STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

how do you know if it's more?

NCshopper · Hermes

When I was in a "friends with benefits" relationship back in college, we started out as friends and once we started "benefitting" we stopped the "friends" thing and were just "benefitting," so I'd say the fact that you guys hang out together is a good sign. Also, the fact that he calls, e-mails, and brings you souvenirs means he thinks about you, which is also a good sign.

That he doesn't ask you out on "date" dates and doesn't say things like "I like you...let's hang out more" IMO doesn't mean very much. Guys are not good communicators. Just because he doesn't say those things, doesn't mean that he doesn't like you and doesn't want to hang out. It just means he hasn't said those things, or hasn't really thought that he needs to say those things.

My question is: what do you want out of the relationship? Are you satisfied with being friends with benefits, or do you want to date him exclusively? First, figure out what you want. Second, talk to him and ask him what he wants to see happen. By just being up front about it, you avoid playing all of those silly games that waste time and energy. You guys might be on the same page about the whole thing which is great. Or he may just want a F* Friend and you may not, in which case you'll want to figure out if you want to settle for that.

I think making up your own mind first about where you want the relationship to go is important. If you don't, then you basically let him decide what you're doing, which may not be what you want.

blubirde · Chanel

You make some good points. What do I want? I think I like him. I think I want to only like him. But I don't want to allow myself to really fall for him unless I know it's mutual. I don't think that's weird, but I don't know if I'm the person to determine what's weird or not. Because "I myself am strange and unusual." - Lydia, Beetlejuice

I guess I should be more clear. It's don't feel like it's a fwb relationship. I've had those and I know the difference. There's definitely something more going on. I'm just not sure how much more. Does that make any kind of sense? I'm not really sure what I'm trying to figure out. I know that he likes me. I just want to know that he likes me as much as I like him (or could potentially like him).

You know what's funny? My little voice in my head (you know, the smart, sane one?) now sounds like esquiress. How odd is that?

I'm no longer sure if I'm making sense... sorry y'all!

jacL · Coach

This sounds a lotlike a casual relationship I was once in. The guy acted totally like your guy. He called me the night he got back from spring break with a bunch of girls (all friends, but still), I was the first person he told when his family's cat died, we would just talk for hours when we weren't doing "other" things, he always held my hand, he even woke up once in the middle of the night to come and get me from some bar; we frequently hung out with mutual friends and classmates and never pretended that nothing was going on. I was in total "like," but it wasn't serious so I dated other guys too, mostly just so I wouldn't end up liking the main guy too much. Well, I eventually told him I was also seeing other people and he got very upset. He was only seeing me. I said if he wanted to see me exclusively, then he had to give a little more to make it a full-fledged relationship. Then he stopped calling. That was it (this ended up being a good thing, because this all happened while I was on a what was meant to be permanent but wasn't break from my BF...a whole different story). But I was still sad for a little while. He obviously liked me but not enough to make a full commitment.

I know this is not what you want to hear, and I am sorry. But this is only my one experience with this one guy who never had a good relationship, so I obviously was not the right girl to show him what a good relationship could be like. I hope things turn out better for you. It does very much sound like this guy is in it for more than just sex, but how much more does he want? If you want a more concrete relationship, you have to talk about it with him to see where he stands.

blubirde · Chanel

I know everyone says I should talk to him about it but the thing is, the "more" feeling has just happened in the past few weeks. I don't want to pressure him (or me for that matter) or rush into things. I'm okay with taking it slow, I just want to know we're moving in the same direction. I know there are no guarantees and maybe that's the answer to this big question.

Here are the two scenarios in my mind: 1) He's like your guy jacL, he likes me and he has fun with me but not enough to commit or 2) He does like me enough for there to be a possible future but since it's a fairly new development, he's taking it slowly.

Part of me says, stop worrying and just let what happens happen. The other part of me says to think this thing through and figure out exactly what's going on so I don't end up in a situation that I'll regret.

