STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

poptart · Coach

So fed up -- Need advice -- Long

NCshopper · Hermes

Wow--what a crappy situation!!! That really sucks.

I was trying to put myself in your shoes as I was reading what you wrote, and to be honest, I don't think I would have acted any differently, and I don't think you should apologize for what you said either. He pushed your buttons, and you politely tried to tell him to stop, and yet he continued to do push your buttons. So, he was in the wrong, not you.

Now, as to what to do about it...you're going to need to talk to J., not your mom, about the problem. In order to get any results out of your chat, you're going to have to give him a bit of a peace offering. You could start by saying something along the lines of: "Hey J., I want to apologize for the uncomfortable situation the other day" (you're apologizing for the awkwardness of the situation, not for what you said). "I was really frustrated because I felt like I had asked you politely to stop taking my picture, and you continued to do it. I got to the point to where I didn't know how else to tell you to stop, since you weren't listening to me. What can we do in the future to make sure this doesn't happen again? Obviously, we both have my mom's best interests at heart and it would make her really happy for us to be able to get along better in the future."

By doing this, you're a) not apologizing for what you said, b) telling him your side of the story, c) opening the lines of communication with him and d) making this a shared problem, not blaming him and putting him on the defensive. Also, making sure that your mom is happy should be motivation for him to resolve this with you so it doesn't happen in the future. I really think that you need to talk directly to him about the situation, if at all possible.

Also, for what it's worth, when you have to argue with someone about these kinds of things, it's best not to generalize statements, ie "You always say mean things about my brother" or "You never know when to stop making jokes." Instead, point to concrete examples and try to pinpoint exactly when you felt the line had been crossed and make that clear to him. You want to avoid making him feel like he has to defend his actions, because the minute he feels defensive is the minute that he'll start working against you.

I hope this helps. Good luck, and let me know how it turns out!

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with NCShopper about talking to J directly. I'm not sure I would apologize for the event (because I'm stubborn like that and I'm rarely the bigger person, especially when I feel I'm in the right) but I'd definitely discuss making y'all's relationship better.

Maybe something like: "I feel like I'm a bit uncomfortable when we're all together and I'd like to try to fix that, for Mom, who I know we both care about and want to make happy." And then maybe go into how you feel like he doesn't value your opinion, which makes you unhappy and a bit reluctant to spend time at their home, which also doesn't make your mother happy.

I'd try to stick the focus on myself so he wouldn't feel attacked and get defensive. Maybe he'll think he's trying to help you, and people always like people they help more than others. (I'm trying to remember my semesters of psych class here!)

HTHs!

lynnie · Chanel

Hmm, ok. While I understand why you feel the way you do and why you acted the way you did, I do kind of think it was out of line to talk to him that way. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it at all. A similar thing happened to my friend, A. She was at our friend M's birthday celebration. M is dating a boy named E. A doesn't really like M's bf E, for good reason. He is kind of obnoxious and says things that rub people the wrong way, plus can be a jerk and doesn't know when to stop sometimes. Basically, their personalities just clash- he is not a bad guy, but doesn't get along with some people, just the way it is. Well, A tries to put her feelings aside for M's birthday. But E starts getting on A's nerves. He starts physically pinching her and twisting her arm because he thinks its funny. She tells him, "E! Stop, that hurts!" and he doesn't stop. He finally says, "If I stop, will you leave?", kind of joking, but kind of not. Very asshole. But then she yells, "YES I'LL FUCKING LEAVE!" Silence, then M yells at A for talking to E that way. A runs out crying, leaves, and M gets mad at her for leaving the bar. And while we all completely understand A's side of the situation, think E was out of line and annoying, the fact that she exploded at him when he thought he was just kidding around dampened the mood, made everything awkward, ruined M's birthday, and furthered a rift between A and M. I'm not sure what it is, if its the "eff" word or the tone or perhaps both, but I always think its best to not speak to people that way. I know this is old fashioned, so I'm not trying to say that you are wrong or anything, just that it might hurt people that are also old fashioned.