STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

my boyfriend might be an alcoholic - long post

Hermes

I would try to find a way to help him to change this, since he says he does want to change it. Maybe he should just try scaling back, maybe everytime he has a drink he has to have a big glass of water before he has another one. Or maybe he is only allowed X amount of drinks for the evening, and he has to either stretch them out or drink water for the rest of the night if he's reached his quota. I would try to control consumption first and see how that works.

I definitely think he's a keeper - if he didn't say he felt he had a problem then I would worry. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and tend to overdo it myself on occasion. Often times, it's a compulsive thing - a drink's in front of me so I drink it, and usually too fast - especially if I'm nervous. I try to do the water thing myself, because before I know it, I've had too much. I am thinking of doing the quota thing too.

fashionista L · Coach

Because he admits he has a problem and he is willing to do something about it, I think that you giuys could have a perfectly great future, Just take him up on his offer to help himself, or help him as Detroit said by having him stick to a quota, think everyones gets a lil out of hand at times, this would probably really help him. I think he seems like an awesome guy other than that, (from what you have said) so Good Luck!! I hope everything works out and you guys stop fighting!!

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks, ladies.

those are good suggestions, and it's reassuring to read your thoughts and see they align with mine (so i know i'm not underreacting). i've definitely overdone it myself too, so i'm not one to judge on this issue. like you both pointed out, he's aware of it and wants to do something, which is a huge step. i think this is a hot button issue for me because of my grandfather, but it's not the same situation. we've also stopped fighting, which i am relieved about. detroit, he even said the same thing you did about taking water breaks.

thanks again!

poptart · Coach

Scarlett, he sounds wonderful. And you are obviously a wonderful, supportive girlfriend for him. I agree with the other girls that it is worth sticking around and trying to help him address the problem. But, also be aware of what you are "signing on" for - if he is an alcoholic, and you stay with him long-term, the issue might surface again later in life.

The quota idea and the water are both really good ideas. But they should be something he commits to himself. Having been in the situation, I think you should be very careful not to set yourself up as the "policer" of his drinking. That will put a lot of strain on your relationship and may lead to resentment and cause you to feel responsible for something that isn't your issue and cause him to feel like he is failing you, which is all bad, of course! I would also recommend that he see either a counselor or visit some AA groups. Many of my friends who are/were possibly alcoholics / possibly not have decided to go to AA groups and have found it very helpful, even if they ended up deciding they didn't have a true problem. Having a support system other than you will probably help him address the issue and take some of the strain off of your relationship, even though of course you will still be there for him.

Let us know how things go!

-- Edited by Lisa at 11:21, 2005-09-26

blink · Coach

yes, I have dealt with this and I can tell you that as long as you socialize with people who drink (and geez, who doesn't?) it is very hard to convince the person with the drinking problem not to partake, even when they know/think they have a problem!

Such a person has to decide to restrain themselves on their own, the only thing you have power to do is to be an example, by choosing not to drink or choose not to attend events where the pressure to drink heavily or hard liquor is present. I do this, and it's easy for me because I never had a drinking problem or felt any sort of pressure (I kindly ignore the friends who say dumb things like, "finish your drink!" "have a shot with me" "why aren't you drinking??"). I accept that for some people this isn't as easy as it is for me. I accept that some people can't imagine a social life without drinks, it's so ingrained in our culture and media after all.

I used to be a heavy drinker in my early 20's, it didn't cause problems for me individually, but it was a downer and eventually I just got tired of it. Unfortunately, most of my old friends still drink as regularly as they have for ten years and see no reason to stop. I rarely drink now, for various reasons including the belief that alcohol is the root of a lot of suffering in this culture, also because it has negatively affected the lives of some people I love, I dislike how my husband is when he is even buzzed, and so I basically see no benefit to consuming alcohol anymore. At most, I will have two drinks on a weekend evening if I am out, but I typically drink water and watch everyone else get silly and shake my head.

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

My ex had much the same drinking problem your boyfriend does...drinking insane amounts when in large groups of people, and he said that he had the same problem. Namely, being shy around big groups of people. If that's the case, it sounds like he probably has social anxiety, in which case he should see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Therapy alone can often help, and they could also address his drinking. If therapy isn't enough, there is medication that will lessen the anxiety.