I'm going to add some positives that I forgot earlier: He's mentioned me going with him to Mardi Gras in New Orleans in February ('cause he knows I've never been and his friend lives there). We email regularly during the work day. He told me some girls need makeup but I'm not one of them. (swoon!)

Oh and guess what? We're going out on an actual, real-life date on Friday. I suggested it last night (granted I had to suggest it) and he emailed me that he thought about it this morning and wants to go blah, blah and do blah, blah. I'm excited. Maybe I'll get an idea of feelings then?

NCshopper · Hermes

I think everything you listed is definitely a good sign. The fact that he's talking about plans for February (a full 6 months away) is a good sign for sure.

I understand not wanting to get yourself into a situation where you'll get hurt, but I can also understand wanting to take things slowly and see what happens. You'll probably just have to judge that for yourself and figure out what you want to do. There are pros and cons to both. Just try not to overanalyze the situation and just have fun with it. It sounds like you two get along great, have good sex, and enjoy each other's company, which is pretty cool!

See how things go on Friday and have fun!

splash · Kenneth Cole

Ooh, I hope the date goes well!

I think you're right about the 2 possibilities. My impression from your posts is that you two have gradually gotten closer (the argument, then maybe like him, etc), which to me says that it *is* a slow development rather just friends. But that's not definite. The date is a good sign though - I'd think that a fwb wouldn't want to commit to a date, since that implies something. And I think it'd be fair to ask him whether he's dating other girls, although I probably wouldn't ask much more than that.

My one similar experience was with a guy whio was a bit older than me, and I guess felt a little guilty about being interested in a younger girl (17 and 22, I think). So he apparently really liked me (stared into my eyes, went out of his way to drive me home, etc), but I was clueless at the time, so even though I really liked him, I wasn't very encouraging. We'd talk for hours, but then eventually I guess he decided that I didn't like him as more than friends, so he stopped talking to me. All that to say - be sure that you're clear with him, as it sounds like he's a little shy or maybe unsure.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

ok, i am seriously soo flattered that you respect my opinion enough for it to be in your head! but just know that you're a very smart girl and the only person whose opinion matters is your own, ok?

now, as for j...i had a feeling we hadn't heard the last of him...hmm...oh wait, total tangent here but if you ever want to talk about this (or anything) call me ok? i'm pming you w/ my #, don't feel weird about calling--aj (andrea julia) and i talk all the time and we met on fh (where a lot of us were at before stylethread) and this weekend we're even meeting in real life for a little while while she's in vegas! so, don't be shy about calling, ok?

anyway back to you and j, here's what i've inferred from reading this post and others you've written about him:

blubirde, it's obvious you like him--a lot. c'mon, don't deny it, you know it's true. you wouldn't be pondering him this much if you didn't. you wouldn't catalogue every little thing he does/says if you didn't. yes, yes you have obsessive tendencies (as do i, trust me--i'm feeling you on that) but still...bottom line is you wouldn't be putting this much effort to really figure things out unless the result really mattered to you. so...deep breath...and exhale. you like j. now what?

well, now that we've admitted it, we can move onto the next step. which is figuring out why was it so hard to admit? and i'm just guessing here but your post really reminded me of this secret i read on postsecret.com once that just rang so true--it went something like this--"i think i'm falling in love w/ you...please don't mess it up." seriously blubirde--every girl feels this way. me, my friends, everyone. so you're not alone, ok?

anyway, you've probably been trying to hedge your bets and hold back your feelings because as long as you keep doing that you won't have to deal with the next step--which is admitting you're afraid of him messing it up. but feelings kinda don't work that way. they exist whether you ignore them or deny them. they're kinda unignorable, undeniable. so the best thing to do really is start dealing with them asap. so ok there...we've gotten step two. you like j and you're afraid he'll somehow mess that up by not liking you back or not being sensitive or whatever.

