STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

my mother is smothering me ~UPDATE~

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

RE: my mother is smothering me

Hermes

hm. you could say that with everything going on, you are going to deactivate your facebook page because it's too distracting right now, then block her. she won't be able to view any of your facebook activity, and wont be any the wiser.

my father's new live-in girlfriend crossed the privacy line with me on facebook so I put her in my "work peeps" folder that doesn't allow the person to see my wall and posts.

about her calls, there is no rule that requires you pick up your phone whenever it rings. Perhaps give her a call late afternoon to cover her daily calls. if she questions you, just say you're trying to simplify and find you're spending too much time on the phone.

just ideas...

kenzie · Chanel

@gd, I like your suggestions. Her work schedule is pretty crazy since she works two jobs and doesn't have much free time. Generally, there's time once a month to see her if our schedules match up. Although now that I think about it, her one job is only a few blocks from where we live and sometimes we take our dogs up to see her on her when we're walking them (but not right now since the lab had surgery), so perhaps we should implement a weekly dinner downtown. I will mention that to her.

I like your suggestion about ways to respond to her phone call demands, too. Actually, the best time for us to talk is either on my drive into work (no worries, I'm on hands-free with a device in my car), or during my lunch break. When she was dating someone, that was when we talked, but now it's turned into an obsessive thing where she calls or texts or Facebooks constantly and for no reason, then gets upset when I have nothing to say since I just talked to her a few hours ago.

@D, good idea about saying I deactivated, but she'd never, ever buy it. Not for a second. I have different levels of privacy set, too, (for work peeps, specifically), so I could add her to certain groups, or just block her from certain things as I post them. The phone call suggestion could definitely work. She knows I despise talking on the phone anyway, so that shouldn't surprise her.

Oh, and thanks, gd, for the well wishes for my puppy. We are so tired right now! Our biggest problem is that she is refusing to go to the bathroom outside and she holds it for days and then explodes in her kennel (poor thing has to be confined to a kennel for 5 weeks while she heals). She's been home since Thursday and she's only peed twice! Plus she has a UTI right now, so it's bad for her to hold it. (Sorry for the TMI.)

It's good to know your dog had success with the surgery.

-- Edited by kenzie on Thursday 26th of August 2010 01:21:22 PM

Suasoria · Chanel

kenzie wrote:

For example, she Facebook bombs us- she comments on nearly everything we do, sometimes to the point that it's TMI or oversharing or just a little embarassing. Sometimes I delete the comments, but I feel mean doing that. I know I could block things from her, but that feels mean, too.

My mom does that! And the picture thing too. At least I've trained her not to tag me. And I do not feel bad deleting her comments when necessary, or telling DH to delete. (I also have her in a contact group that doesn't see everything I post.)

Your mother is giving you the fallacy of the false dichotomy: she implies that her only two options are being all over you, or being unconcerned. There's a lot in between those two extremes, so you cannot let her manipulate your emotions like that.

It seems the problem with ignoring her is that it escalates into more and more calls, texts, etc., which defeats the purpose entirely.

But I agree with GreenD that the ground rules need to be laid - and probably re-laid several times as she tries to press her luck.

With my mom, who is not nearly as agro as yours, I have to totally flatter her ego to get her to hear me. The other thing I do is subtly blame DH so she doesn't take it as something wrong with her. So, a statement like this would work on my mom:

"I love how concerned you are about (pup-pup). It's so amazing having your support. Dave and I are both really tired and on edge these days. We haven't been able to connect like we're used to doing and I think he's jealous of the time and attention you're getting from me, even though he'd never admit it. I think he and I need some privacy right now."

Another thing I do with her and lots of other people is respond to their voicemails/texts by email or FB messages. I find this trains people not to bother me on the phone.

Elle · Hermes

With you being an only child and your parents being divorced, you are really the only 'permanent' person in your mothers life, or one of very few at most. I think that is probably compounding with you officially growing up/getting married - one naturally turns their primary attention to their new spouse and the life they're building together, but your mom might be feeling left out if nothing in particular is going on in her life right now.

If you haven't been able to have an honest conversation with her about it yet, I'd keep trying or do it via email or a letter. She needs to know that you're still her daughter and you want to actively include her in your life, but you need to have a part of your life that is separate from her now, too. She may not realize that she's attempting to pull you closer to keep from losing you, but what she's really doing is causing you to want to pull away.

I'm sorry about your pup - it's beyond stressful when dogs get sick!

Boots · Gucci

Awww, poor puppy. Hope she recovers quickly.

