STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

iconic · BCBG

i dont know how this happened...

poptart · Coach

I totally understand, and I was actually pulling for you to just like him up until I saw the words "girlfriend in another country."

Now, he just sounds like a player. I would just tell him, straight out, that you found out he is seeing someone, and continuing such close contact makes you uncomfortable. Stay strong!

crystal · Kate Spade

a very good friend of mine was in a similar situation recently, except her guy is engaged & lives w/ his fiancee! what a cad!! also, my friend has a bf!! it actually took pictures of her bf w/ another girl to realize how the fiancee must feel & then she immediately broke it off. (they had only kissed, but that's still cheating in my book.) he stopped talking to her which hurt her a lot, but then he immediatly took up w/ another coworker. he used to tell her how special she was & how he never met anyone like her, but now she knows those were just lines. be careful & good luck!!

iconic · BCBG

the crazy thing is i'm reading that book 'he's just not that into you' to help myself get over him and its not really working... i still find myself smitten with him! ladies- i really tried just getting over him and staying away from him but when he doesnt email i miss him so i end up emailing him or something.

i feel like i keep breaking all my own rules for him... just knowing he has a gf and that he emails the way he does would be a total turn off usually but with him it doesnt matter as much as it should... he's 13 years older than me which usually would be a major turn off but with him it doesnt matter at all...

i need help!!!

member · Hermes

I was in kind of a similiar situation before I was w/my BF. I worked w/this guy (where I work now) and he started innocently flirting w/me and then he started emailing me everyday, multiple times a day..the emails were very flirtatious and then one day he asked me to go out, so I did. So we started dating and I came to find out that he had a girlfriend of about 2 years and she lived w/him! What a pig. I tried to avoid him and his emails after that - but he didn't let up..it turned into a really ugly situation, and I hated the fact that we worked together and I had no choice but to see him. It was horribly uncomfortable. Thankfully, he took another job at a different company about a year ago. But he still tries to email me from time to time - I just ignore them now. My advice after going through something similiar - don't go there. I'm not saying someone should never date a co-worker, but never date a co-worker w/a girlfriend. You're more than likely only going to get hurt and turn your office enviroment into an uncomfortable one.

poptart · Coach

I totally understand the missing him thing, but just remember that it's never going to be easier than to cut it off than right now. I'm not saying it will be *easy* but it will be *easier*.

It reminds me (I'm a total nerd, I know) of the Harry Potter movie preview I saw yesterday, where there is a line that says something about the choice between "what is easy and what is right." Sure, it'd be easier to continue the flirtation, but do you really want to be with this kind of guy? And do you really want to be a girl who hooks up with other people's boyfriend's? Please don't take this harshly, I'm just trying to give you some perspective. We all need an outside view sometimes!

Andrea Julia · Coach

Lisa wrote:

I totally understand, and I was actually pulling for you to just like him up until I saw the words "girlfriend in another country." Now, he just sounds like a player. I would just tell him, straight out, that you found out he is seeing someone, and continuing such close contact makes you uncomfortable. Stay strong!

Yeah, me too! At first, I was like "oh this is so cute!" It sounded like the perfect situation until the word girlfriend.

I have a lot of sort of scattered thoughts on this:

I would stop e-mailing with him because it seems like you are becoming emotionally involved with someone who isn't truly available. Plus, he might try to take it to the next step if you continue like this and you might not have the strength to turn him down after all this flirting.

But, before you make a hasty decision, do the people that told you he had a girlfriend know for sure that they are still together? Could he have just recently broke up with this girl and not told them yet because they don't really get into personal conversations that often? I would ask him if he has a girlfriend. He may say yes and think there is nothing wrong with flirting, in which case he is a total loser. However, if he says they broke up, you will have to decide for yourself if you believe him.

