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Post Info TOPIC: Angry with Eloping Sister (long vent)


Marc Jacobs

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Angry with Eloping Sister (long vent)
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My sister has been engaged for 5 years, and has never set a date or tried for longer than a minute to plan her wedding. A few months after becoming engaged she got pregnant  and the wedding took a back seat. She and her fiancee have been living together and acting like a married couple, so the family never really pushed the issue.

When she got engaged, my parents were both employed and could have easily given her the wedding she wanted. However, 3 years ago they both lost their jobs, and were both unemployed for 2 years. Only in the last year have they found work. My dad works part time and my mom works full time for a non-profit - not exactly big money makers. Not to mention, being unemployed for 2 years ate away substantially at their savings.

Now, my sister is bound and determined to get married this year. My folks don't have much money to take care of it, nor do my sis and her fiancee or the fiancee's family.

Her fiancee won an all expenses paid trip to Cancun through work, and they have decided to get married there, in a month.

I am so hurt and angry I don't know what to do. My family has bent over backwards to help her family out as they have strugged financially too. Naturally, I was honored 5 years ago when she asked me to be her matron of honor, and now I don't get to help plan or even see the ceremony. Her son won't even be there (my folks are watching him for the 5 days they will be gone).

I'm mad at my sister for not even considering doing something up here. I'm mad at her for not deciding to do this 2 months ago when they found out about the trip so we could have had a shot at planning to attend. I'm mad at the situation of my folks not having the money for a true wedding (which I think is why my sister is doing it this way) but the anger is coming out as anger towards my parents and not the situation.

When I found out on Saturday I sobbed harder than I ever recall crying. Sunday, when I saw my sister at mother's day, and she announced her plans for my grandparents, she seemed so excited that I was feeling a little better about it. She then tried on her dress for my grandmother and I, and it was hard to be mad at her, seeing how pretty she looked and how excited she was.

She and her fiancee have had rough patches, and I think part of the delay in getting married was them not being 100% sure they were ready, and I'm very glad that they are both ready now.

I just can't help feeling so hurt and forgotten and angry and upset. It seems very selfish to elope when so many people have been part of the relationship and really want to see the ceremony.

To make matters worse, my mom called me last night to talk about what I thought, and I told her I wasn't ready to talk about it. She pressed on and I took some of my anger out on her. I feel just terrible about that.

I'm just having a hell of a time with it. I'm afriad by the time I get on board with it, it will be just in time for them to leave, and that I'll be angry again when they return and tell this beautiful story that we weren't a part of.

 

If you have any advice, I'll take it, but I really just needed to take the time to type this and get this off my chest.



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-gd



Hermes

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I'm sorry you're upset ((hugs))



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Gucci

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You know, family weddings are happy occasions, but they are also almost always filled with some anger, resentment and just hurt feelings. I'm sorry that your sister has made you feel left out. It must just be miserable because you want to be happy for her, but you feel less than important at the moment, right?

The only advice can give is for you to try to see the good side to it. You sister has grown up enough (as has her fiancee) to make that important commitment to each other. Your nephew will benefit from their commitment. Legally, it will make things easier on each of them if the other should get sick or seriously hurt. Living together with a child and acting as they are already married is great, but it's not recognized by the courts in many states and can leave your sister (or her fiance) in serious financial trouble if something should happen to one of them (not to mention that they are not recognized as the "next of kin" and won't be allowed to make any health decision for the other without a signed Health Power of Attorney. As a wife or husband, they have the right to make health decisions if something bad should ever happen.)

Weddings are one day. Marriages are a lifetime. If possible, could you make the time that they are away a special bonding time with your nephew? Maybe take him out for the day. He's probably going to feel kind of left out too. This might lessen some of your anger. Focusing on making him feel special will strengthen your relationship with him and make you feel better too.

In any case, I'm sending you some good vibes and a hug or two.