As for your mom, I completely get it. Mothers are all difficult to deal with in their own unique way. Mine can drive me complete bonkers. It doesn't matter how grateful you are that you're lucky enough to have a mom who is still with you and loves you enough to want to be an active part of your life, she can still drive you up a wall. And it's OK. If you're anything like me, you probably can drive her nuts too. wink

I think just choosing not to pick up the phone will do wonders for you both. She'll be a little miffed at first, but I bet she'll get used to just speaking once a day after a while.

kenzie · Chanel

@Suasoria, you're right about the fallacy of the false dichotomy. And I called my mom on it right away when she tried it. I told her that yes, we do appreciate concern, but we don't need it to be a 24/7 thing. We'll update her when there's an update. Feel free to ask when we talk, but there's no need to obsessively ask for information.

You're also right about ignoring her not always working. I've gotten out of the shower and had 10 missed phone calls and several text messages. I was in the shower! Good grief! I don't have my phone on me all the time.

@Elle, I think you hit the nail on the head. Even though I'm 31 and have been out of the house for years, I think she might be dealing with the getting married thing in the way you mentioned. Even with that, she got way too excited and started trying to plan things I didn't want. And even though I've told her we're getting married at the district magistrate's office, she's still acting like it's some huge ceremony that needs to be planned.

@Boots, yeah, I'm sure I annoy her sometimes, too.

I like the idea of not picking up the phone, but then responding with a text message. I'll see if that works.

Thanks for the advice, everyone, and also for the get-well wishes for my dog.

kenzie · Chanel

RE: my mother is smothering me ~UPDATE~

Hermes

kenzie wrote:

UPDATE

Thanks again to everyone who gave me advice. I've tried all of it. Really.

Nothing was working, so I decided to have a conversation with her about it, in a calm rational manner. I should have known better. She immediately takes calm and rational and turns into a fiasco. She was sobbing hysterically, telling me she was just going to stop contacting me and that she had no idea what I "wanted from her" at this point. Even though I had just told her that our morning phone calls are fine and that SO and I want to have dinner with her once a week when it suits our schedules. And that calling me at work to tell me that Johnny Depp has a new movie coming out is something that could be posted to Facebook, text messaged or just held until I talk to her on the phone the next time.

I also asked her to use a little better discretion when responding to posts on Facebook. I gave her a specific example of what is okay and what's not. To which she also got hugely offended and acted like I'm some crazy loon who is trying to "draw all these boundaries with her."

I'm at a loss here. I love her, I want her to be a part of my life, I don't mind talking to her daily on my way to work or having her post on my Facebook page when it's appropriate, but I honestly think she needs therapy for this. If I tell her that, of course, it will be another fit thrown.

Any more advice here?

/end update

ugh. no advice, but that totally reminds me of my mother. instead of recognizing there's a problem she would take huge offence that I would even hint at her being less than perfect and vehemently deny any wrong doing and say there was something wrong with me for insinuating it. the conversation would then be followed with her passive aggressive silent treatment. honestly, I think it's a matter of being childish. or something. it's weird.

all I can do is extend my sympathies wink

Kelly · Hermes

When did you have this conversation with her? Maybe she just needs to calm down and let it sink in for a while.

Suasoria · Chanel

How is your doggie doing?

Yeah, she needs to cool down before she can hear reason. Has she been contacting you, or is she laying low?

kenzie · Chanel

@Kelly and Suasoria, I talked to her the other day. She has stopped contacting me as frequently and has stayed off my Facebook page completely. We'll see how long this lasts because it's happened before where she lays low and then comes back full-force.

My doggie is doing much better. She had a check-up and everything is healing faster than normal. We still have to take extra precautions with her and it's sort of frustrating because she feels okay and doesn't understand why we're restricting her. She is enjoying being able to be out of her kennel and laying on the couch with our other dog when we're home, though. She goes back in 2 months for her final check-up. Thanks for asking!

@D, thanks for your sympathies.

-- Edited by kenzie on Saturday 25th of September 2010 11:59:36 AM

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I had this issue in June/July this year. The lack of privacy and wanting to know or comment on every little thing was getting on my nerves. So after a short fight via cell phone I quit talking to everyone in my family for an entire month. Talk about freeing yet stressful. I even blocked everyone in my family (including extended family) from reading anything more than my likes and dislikes, birthdate, etc my facebook account - no photo album access, no wall access, etc. After a month I had a talk with my mom and brother and put in some boundaries and it has worked out a lot better. Cutting off everyone for a month was hard but it gave everyone a chance to breathe and have some space to figure out how to move forward.

kenzie · Chanel

Well, *big sigh.* Things really aren't much better. She has stopped commenting everywhere on my Facebook page, but the calls continue. And today, she got angry at me (and was near tears) because I wouldn't tell her the salary for a new job opportunity I might have. What? Who asks that, first of all? And why would you get mad when I refuse to tell you?

I seriously am so stressed about so many other things right now. This is the last type of problem I need. I guess I just need to learn to deal with it because it is what it is at this point.