STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Andrea Julia · Coach

Utter frustration

atlgirl · Gucci

Oh Andrea Julia, my heart goes out to you - I can hear your frustration in this post!

I know it's hard when you feel out of step with the world and want to be with someone, but no one seems to be on the horizon (much less within arms' reach).

Can I ask you something - what do you imagine getting married will do for you? Besides provide a constant companion, I mean. I hear you saying you want to be in a relationship, and that's understandable. But getting married, IMO, isn't something that you should set as a goal for yourself, since you can't achieve it by yourself. That sort of perspective tends to lead to desperate acts - like marrying the wrong person, or something.

The thing is, marriage is not an end-all, be-all. I wouldn't trade my marriage, but sometimes...I miss being alone, being single, being by myself. The grass is always greener, ya know. But then, I got married (5 years ago, and I'm 37 now) after over ten years of being on my own, and while it was scary to me at first, I really enjoyed it during my long years of dating (and not dating).

And yes, I love my husband dearly, but marriage is work! And everyone is different, of course - some marriages are more work than others - but for me and most of my friends, it has its ups and downs like anything else. I don't know you, but your post almost sounds like you think everything will be just grand once you are married. That's not always so.

My personal feeling is that unless a person is able to be happy single, then they most likely aren't going to be happy in a relationship either. Being comfortable with being yourself and being alone is a huge thing. I struggled with that - I stayed in an early relationship much longer than I should have, because I thought being with someone - even someone not good to/for me - was better than being alone. But it's not. And it was a b*tch to get used to being alone, and really examining who I was and what I wanted, in the quiet time after that relationship, but it was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.

Besides...what happens if you meet someone tomorrow, get married a year from now, or two years, whatever, and then it doesn't work out? Or they die? You'd be alone again...marriage is no guarantee that you'll be partnered for your whole life, no matter how much one might prefer that. I know that sounds harsh, but it's true. So try not to put all your energy toward reaching a goal that you can't possibly achieve alone.

From some previous posts, I sense that you are kind of a "rules" girl...you have certain standards (like not asking a guy out), and I am certainly no one to tell you to change them. But have you considered that your perspective might be limiting you a bit? I'm not saying that you have to ask a guy out, but my own experience has been that if a girl is confident, and comfortable with herself, guys tend to find that attractive. --I'm not articulating this well at all, so please don't take offense at my muddling here--I'm not trying to say that you aren't confident or comfortable with yourself.

Anyway, the more time I spent alone, or just casually dating - I never went into any relationship expecting it to get to marriage - my perspective was "let's see what happens with this" - the more confident I became - with myself, and with the idea that I might never have a lifetime partner. I actually got to the point where I really didn't mind that (oh, yes, there would be times when it would rub me the wrong way, but overall I was okay with the idea of just myself for company). And as I got older and got used to that, I ended up dating a lot more than I did when I was younger (I had a ton more dates in my later twenties and early thirties than I did in my early twenties). I think it was because I came across as happy and comfortable with myself. And with that comfort level came a more outgoing personality - I was more willing to initiate conversations with guys, where in the past I'd been too shy and insecure to do so - to name just one example. The way I carried myself changed - I used to walk with my head down, avoiding eye contact with most people - and one of the things my husband said to me when he first met me was that he could tell I was confident by the way I walked.

Anyway, this is all not very clear, I'm afraid, but what I've taken from this post (and some others) is that you are ready and willing to be in a relationship, but that you have a set of rules for how getting to that relationship should proceed. And maybe that set of rules isn't working for you...so maybe you want to shake things up a bit. If you see someone who looks interesting, go after that a bit. It doesn't mean you have to ask them out, but chat with them. Flirt a bit. Have a casual conversation - who knows, if nothing else you might end up with a new friend, and who knows how many friends he might have - one of them might be the man you're looking for. *s*

As far as meeting people - what do you like to do? Are your passions / hobbies / activities the type that encourage interaction with others (esp. males)? My biggest passion - jewelry making - isn't exactly the type of thing that will interest a lot of men, LOL, but I used to exercise a lot - hiking and mountain-biking and inline skating - and I'd almost always at least have the opportunity to meet somone at the bottom (or top!) of the mountain, or the end of the trail, even if it was just a casual "hello" at first. That might lead to more conversation, or it might take running into them again the following week...but it put me out there with other people who enjoyed the same thing. I know it sounds trite, but if you love cooking - take a cooking class. If you enjoy - I don't know, postage-stamp collecting, then join a stamp collecting group. You never know whom you might meet, and in the meantime, you're out doing something you enjoy, and are focused on that, instead of thinking, "I don't want to be single". Volunteer (if you don't already). Join some sort of association for something you support. Be open to any possibilities, because you never know where the path will lead you. Some paths will be dead ends, but others will open up more and more opportunities for you.

