF is excite you? Can you imagine it better than you have it right now? (I'm not talking about him getting a different job. I mean relationship stuff.) Is being alone that different than being with the current BF? If it is, which one is better?

blubirde: good questions:
1. when i think of myself and my goals in 1, 3, 5 years- i always think of it in terms of myself. in one year, i want to have all CC debt paid off and own my own place. in 3 years, i want all student loans paid off and be a step higher in my job. in 5 years, i want to have my MBA. those are my goals. none of them contain him.

2. The thought of finding someone like him but that i am sexually attractive too is exciting. i actually chatted with an artist this past weekend and for the first time in a long time, i was thinking about him in a non-friend kind of way...

3. i am not afraid to be alone. i seem to always find a circle of friends wherever i am... i think i am afraid of hurting him mostly. b/c even though he doesn't express emotion- when he has- it has been deep rooted.

maybe i can make it a "trial" thing of me moving to Columbus and offering that he possibly can join me when he gets a job. and before you think- oh he'll work hard to get a job then... the answer is no. he just told me today that he is getting profit sharing at work and a raise. he seemed pretty content to stay today. i think if i manuveured it that way, then we would just "drift apart" and it wouldn't be like i just rashly moved out and hurt him...

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

it is very hard to imagine hurting the one you are so close to. the fact that you're even thinking about that shows what a caring person you are, and i bet that's one of the reasons you always have a circle of friends.

having the sexual part of a relationship missing can really eat at you. i was in a relationship once where eventually i did all the initiating; i think i know how you feel, and it can be a very lonely place. but i also think you will meet other people you are attracted to, and who will be attracted to you (like with the artist you met!). sex isn't the most important thing, but it is part of who we are, and you deserve to experience that in your life as well as the other parts of being in love. you can and will find that with someone else if you choose to end your relationship.

you are the most important person from your point of view -- put yourself and what you want and need first, and the rest will take care of itself. i know that's hard -- it's always been hard for me, actually -- but i really find that when you do that, things do work out the way they should.

BTW, i went to college near columbus and have a soft spot for that city. how cool that you'll be moving there!

theotherjess · Chanel

esquiress wrote:

Deciding to marry someone is probably the biggest decision of your life but it should also be the easiest...right?

I think that is the most profound thing I have heard in a long time about marriage. Wow.

sephorablue · Marc Jacobs

scarlett wrote:

sex isn't the most important thing, but it is part of who we are, and you deserve to experience that in your life as well as the other parts of being in love. you can and will find that with someone else if you choose to end your relationship.

very well said, and I totally agree. I know that it's nearly impossible to sustain that sexual spark throughout a lifelong relationship, but it seems a bit of a tragedy to have already relinquished it at 26. I don't know how you are in relationships, but for me, diminished or extinguished sexual attraction means I am losing interest in the person and in the relationship. Is it possible that could be part of it?

That aside, though, I remember from previous posts of yours that you and your boyfriend seem like pretty different people. You sound extremely bright, driven, motivated, always pushing yourself forward and upwards and taking on new, adventurous things. While he sounds like someone who is perfectly happy with and comfortable with the status quo, even if it's not the best he could be or the most he could be getting out of his life. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, I'm just pointing out that you two seem to have pretty different priorities. I think you had mentioned before, too, that he really wants a family and the whole white picket fence suburban lifestyle, while you are much more focused on your career and are not at all sure that you will ever want children.

This may be more opinion than you asked for, but from what you have said about the two of you and your relationship, it sounds likely that you will only continue to grow farther apart. Those aspects of your personalities are so fundamental that they will not change; he will always be less motivated, more complacent than you would like him to be, and you will always be more of a go-getter than he is. I think your thought of moving to Columbus by yourself as a trial period is a really good idea; it doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship if you don't want it to, but at the least it should give you both some time and space to think about what you really want from your lives and your futures and each other. Good luck honey.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

bex- i'm pm'ing you before i go to bed!!!

Ritz · Dooney & Bourke

BEX...

I am SO not the person to give you relationship advice, so I won't. These ladies are very smart, as I know you are, so I know they can help you to come to the right conclusion. it may be cliche, but you just have to do what is right and what you feel will make you happiest in the long run. you (and those close to you) know the situation more so than anyone here. I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right choice, no matter how hard.

That said, I thought you already lived in columbus? i'm a little confused.. but there are also really great apartments being built in the South Campus Gateway and in that general area. the company i intern with has a developer for a client and the new trend in the area is supposedly going to be crazy expensive apartments and condos.. so if you are looking to buy, or even to rent, the time is now. maybe going to look at places will help you decide how you feel...

let me know if you need anything else! i hope it all works out..

blubirde · Chanel

bex wrote:

blubirde: good questions:1. when i think of myself and my goals in 1, 3, 5 years- i always think of it in terms of myself. in one year, i want to have all CC debt paid off and own my own place. in 3 years, i want all student loans paid off and be a step higher in my job. in 5 years, i want to have my MBA. those are my goals. none of them contain him. 2. The thought of finding someone like him but that i am sexually attractive too is exciting. i actually chatted with an artist this past weekend and for the first time in a long time, i was thinking about him in a non-friend kind of way... 3. i am not afraid to be alone. i seem to always find a circle of friends wherever i am... i think i am afraid of hurting him mostly. b/c even though he doesn't express emotion- when he has- it has been deep rooted. maybe i can make it a "trial" thing of me moving to Columbus and offering that he possibly can join me when he gets a job. and before you think- oh he'll work hard to get a job then... the answer is no. he just told me today that he is getting profit sharing at work and a raise. he seemed pretty content to stay today. i think if i manuveured it that way, then we would just "drift apart" and it wouldn't be like i just rashly moved out and hurt him...

I think you answered all your own questions, in more ways than one. You sound ready to move on theoretically but it sounds like you're just practically finding it hard to do. I think there's always a period of time between the idea and the action. You have to accept the idea and get comfortable with it before you can act on it. (When I say "you" I really mean me because this is what I was/am like.)

I think moving to Columbus is a really great idea. Test it out for both of you and see how it goes. And who cares if you buy a one bedroom now and end up needing a two bedroom? Just sell the one and buy the other. People do it all the time. It's no big deal.

I think you'll be amazed at all the different things you feel when you move away. Just embrace your feelings and try to give yourself a chance to grow and prosper in all the ways you imagine you can/will.

Mandy · Kate Spade

blubirde wrote:

You have to accept the idea and get comfortable with it before you can act on it.

I totally agree with this. I think once you stew it over in your head enough there will come a point where you are ok with the idea. Then, acting will be much easier.

good luck figuring things out.

bex · Chanel

thanks for all of your advice ladies. i really appreciate it.

i am going to mull things over and take my time acting it out.

i'll keep you posted on any changes...