STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

How can I get family members to stop planning the wedding we're not having?

Permalink · Hermes

hm. Maybe you can just correct them and say "I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, but we're only including close friends and immediate family at the courthouse."

If someone wants to throw you a party, they can invite whomever they want.

You can also beat them to the punch, and quickly send out invites for the courthouse and subsequent celebration. Just put your blinders on and do what you want to do. This is for you, not for them.

kenzie · Chanel

Thanks, D. I think they're just so excited about this since I'm my mom's only child and SO is the last of his siblings to get married (and his parents never thought he would since he's so unconventional). Plus in SO's case, they've been through 8 other (big) weddings with his siblings. I think they just don't grasp that we really don't want that and that it's not about money, either. Even if we had billions of dollars, we'd still do a simple courthouse wedding. It's just what we want.

It's hard to keep it small to begin with since SO's immediate family (as in siblings and their families) totals around 30 people. Me? I'll have one, maybe two, immediate family members there (my mom, for sure, and maybe my dad).

-- Edited by kenzie on Monday 16th of August 2010 08:31:54 AM

Permalink · Hermes

I think a lot of people just don't know how to respond to an impending marriage in any other way. They assume you'll do whatever everyone else in the family/friends does, and can't comprehend that you would want to do something differently.

I would just ignore their assumptions and move forth as you intended. If someone calls you out on something, like why didn't so and so get invited, or why aren't you having this or that, again, use the line ""I'm sorry for any misunderstanding, but we're only (insert what you're dong.)" Pleasant and firm.

jacL · Coach

Ha! Good luck. You just have to ignore them and my advice is to go see the JP as soon as you can. That way, once you are married, no one can attempt to plan your wedding anymore. Some people might complain, but by then, it is a moot point and you should do what YOU want to do--they will just have to get over it.

eta: Congratulations!

-- Edited by jacL on Monday 16th of August 2010 12:09:39 PM

Boots · Gucci

On the plus side, you have a group of people who are soon to be your family excited about the two of you getting married. That will make your marriage much easier in the long run.

I think your best bet is to do what you want and let everyone else talk. They aren't running the show, you and your fiance are. Get married by a JP on the date you want. Have the dinner at the restaurant that you want with the people you want. Really, any event other people want to plan is just talk. You guys are the ones getting married.

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

I've been thinking on this, and I haven't much to suggest. I think the suggestions made so far are good ones.

DH and I did a destination wedding, and a few folks had thier nose out of joint since they weren't included in the ceremony. I told them that the number of people were limited, and instead of doing, say my favorite 30 people, we kept the invite list to parents, sibling and grandparents. Adding any family would have taken us over 30, and I didn't want to ask friends to absorb the expense. We did have a local reception a few weeks later, so that helped the situation some.

Just be firm and understand that all their enthusiasm is coming from a place of love.

But, I'd probably book the JP sooner rather than later!

gossipgirl · Dooney & Bourke

Boots wrote:

On the plus side, you have a group of people who are soon to be your family excited about the two of you getting married. That will make your marriage much easier in the long run.

I think your best bet is to do what you want and let everyone else talk. They aren't running the show, you and your fiance are. Get married by a JP on the date you want. Have the dinner at the restaurant that you want with the people you want. Really, any event other people want to plan is just talk. You guys are the ones getting married.

hear hear - great comment!

Suasoria · Chanel

Any updates since Sunday?

kenzie · Chanel

Thanks for the advice!

No real updates other than the fact that I scheduled our JP appointment for December 30, 2010 at 2 pm. The "venue" is way too small for a large group of people, so it will just be me, SO and our parents. Honestly, I think it's too small for that many people since it's essentially an office, but my mom is insisting on being there. I can't quite figure out why since it's not a ceremony in the traditional sense and there won't be a whole lot to see.

I'm trying to decide if I want to have pictures taken that day, or do them in the fall when the leaves are changing. SO has no preference about that, so it's really up to me.

As for the "reception"- meh. I'm not sure how we can have a dinner without it turning into a huge ordeal and without requiring the use of a banquet room since his immediate family has 30 people. So, he'll have 30 people there and I'll have one. I'm inclined to just say forget it and just have dinner with our parents that night. I do feel like we'd get some push back from that idea, but then like everyone said, it's our wedding and we have to do what we want to do.

I was also thinking about having a gathering at our house, but again, it's just too small for 30 people plus any friends we'd want to invite. So, still trying to figure that one out.

And then there's the whole issue of possibly not even living in this area at that point, so then it really would just be a visit to the JP and nothing else. Things are really up in the air with moving right now, so that adds to the chaos.

ETA: Boots, you're right. They are the best in-laws I could ever ask for and this is all well-intentioned (but still unwanted).

-- Edited by kenzie on Wednesday 18th of August 2010 09:07:04 AM