And just for reference - I'm sure you did the math, but I didn't get married until I was 32 years old. I was engaged once before that, and had talked about it in general "we'll get married someday" with three long-term relationships - but it never was right, or felt right, until I met my husband. Then I knew within two weeks that he was the guy I'd marry - but he knew I wouldn't move that fast, so he waited for a year to pop the question, and we got married seven months after that. And I firmly believe that being single for so long, and having the experiences I had during that time, were invaluable. I wouldn't trade any of it for anything - even the heartbreaks and bad times.

What I'm trying to say (not so well) is to hang in there, and focus on your fabulous self (which we already know) and what is meant to be, will come to you. It's a question of when, not if. And if you get frustrated in the meantime, we're all here to support you.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

AJ, i think you're just freaking out right now. let's get to the bottom of all this and maybe it will help some.

Andrea Julia wrote:

In the last few months, I have found it intolerable to be single.

Why in the last few months? Try to pinpoint what's happened recently that's got you so on edge.

Now, I have always wanted to be in a couple,

Ok, you know I totally want to be in a couple too but remember this AJ: while it sucks to be alone and lonely it sucks even worse to be with someone and still lonely--that's the real tragedy. so count your blessings for a sec, ok?  you could be in a really unhappy relationship, or going through a break up or whatever and both those things are a helluva lot more emotionally trying than what you're in right now.  i think this is one of those be careful what you wish for situations...

but I think it has definitely taken a turn for the worse. Maybe because my 26th birthday is approaching and DEFINITELY because I don't even know any single people my age.

About the birthday thing, AJ you've gotta get a grip--if you're doing this to yourself at 26, what the heck's gonna happen a few birthdays from now? And as for not knowing any single people your age, that is a problem. You need to meet new people, what are things you can do that can make that happen?

It's not even just my friends; everyone around me is engaged, married, seriously dating, or living together. If I go to Starbucks, the lady giving me my coffee is sporting a huge engagement ring. When I go to lunch with co-workers I am the only single one and the topic of significant others is the main topic of conversation. If I am talking to a cute guy someplace, within 5 minutes, he will mention his wife/girlfriend/new baby. Every day at work, there is an e-mail announcing someone's engagement, wedding or baby. When I go away someplace with a friend, their boyfriend or husband is always waiting for them at the airport and I just have a cranky cab driver. Everyone, everywhere is kissing and holding hands. I just can't get away from it and I can't even feel happy for these people. Sometimes when someone announces they are getting married, my first reaction is, "oh great. another wedding I have to go to alone" (I don't say this, of course).

wait a minute, are you seriously telling me that in the entire state of NJ, there's not one other single person? it sounds there's some kind of perception problem here.  here's an example of what i mean: i didn't know how to drive for a very long time so for a while i was always dependent on my friends to come pick me up from places. and if they were running late, i'd be waiting and waiting and it would be seem like every car that passed by looked like theirs only to have it come closer and not be their car at all. it's like the waiting was messing with my head and making it look like every car was theirs when in reality, it wasn't and it didn't even look like their car. i don't know if that example made any sense at all but what i'm trying to say is sometimes you want something so bad, that it literally colors the way you look at the world.

I feel so alone. I am officially the only single 26 year old that I know. I rarely even meet anyone anymore. I am usually the only single person in any social setting.

This has to suck and is kind of unfathomable to me. I really think you have to change your social settings/social circle if that's the case.

I just don't think I can be happy single.

Well, sweetie, you better try. Because this is the situation God's given you for now and you have to make it work or else be unhappy. Also, I don't know any guy that would want to be with a girl that just wants to be with them because she can't be happy being single.

I love being in a monogamous relationship.

This is one big over-generalization if I ever heard one. AJ, come on, are you seriously telling me you'd be the girlfriend of any old guy that came along? Or is it more fair to say you want to be in the RIGHT monogomous relationship?

I want the companionship and love of a romantic relationship.

Sure, who doesn't? who doesn't want to be in love? it's a fabulous feeling, just not one you can make happen, so what's the point of worrying about something you can't control?

I want someone to do all the "datey" things I want to do with me. Also, I just want to fit back into society in general. I don't want to be in a constant state of third-wheeldom.

Again, "third wheeldom" is a state of mind, as is this whole "misfit in society" mindset you've got going on.