I wish you much luck. It's a difficult situation to deal with.

cat · Marc Jacobs

My ex is a alcoholic.I think the advice lisa and gingembre1 gave you is very good.It sounds like he has more of a social drinking problem,But if he feels it's a problem he should get help from a support group or therapy.Also i want to add that you should look for a support group for family and freinds of alcoholics.When I was with my boyfrined I went to one of these and it helped me alot.With how to deal with his problem and how to support him.hope this helps.

(sorry if spelling is wrong,no spell check at school.)

atlgirl · Gucci

Oh Scarlett...!

"Binge" drinking, or loss of control, is one of the signs of alcoholism. I am struggling with a similar situation myself and it has caused me much distress and greatly eroded my relationship with someone. I wish you the best as you two work together on this, but part of me fears that you are setting yourself up for a road of misery if you continue in the relationship.

I, too, would caution you about "policing" the drinking issue. You do not make him drink, and you do not keep him from drinking. HE must be the one to control it - or stop it completely, if necessary - not you. Also, you should not be expected to give up drinking yourself - if you want to, that's fine, but again, your actions are your own, and no one should tell you to stop drinking because it "only makes it harder for them".

Quotas do not work for some people. Just be aware of that. If he is out with a bunch of people, it's easy to lose track of how many drinks he's had (it's easy for most of us to do that).

I dated an alcoholic years ago, and steered clear of that kind of issue ever since. I've now found out that someone I never thought had that kind of a problem may be an alcoholic, and it's been a very painful time for me to try and deal with this. Remember no matter what, to take care of yourself - don't try to "fix" him or the problem - that is not in your control, and will only hurt you in the long run. Support him and help as you can, but don't lose yourself in the process. That can easily happen with an alcoholic.

Good luck, and *hugs*

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

Hey babe -- I'm emailing you

NCshopper · Hermes

I tend to think that alcoholism is a pretty subjective term and that it's really not a black or white issue--there is so much grey area. It sounds to me, like some of the other girls have said, that he may have more of a social drinking issue than full blown alcoholism. I think to deal with it, you guys will have to figure out what works and what doesn't. Some people can find a way to still drink in moderation, while others have to give up drinking 100%.

I completely agree with atlgirl that you shouldn't be the one to police his drinking. 1) You're not always going to be around him to deal with it. It's something he needs to learn to handle on his own. 2) You don't want to be the "fun police." If you're the one policing him, he may end up resenting you for it and sneaking around. OR he may say "Oh, I'm fine, I can have another" in which case you'll be stuck between a rock and hard place. 3) You'll end up feeling like a nag. And that's just no fun, period.

He does sound like a good guy, and one worth keeping, but that is up to you. And this whole issue of whether or not he's an alcoholic is really a subjective thing for him--if he thinks he has a real problem, then he might. Listen to your heart on this one--it may not be what you want to hear, but it's probably right.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

thanks so much, ladies. i truly appreciate your thoughtful, insightful responses to this.

i've been thinking much the same things, especially the part about not "policing" him. that isn't my job and i definitely don't want it to be! for all the reasons you listed, that would be a very bad way to go about things.

i agree that the only lasting or real change that could happen will be if he is the one to initiate it. D is a wonderful person, and he also tends to be really hard on himself. i know he isn't happy with himself about this. i agree also that there is a lot of gray to this issue -- he's not waking up every morning with the shakes, for instance, thank God. i will just have to see how he handles drinking situations from now on to make up my mind about how our relationship can go.

atlgirl, it sounds as though you've had more than your fair share of dealing with this kind of problem, and i'm so sorry it's back in your life again. i hope your situation works out well and isn't as difficult as your past one was. you sound strong so i am sure you are doing well!

thanks again, everyone. it really is such a smart, supportive group here.

-- Edited by scarlett at 08:46, 2005-09-27

atlgirl · Gucci

atlgirl, it sounds as though you've had more than your fair share of dealing with this kind of problem, and i'm so sorry it's back in your life again. i hope your situation works out well and isn't as difficult as your past one was. you sound strong so i am sure you are doing well

Scarlett, that is so kind of you to think of me when it's *your* thread. Thank you for your good wishes. I wish you all the best going forward with D.