STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

Becoming less guarded

Hermes

Well, what is it that you fear about opening up to females? Judgment, rejection, malicious behavior?

Often times people fear that others will act as they do (projection.) Do you find you engage in the actions you fear from others, and assume that others would act as you do?

Not making any accusations - just trying to define your thinking patterns.

Boots · Gucci

Well, what I think is important is that you seem to want to share more now. I suggest trying it with something small with your most trusted girlfriend. It doesn't have to be something huge or important, maybe just tell her something sweet that your DH privately did. See how it feels and if you like it, then you can tell her more. If you don't feel comfortable talking about those areas of your relationship, then you know that it's just the way you are. Everybody has their own comfort level in revealing their private thoughts.

I'm a pretty private person myself and I was never one to tell people about guys I liked (hell, I still don't even mention a guy to my friends until I'm sure it's not just a passing crush.) I guess that some people over share and some under share. I think what's important if figuring out what you're comfortable with.

Kelly · Hermes

This might be a weird question but - do you really want to be more open, or do you just feel like you should be because "everyone else" is?

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you (or anything bad that must have happened to you) if you value your privacy.

gossipgirl · Dooney & Bourke

Kelly wrote:

This might be a weird question but - do you really want to be more open, or do you just feel like you should be because "everyone else" is?

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with you (or anything bad that must have happened to you) if you value your privacy.

I half agree w this. It's good to open up, because you can gain so much from a trusting relationship (girl friendships included), but on the other hand, there are some crazy women out there.....so I again, I half agree with this.....

Am I rambling?

Suasoria · Chanel

Interesting. To Kelly's point, being guarded all the time can make a person feel painfully lonely and isolated, even in a "crowd." It can make people who love you feel uncomfortable to say the least. Yes there are risks to being open and honest. But it is also a risk to be isolated.

Is there something about the friends you have that make you feel like you shouldn't vent to them? I don't mean that to suggest judgment - it's not that they're insensitive people, just perhaps they have enough on their own plates that you don't feel like talking to them would be something they want right now.

It certainly helps to have female friends to talk to, especially about things going on in your marriage/family. But I feel that if you can be un-guarded around your husband, pound for pound that has a bigger impact in your life than being that way around other women. People who are closest to you deserve the most from you.

And this is a "do as I say, not as I do" thing. I'm way more forthcoming with some female friends than with my husband, but in general, I think I have man trust issues. After 15 years with the same guy, I still have trouble sometimes meaningfully saying "I love you" but my husband knows me well enough to understand it (mostly). I kid you not; one time when we were going to sleep he said "I love you" and I said in response, "yes, I look forward to seeing you tomorrow." I was halfway kidding but in my weird little world I wasn't.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I think my biggest fear is gossipy/crazy behavior. But, that isn't really who my friends are (but I have had some gossipy/crazy ones in the past, thank you college). I am friends with one gal who has no filter and will talk about ANYTHING and I don't share with her because I know anything I say could come up in conversation at any time with anyone, just because that is how she is (it isn't malicious).

I pondered this most of the day yesterday. I've realized that in particular the one person I feel especially guarded with is someone I (and my husband) use to work with. I think I got use to the fact that since my hubby was a fellow co-worker that I just didn't share much because of the work factor. Now that none of us work there it might not matter anymore, and I'm just in the habit of being tight lipped.

Kelly, I'm just on the cusp of wanting and feeling I should. I want to open up a little because I think it can form better trust in a relationship and build a better fiendship, but I don't want to reach sitcomy levels of (over)sharing. I'm a private person to begin with, so I'm not going to be able to go overboard.

Su, sometimes it is that I don't want to vent to someone who has just vented to me because I don't want to put more on their plates.

Maybe I'm not guarded, maybe I'm just a private person who is a better listener than sharer. :) .... TOMaTO, tomAto I guess, but sounds better!

Hermes

I totally understand how you feel. I am very candid with my feelings, but I don't go so far as to talk about sex or overly private, intimate things. Being as open and honest as I am, if I begin to sense a detachment and lack of empathy, I start to feel uncomfortable. If someone makes me feel uncomfortable and as though they're judging me, I choose to either completely close down or end the friendship. I don't like being around people that I'm not comfortable around and are not accepting and supportive of me.

However, the only way I can reach this conclusion is by being myself, being open, and seeing how the relationship develops from there. I can very easily cut my losses though -- perhaps it is difficult for you to do that (I think it is difficult for most people.) Perhaps when you form a friendship, you're in it for the long haul and opening up carries with it a risk to be judged/rejected/talked about and leading to a subsequent end (does that make sense?)

I'm not saying my way is the right way, it's just who I am, and who I am is OK. I have the attitude of take me or leave me for who I am, and I do the same of others (I'm very open and accepting of most people as long as they're genuine.) I'm not going to behave differently for acceptance or to manage their perception of me.

That said, I have very few close friends and a shitload of acquaintances. There are very few people out there that are a good "match" for me. Most of my activities are shared with my husband. I'm actually pretty introverted and not very social IRL. I have wanted more close female friendships myself, but have had no luck finding it beyond my best friend from high school who I see only like twice a year and speak to infrequently. I've basically decided that if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't I'm OK with it.

pollyjean23 · Marc Jacobs

Maybe I'm not guarded, maybe I'm just a private person who is a better listener than sharer. :) .... TOMaTO, tomAto I guess, but sounds better!

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I think this is the key right here. While thinking about this topic, I asked myself, "what are the ways in which someone can be a good friend, make beneficial connections, and be social?" Certainly, being a great listener is one of them (probably the best).

If you have issues you would like to discuss, but you are a private or guarded person, or you don't feel comfortable with one or more particular friends, then maybe you could talk to a counselor for those things. If you feel comfortable with a hired professional, and you just need to vent stuff out to a neutral party, then that might be a fitting way to go about it. Of course, a friend usually knows the backstory and can provide the personal touch. But, if you don't feel comfortable in that setting, then you have to use the areas (or find ones) that feel okay.

You can be a great friend, and you can benefit from having friendships (with anyone, not just fellow women) without having to share (read: overshare), a la Jules on Cougar Town. I was burned repeatedly by telling friends things. One would usually start pursuing the guy on whom I revealed I had a crush, and the other would announce it to the world or the guy, himself. We've written about this issue before on ST; building and maintaining friendships is difficult as adults. Another thing we must consider is friendship probably looks very different as adults compared to what we grew up with. You have to almost learn all over again in some ways.

In the end, I still think you have to do what feels most comfortable to you. We live in an extroversion-focused society, and it can be difficult to wade through the social scene if you're more introverted. Neither style is good or bad. But, when you live in an extroverted culture, success, health, achievement, and many other factors are measured against the acceptable level of extroversion. There's nothing wrong with introverts, we (I am one) just have to work harder to find a balance between feeling too comfortable and putting ourselves out.