All my life, I have wanted to get married, but now as I get older, it seems like less and less of a possibility.

sure, I've wanted to get married all my life too, most girls do i think. But I think we're turning marriage into this ultimate prize instead of just another chapter in our lives.

Being single was more tolerable when I was younger and knew that on the weekend, I had a bunch (or even a couple) single girlfriends who would be down for going into the city or going to a club.  Now that never happens anymore and I am so scared that I will be single all by myself for the rest of my life.

Honestly the more I think about it, it doesn't sound like you need a boyfriend so much as you do some friends you can relate with. What can we do to get you in a different social circle?

I am even scared I will never be in another serious relationship. I am picturing my future and it is scary to me. This is really the most important thing to me. Getting married has always been my goal. I know it sounds silly to call it a goal, but it is a goal for me. And it sucks because there is not really any clear way to meet this goal. If my goal was career-oriented, I would just know that I had to major in something and then take certain steps. I am really so powerless in this quest.

You're right--it is silly to call it a goal, or a quest for that matter, for all the reasons you just articulated above. I think you just need to relinquish control and enjoy your life and it will all fall into place.

I also think you're just freaking out right now and we all have those moments. Because seriously AJ, I know you and I know you're a smart girl and I know you know all the stuff I just posted!

kenzie · Chanel

Aw, that sucks and I completely understand. I was just thinking about this last night. Obviously, things are terrible with my current bf and there is no way that I can picture myself marrying him. Which is utterly depressing b/c that will make me the oldest single person I know. All of my friends are coupled (married or engaged) and I feel like a loser.

I also came to the realization that the likelihood of me being married by the time I'm 30 is about zero, which is also depressing to me. I don't want to have kids beyond the age of 32 (just a personal thing), so the likelihood of me having kids is also about zero. It just makes me sad.

I just don't understand why I always end up with losers who can't commit or won't commit or are too busy getting drunk with their frat buddies. It's so upsetting.

I completely understand the turning 26 thing. My two new roommates are both 23 and I feel like they are both further along in their lives than I am (as far as jobs, boyfriends, financially, ect). When I started my roommate search, I specified that I wanted a roommate who was at least 25 and you know what? Hardly any repsonded, most likely b/c they are already married or living with their bf's or can actually afford their own apartment. I only got responses from younger people, so I didn't have a choice. I feel like a such a loser between that and my job. It's hard to not wonder what's wrong with me, when I've done everything in my power to make things right. I'm getting more upset the more I write.

But anyway, I'm not trying to hijack your post, but I just want to let you know that you're not alone. I wish we lived closer to each other, we could hang out more!!

-- Edited by NylaBelle at 09:24, 2005-08-17

NCshopper · Hermes

atlgirl wrote:

My personal feeling is that unless a person is able to be happy single, then they most likely aren't going to be happy in a relationship either. Being comfortable with being yourself and being alone is a huge thing.

Both atlgirl and esquiress have great advice, and I agree that unless you're happy in your own skin and being by yourself, you're not going to be happy in a relationship.

I know it sounds cliche, but you only really find someone when you're not looking. And it has everything to do with self-confidence, I think. When you're not looking for someone, it means you're happy with who you are and what you're doing with your life. When you have that going for you, you project an image of self-confidence instead of neediness, clingy-ness, and desperation.

You can always get involved in something that you're passionate about and meet people that share common interests, blah blah blah and follow all the magazine advice on how to meet people or you can change your attitude and start realizing that there are single people EVERYWHERE and some of them are in the places you'd least expect it. (Ex: I met my husband when he was working at Starbucks after the gym one day. Did I go there expecting to meet someone? Absolutely not.)

So, start doing some introspection and figure out what's keeping you from being happy with being alone and work on that first and foremost. If you meet Prince Charming, but depend on him to make you happy, it's not going to work.

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:11, 2006-01-29

honey · Gucci

being single can be so frustrating sometimes. i think the other girls offered some great advice about putting things in perspective -- but that's easier said than done. anyway if you ever want to hang out i know tons of single people. and i rarely don't explore jersey like i should.

blink · Coach

My 34 yr old single girlfriend would so be rolling her eyes right now. :)

You are still so young, I know it's frustrating and you gotta vent, but you have so much going for you, I don't know how you could think you will end up all alone. It will happen for you, until then, try not to dwell or despair. You will someday miss the independent 26 yr old you, treat yourself as best as you can and tell yourself it's just around the corner of life, even if that means another ten years or more, you will still be a catch!