which kinda brings us full circle, because you were right when you said there were no guarantees--there really aren't--we have to face the risk that j might in fact f*ck it up. but you know what? oh, well. if god forbid, he doesn't share the depth of feelings you have for him or he does but there's something holding him back or whatever, the world won't come to an end, will it? you would still have shared something, right? and that something has to have mattered right? so think about it, do you really have anything to lose? won't you be richer for having had the experience, no matter what that experience turns out to be?

so what's the answer? should you tell him or not? keep being with him or not? only you know. only you know how long you can keep thins the way are. only you know when you won't be able to hold back anymore. basically, only you know your own pace. but once you admit your feelings to yourself, there's a lot less danger of them just spilling out and overwhelming you. it doesn't mean reality really changes but trust me, knowing your feelings and knowing yourself makes you so much more equipped to handle whatever reality turns out to be.

anyway, don't know if i helped at all but good luck and call me anytime, ok?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

Awww Bluebirde - I didn't know you felt so much for this guy! Good for you for going with it, and good luck and hang in there and wow. This is big! My fingers and toes are crossed, pulling for the he-doesn't-screw-it-up scenario.

blubirde · Chanel

esquiress wrote:

ok, i am seriously soo flattered that you respect my opinion enough for it to be in your head! but just know that you're a very smart girl and the only person whose opinion matters is your own, ok?

See? Genius!

blubirde, it's obvious you like him--a lot. c'mon, don't deny it, you know it's true. you wouldn't be pondering him this much if you didn't. you wouldn't catalogue every little thing he does/says if you didn't. yes, yes you have obsessive tendencies (as do i, trust me--i'm feeling you on that) but still...bottom line is you wouldn't be putting this much effort to really figure things out unless the result really mattered to you. so...deep breath...and exhale. you like j.

Arghhhh!!!!! It's so scary seeing it spelled out like that. Why do you do this to me Esquiress?

"i think i'm falling in love w/ you...please don't mess it up." seriously blubirde--every girl feels this way. me, my friends, everyone. so you're not alone, ok? anyway, you've probably been trying to hedge your bets and hold back your feelings because as long as you keep doing that you won't have to deal with the next step--which is admitting you're afraid of him messing it up.

I never thought of it this way, but you're right. I'm just afraid he's going to mess it up at this point. I guess there's nothing I can do about that though. I can only be honest to myself and him (not completely honest but you know what I mean) and then I'll just have to take my chances, which I don't like to do but I suppose there's no big payoff if there's no gamble. I really have an itch to play a little poker right now.

I'll let y'all know how Friday night goes!

kenzie · Chanel

Well, blubirde, I don't know if I'll have much more to add after esquiress, b/c she gives the best advice, but here's what I think.

I think that you like this guy and you definitely are afraid that he's going to blow or maybe even that you're going to blow it. You also have this fierce independent streak that I'm sure is keeping you from really exploring the depth of your feelings. Don't get me wrong, I think independence is important, but not to the extent that you cheat yourself out of something good.

How do you know what he's thinking? You probably can't at this point. He probably doesn't know what he's thinking (he is a guy afterall and sometimes they have a hard time switching gears between their northern and southern brains).

I would say, give it some time. Put on a sexy dress and a pair of smashing heels and have fun on your date on Friday. Don't worry about 'what is this' b/c it's going to be whatever it's going to be and if you constantly worry, you won't have fun. Of course, the point may come where you need to have a talk, but I don't think you're there yet.

I hope that made sense!

poptart · Coach

how do you know if it's more?

i have no idea.

helpful, huh? but at least you know you aren't alone. thank god for esquiress, eh?

blubirde · Chanel

Lisa wrote:

how do you know if it's more? i have no idea. helpful, huh? but at least you know you aren't alone. thank god for esquiress, eh?

ah, well. The best thing about all you women is that y'all make me feel not crazy. It's amazing how worked up things can get when they're left alone in your head to ferment. I honestly think ST is my saving grace - my sanity keeper-upper, if you will.