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Hermes

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I'm so sorry you're upset about this! It sounds like you're having a really rough time, and I get it. I think you feel left out and like she doesn't want you there. But I feel certain that she is not doing this because she doesn't value you or your parents. I'm not even engaged and I already know I want to elope. Planning weddings is such a headache, and sucks up so much time and money from everyone involved. Especially because they based this around a free trip they already had, I'm sure they're taking this route to try to save money. And maybe, since they have had those ups and downs, they think it would be special and important to have this time to themselves and really have a meaningful day as a couple, without worrying about throwing a party or thinking about anyone except each other. NOT because they don't value you, but because this is a beginning of a new journey for them as a couple and maybe they just want to start this journey privately. Maybe she doesn't want it to be a big fuss since they've already been together so long. Maybe she's just not into the idea of making a big fuss in general, if she wasn't even excited about wedding planning in the beginning. And of course there could be a million more reasons for this that would never even occur to me, that has nothing to do with her actively trying to shove you out.

Anyway, I know this probably isn't making you feel a whole lot better, but I just think it's important to realize that she didn't make this decision with the intent to hurt you.

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Dooney & Bourke

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Boots wrote:

You know, family weddings are happy occasions, but they are also almost always filled with some anger, resentment and just hurt feelings. I'm sorry that your sister has made you feel left out. It must just be miserable because you want to be happy for her, but you feel less than important at the moment, right?

The only advice can give is for you to try to see the good side to it. You sister has grown up enough (as has her fiancee) to make that important commitment to each other. Your nephew will benefit from their commitment. Legally, it will make things easier on each of them if the other should get sick or seriously hurt. Living together with a child and acting as they are already married is great, but it's not recognized by the courts in many states and can leave your sister (or her fiance) in serious financial trouble if something should happen to one of them (not to mention that they are not recognized as the "next of kin" and won't be allowed to make any health decision for the other without a signed Health Power of Attorney. As a wife or husband, they have the right to make health decisions if something bad should ever happen.)

Weddings are one day. Marriages are a lifetime. If possible, could you make the time that they are away a special bonding time with your nephew? Maybe take him out for the day. He's probably going to feel kind of left out too. This might lessen some of your anger. Focusing on making him feel special will strengthen your relationship with him and make you feel better too.

In any case, I'm sending you some good vibes and a hug or two.


 Really nice advice - I agree.  Why don't you throw her a party when she gets back to celebrate? - It can be as nice, or casual as you want to make it.

 



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Marc Jacobs

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I've asked how she'd like to celebrate when she returns, and she hasn't given it any thought. I can't tell if she just hasn't thought about it or isn't intereted. She is being a closed book about the whole thing.

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Marc Jacobs

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greendiamond wrote:

I've asked how she'd like to celebrate when she returns, and she hasn't given it any thought. I can't tell if she just hasn't thought about it or isn't intereted. She is being a closed book about the whole thing.


 

She probably knows it is hurtful and she's doing the 'wrong thing' for the family and so is skirting it under a table.

I would just talk to her about how she feels.  She probably would love an expensive, local wedding but has probably hyped herself up about the Cancun elopement considering the financial situation.  I wouldn't beat her up over it.  I think it'd be nice to have a celebration for family locally so that everyone feels like they are part of the celebration as well.

 

Also... I know a lot of people that elope with a small group of family and friends.  I'm assuming they don't want to bother asking anyone to bear witness or be guests.. but why?  



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Chanel

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greendiamond wrote:

I am so hurt and angry I don't know what to do.


 

This stands out to me as the most important part of your post - of course you're hurt, you wanted to be part of her big day. Maybe you still can be. Maybe you can set up an amazing surprise florist, or pay for a nice dinner after the wedding. Maybe there's something you can do that will make you feel like you're not completely out of the fun stuff - once you're not feeling so hurt about it.



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Marc Jacobs

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Su, I think it is excellent advice to try do contribute something to their ceremony remotely. I am going to look into that today.



I spoke with my sister last night and I am feeling better for now. However, if the past few days have taught me anything, just when I think I'm over it, I may not be. So, I'll have to wait and see if any other emotions spring up.


Thank you for all your advice and support!

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-gd

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