HUGS!

blubirde · Chanel

Okay AJ, here it is, your saving grace: Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts: Using the Power of Pleasure to Have Your Way With the World.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0743439937/qid=1124292449/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/102-0409808-2685754?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

I broke up with a serious boy in law school. I spent the rest of law school focusing on anything but boys. Then my friends moved away to their jobs in different states and I was all alone. None of my close friends (what few I had that still lived in ATX) were single and I did not know what I was doing. I was desperate for something to change. Somehow I came across that book in some dating advice column or something (I don't remember - maybe Cosmo?) and decided I'd pick it up - what could it hurt?

So I did. And it didn't hurt. It helped. I started going to the gym regularly (taking the book with me everyday and reading it on the ellipitcal machine), I took a yoga class at a nearby college because I'd always wanted to learn and felt my mind could only benefit, and I started taking painting classes again because that's what I used to love to do.

I didn't meet any boys at any of these things but here's what I did gain: a gym habit (always good), serenity when I need it via yoga (also necessary), and a whole new artistic world filled with creativity, art openings, and new friends. I did all of these things because of that book.

The book is really just simple stuff and maybe it's not necessary to those who can figure it out on their own, but I couldn't. I wasn't happy and I needed to find a way to get happy in my own skin and my own world, because those were the two things that weren't going to change anytime soon. Basically I learned how to be happy with myself. Boys started coming out of the woodwork and I met a lot of new friends - single friends and non-single friends.

It's amazing how much your prespective and surroundings change when you make a decided effort to change it up a little bit. Some of the tips in the book are to accept an invitation to something you'd normally never accept at least once a week. (And you think - what invitation? so did I but I just wasn't paying attention - there are always things going on.) Do something just for you once a week (pedi, mani, shopping, bubble bath, whatever). Those two tips alone can significantly alter your outlook.

I'm 26 and I'm single. And yeah, sometimes boys disappoint me and sometimes I wish I could find the right guy, but I'm, at the core, happy. Honestly, sincerely happy. I didn't used to be though. It took some slight alterations in my perspective to make it so.

I guarantee you the second you get happy with yourself and your life, is the second everyone else wants to start joining it.

Stay strong, girl, you can make it through it!

crystal · Kate Spade

you've already gotten a TON of great advice, but i just wanted to reinforce the "getting out & meeting new people" thing. i used to only surround myself w/ my friends of many years and my coworkers. once the eligible males in those groups got snatched up, i was left w/ nothing! nowadays, though, i do stuff. i go salsa dancing 2x/wk & always meet guys. you'd be suprised how many single, cute guys are learning to salsa!! as you know, i go w/ lilykind on wednesdays, and i go w/ a coworker on mondays. do you not have one single coworker in your whole office? try reaching out to one, or even one that's part of a couple, but comfortable enough to leave her man at home. go out and try new things together.

also, i used to turn down invitations to do stuff if i knew there would be no cute/eligible guys there. instead i would end up sitting home alone & bored! now i DO STUFF! even when it's something that i have no shot of meeting anyone cuz at least it gets your mind off being alone. oh, and you're only a third wheel if you let yourself be! make your friend's bf be the third wheel!! good luck girl... and if worse comes to worse, just move to cali & you can hang out w/ me & esquiress!!

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:11, 2006-01-29

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:12, 2006-01-29

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:12, 2006-01-29

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

You've gotten tons of great advice, so I won't really add anything to it. I just want to say that Blubirde has GREAT advice about going out and doing new things (yoga, painting class, etc). I was in a 4 year relationship, and it was hard being single again. I realized I didn't have many female friends, didn't really have anything to do... But I picked up yoga, started taking a belly dancing class, and then I discovered salsa!!! If you want to meet people, salsa is a REALLY great way to do it. And I'm comfortable going dancing alone, b/c you get asked to dance all the time, so you're never sitting there alone.

But you know what helped me the most, to get out of my post-relationship slump? Online dating. I met a lot of people. I didn't necessarily click with any of them, but it got me out there, and it gave me confidence. I would suggest at least looking into it.

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:12, 2006-01-29

Andrea Julia · Coach

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-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 01:13, 2006-01-29

atlgirl · Gucci

When you do find the next person you like, please, please try it out. I know many guys love a spontaneous girl - your willingness to go to a strip club and drive to the shore like that will be *very* appealing. I think you have so many wonderful qualities, but I just get the sense that you hold them in check. If you let yourself *always* be the wonderful girl you are, you may find that things are very different in the dating arena.