However, to kind of contradict what I am saying above, if he was totally available, he would have asked you to go out somplace with him by now. I know you work together and people tend to be cautious about dating at work, but IMO, he has already crossed that line: he might as well ask you to dinner if you are doing the "goodnight call" thing.

blubirde · Chanel

I'm just going to put the warning out there about big, important male lawyers. Knowing a few myself, BE CAREFUL!!! I can almost guarantee you it's a game to him. Not to say he doesn't like you, maybe he does, but you need to look out for yourself with this one, girl. You're playing with sharks here.

All that said, he could be a good guy (there are always exceptions). And, like AJ said, it's possible the girlfriend info was unreliable right? And if the gf is in another country, how close can they be? I'm not saying that's an excuse but that's really his problem, ya know? (I'm not advocating going out with men who are married/seriously attached/whatever, but if they're just dating someone else, it's really not your responsibility to avoid him is it?)

If you really want to know, why not just ask him out for a drink one night and see what he says? Straight out ask him if he has a girlfriend and tell him what you heard and see what happens. That's not a weird question to ask and then you'll know what's going on.

But like I said - be careful. You never know what he's thinking/doing.

splash · Kenneth Cole

Nooooooo!!

That's my initial reaction. The one exception is if he's just broken up with the gf. But basically it sounds like he's one of those incredibly attractive guys that you really really have to stay away from. Have you asked him about the gf? Seems like if you mentioned her casually, his reaction would show whether he's dangerous or not. I know it's hard to resist this kind of personality, though. Maybe either try to think of him as a gay friend who's very flattering, or try to think of his comments as so flirtatious they're a little absurd/laughable. Oh, and gradually cut down on the emails unless you get a definite, believable response that he doesn't have a gf.

Pork the other white meat · Nine West

I think you should explore your feelings with him.

amazingfruit · Nine West

I agree with pork

-- Edited by amazingfruit at 19:50, 2005-07-29

-- Edited by amazingfruit at 19:51, 2005-07-29

honey · Gucci

my first instinct is to run like the wind, and i definitely think you should proceed with caution. the thing is, i have a friend who was in a very similar situation. she met this guy while she was an exchange student in alabama (she's from brazil) and he was from ireland. anyway it was pretty much the same scenario, and he had this long term girlfriend in ireland. long story short they are now happily married, and he's a very nice guy. sometimes people find themselves in complicated situations that my not make sense to other people. and since right now this is all speculative you shouldn't necessarily rule him out.

i agree with blubirde, you should just straight up ask him about it and see how he responds. if he beats around the bush in a lawyery way then he's a cad, but he could also have a very good explanation.

Mandy · Kate Spade

omg, i can relate. i was in the same situation. be careful. im also a paralegal and got involved at an associate at our firm. there were a hundred reasons to not pursue things with him (working together, he had an on-again off-again gf) but im stupid and liked him and couldn't help it. we started out emailing and using msn messenger all day then getting drinks after work. i fell for him, hard. i insisted he end things with gf once and for all and move out (they still lived together). he did and things were great but other things went wrong and it was really bad timing for us. i got hurt, but honestly don't regret it. there were plenty of good times and laughs to offset the heartache i went through.

so i realize thats sort of mixed advice but i would proceed with caution. ask about the gf situation. i don't need to tell you that attorneys can be real assholes. unfortunately, you can't just turn your feelings off just because its a bad idea. you either ignore them or act on them.

blink · Coach

you like him and are obviously enchanted by him, so this is a tough one. he has a girlfriend, therefore you know it's wrong for him to flirt with you, but since you do like him, you want to kind of deny it and label it as friendliness, but it is not so innocent. It sounds like he digs you, but he's likely unavailable, so whatever he has to give you is less than you deserve, and it's less about you than it is about stroking his own ego.

I say, boldly but kindly, tell him you think he's great, but ask him if he has a girlfriend and tell him that if he does he needs to quit flirting! But he needs to treat you respectfully, not mislead you, because if he has a girlfriend, his flirting is just reckless self-gratification.