One of my pet peeves when dating was the "dating persona" - where people only wanted to show their best side, and it could take 6 months (or longer!) to let the real them come out. This goes for guys and girls, IME. I always hated that, because it felt like you had to waste a lot of time trying to get down to the "real" person before you knew if you really liked them, what they stood for, etc. long-term. I'm not saying that you have to give everything away up front, or be intimate (I'm not talking sexually) immediately, but showing the good and the maybe not so good up front is a positive. What I mean by not so good is things like your values and opinions on stuff, not just saying "all the right things" when first dating. For example, if you weren't the type of girl to go to strip clubs, but you would do that in the early dating stages because you wanted to keep seeing the guy, but then later couldn't keep up that facade, then the guy has to reassess that, and it might be a bit disenchanting for him. Whereas if he knew it from the beginning, he wouldn't be surprised (and maybe disappointed) later. I like to know the facts from the get-go; it keeps both partners from wasting time with someone who really wasn't a good fit.

This doesn't mean that people don't change in relationships; of course that can (and does) happen. But I do think a lot of people put on their game face in the dating world and I just think it's better if the game face is the real face. It's less effort to maintain and sure cuts through a lot of the crap that goes on.

One of the most appealing things about my husband was that he didn't do "the persona" when I met him. His behavior and attitudes toward things have been very consistent since the day I met him.

kenzie · Chanel

Andrea Julia wrote:

Nylabelle, I don't know how I missed your post before. Trust me, I am totally feeling you. Although I don't really care that much about a career. I went through the job desperation when I was an assistant, but once I got my current position, I stopped caring. I still don't make a lot of money though. I would need a roommate to move out as well. That is why I still live home. Nobody bothers me here; why would I want to move in with total strangers? I don't have single friends to move in with. I also feel like throwing up when I hear the job titles or salaries of people my age or younger. I am usually able to rationalize that though because I know that I am just not a career-oriented person. Anyway, I think I can only focus on one freak-out at a time and right now, it is the "I'm never going to get married" freakout. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is a grown-up and I'm still a kid. You should move to Bergen County. You can work at my company and we can be roommates and go shopping and go to NYC. Haha...I'm really not psycho.

You have PM, by the way.

Andrea Julia · Coach

atlgirl wrote:

When you do find the next person you like, please, please try it out. I know many guys love a spontaneous girl - your willingness to go to a strip club and drive to the shore like that will be *very* appealing. I think you have so many wonderful qualities, but I just get the sense that you hold them in check. If you let yourself *always* be the wonderful girl you are, you may find that things are very different in the dating arena. One of my pet peeves when dating was the "dating persona" - where people only wanted to show their best side, and it could take 6 months (or longer!) to let the real them come out. This goes for guys and girls, IME. I always hated that, because it felt like you had to waste a lot of time trying to get down to the "real" person before you knew if you really liked them, what they stood for, etc. long-term. I'm not saying that you have to give everything away up front, or be intimate (I'm not talking sexually) immediately, but showing the good and the maybe not so good up front is a positive. What I mean by not so good is things like your values and opinions on stuff, not just saying "all the right things" when first dating. For example, if you weren't the type of girl to go to strip clubs, but you would do that in the early dating stages because you wanted to keep seeing the guy, but then later couldn't keep up that facade, then the guy has to reassess that, and it might be a bit disenchanting for him. Whereas if he knew it from the beginning, he wouldn't be surprised (and maybe disappointed) later. I like to know the facts from the get-go; it keeps both partners from wasting time with someone who really wasn't a good fit. This doesn't mean that people don't change in relationships; of course that can (and does) happen. But I do think a lot of people put on their game face in the dating world and I just think it's better if the game face is the real face. It's less effort to maintain and sure cuts through a lot of the crap that goes on. One of the most appealing things about my husband was that he didn't do "the persona" when I met him. His behavior and attitudes toward things have been very consistent since the day I met him.

Yes, I will try. Definitely worth trying. I tend to go into the persona when I start dating someone because I'm afraid that with all the wild things I like to do, that he will think I am promiscuous and try to make me into a booty call. Come to think of that, that happens anyway, no matter how conservative I act. A lot of it revolves around that. I like to wait a long time before being intimate with someone and am always afraid of giving the wrong idea with my actions. I tend to think it's better to act conservative at first and then surprise them later when they already know me.

splash · Kenneth Cole

I totally understand how you feel! The idea of being alone the rest of my life is scary, and would be even more so with so many coupled friends. I can't give you any advice better than what you've gotten, but here's a different version of it, something my mom says a lot: You can't find the right person to spend your life with until you know who you are and have a life to share with him. So buy a house, work to make your career all it can be, do things you enjoy, and someone will appear. (If you seek out single friends through activities.) Seriously, I've never started dating someone from actively seeking him out, and most of my friends in long term relationships say that they found the right person as soon as they stopped looking.