STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

kenzie · Chanel

am i being unreasonable? ~UPDATED with a big WTF?!~

HeatherLynn · Gucci

RE: am i being unreasonable?

Boots · Gucci

I've got to agree with HeatherLynn here. It's one thing to ask your SO not to be friends with her, but you might come off as kind of controlling and paranoid if you try to tell his brother who he can be friends with. And I'm betting that's exactly what she wants people to think about you too.

You're letting her have way too much control over you. Just because she is trying to have something to do with your life, doesn't mean that you have to waste your energy on her. Concentrate on your SO and your relationship with him. As it strengthens, she will just be this annoying fly buzzing around your amazing life.

kenzie · Chanel

Thanks, ladies. I just wish she'd go away. This isn't the first instance of her trying to creep back into his life (although, this is the most indirect way she's done it so far).

SO says I shouldn't worry, he doesn't think about her and that he's getting a new job and we're moving to California as soon as we can (but "soon" is all relative since the economy still is in the crapper). But she just bothers me (which I think is totally normal given the circumstances).

HeatherLynn, thanks! I have a ton more pictures to post, too. I'm only up to day 2 (5 more days to go!).

Kelly · Hermes

I agree with the other ladies. I COMPLETELY understand why this bugs you, but I think it's normal for coworkers to be facebook friends and if his brother doesn't know the history, she's nothing more than a coworker to him. And if he unfriends her as a favor to you, things might become awkward at work between them. And they DO have to work together, so I'm guessing he wouldn't like to piss her off.

Also, remember that she's friends with his brother, not with him. I don't know about you, but no one could learn very much about my family or their lives from my facebook page.

gossipgirl · Dooney & Bourke

I TOTALLY hear what you are saying, but it could backfire and make you look like a biatch.

I would check your settings and your SO settings to make sure there are no "friends of friends" viewing on pix or posts. But that's just me

Elle · Hermes

gossipgirl wrote:

I TOTALLY hear what you are saying, but it could backfire and make you look like a biatch.

I would check your settings and your SO settings to make sure there are no "friends of friends" viewing on pix or posts. But that's just me

I think this is a good possible compromise, ensuring no 'friends of friends' can view BF's FB page. Maybe BF would be open to changing his settings, if they aren't already set that way? Might be worth asking, anyhow, because at this point I'd want to do every little thing I could to stick it to her for being such a ..... well, I don't even know what to call her. Would he be willing to humour you or does he think it's not a big deal?

Kelly · Hermes

Elle wrote:

Would he be willing to humour you or does he think it's not a big deal?

Honestly, with everything you guys have been through, I would be pretty pissed if he didn't want to do that because he thought it wasn't a "big deal." I mean, from what I remember of the situation, he kind of lost the right to be unwilling to "humor" you with something like this.

Elle · Hermes

Kelly wrote:

Elle wrote:

Would he be willing to humour you or does he think it's not a big deal?

Honestly, with everything you guys have been through, I would be pretty pissed if he didn't want to do that because he thought it wasn't a "big deal." I mean, from what I remember of the situation, he kind of lost the right to be unwilling to "humor" you with something like this.

True, but I think approaching it in an undemanding sort of way can keep it from turning into an unnecessary shit storm. Even if he felt uncomfortable with her being able to see his FB page via his brother's page and thought it best to limit who can see his profile, being told that he must do those things or else would likely put him (or anyone for that matter) on the defensive. Counterproductive, in more ways than one.

kenzie · Chanel

Thanks again!

RE: changing his settings. I think they already are set to that because he hates people being all up in his business, but I'll double check. He really won't care if I suggest he do that and I'm sure he'll be more than willing to comply.

joy0302 · Kate Spade

I have been in a similar situation so I completely understand where you are coming from. I can see why you would be annoyed that this witch keeps coming into your life. I do have to agree with the others though. Since his brother doesn't know and they work together I would let it go. Hopefully she is just friending him for the simple fact that they are coworkers and not to get info on your SO.

Kelly · Hermes

Elle wrote:

Kelly wrote:

Elle wrote:

Would he be willing to humour you or does he think it's not a big deal?

Honestly, with everything you guys have been through, I would be pretty pissed if he didn't want to do that because he thought it wasn't a "big deal." I mean, from what I remember of the situation, he kind of lost the right to be unwilling to "humor" you with something like this.

True, but I think approaching it in an undemanding sort of way can keep it from turning into an unnecessary shit storm. Even if he felt uncomfortable with her being able to see his FB page via his brother's page and thought it best to limit who can see his profile, being told that he must do those things or else would likely put him (or anyone for that matter) on the defensive. Counterproductive, in more ways than one.

True, I don't think being demanding would make the situation better for anyone. I'm just saying, if she said "can you pretty please change your settings?" and he said "no I don't know why this bothers you" well, then I think she would have a right to be ticked

kenzie · Chanel

joy0302 wrote:

I have been in a similar situation so I completely understand where you are coming from. I can see why you would be annoyed that this witch keeps coming into your life. I do have to agree with the others though. Since his brother doesn't know and they work together I would let it go. Hopefully she is just friending him for the simple fact that they are coworkers and not to get info on your SO.

I'm pretty sure based on her past behavior of stalking us that she's not friending him just because they're coworkers (and really, why on earth would she want to? I know I wouldn't want to be friends with someone's brother in this kind of situation.). There are definitely ulterior motives there, but whatever. I don't want to cause a big scene with SO's brother. But yeah, this witch needs to go away. I'm tired of her.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

RE: am i being unreasonable? ~UPDATED with a big WTF?!~

joy0302 · Kate Spade

Kenzie-If you feel that there are ulterior motives chances are you are 100% correct. I think we always have an instinct when other girls are trying to get our guy!

kenzie · Chanel

I don't know where my update went. I thought I posted it but maybe not. But here it is now:

I had uploaded bunch of our vacation pictures to Flickr and I thought I had switched most of the ones with us in them so only friends and family could see. I must not have and she found my FLickr page (probably via my blog because I'm pretty sure she reads this in stalkerlicious proportions based on my Google Analytics finds) and get this- added a picture I took of SO as a favorite! OMG! For real. WTF??? I know it's her. Her first name is her user name and there are pictures of her in her contacts' accounts (she doesn't actually have any pictures of her own uploaded, or at least, I can't see them). But, OMG. How weird is that????

-- Edited by kenzie on Monday 5th of April 2010 08:48:32 PM

itsapinkthing · Coach

Ok I was going to stay out of this but here goes....

I think unfortunately LOTS of girls are like this. and it's getting to you because your doing the same thing to her. All of this and how much responsibility in you SO taking? Your stressing out and so how she's lingering there...I think by doing nothing, or acting like he has no control over her he's basically provoking this behavior. It's got to be flattering to him KWIM?
Just my 2 cents.

eta: sorry for the typos, my netbook keyboard is acting really freaky

-- Edited by itsapinkthing on Monday 5th of April 2010 09:50:45 PM

kenzie · Chanel

^Hmmm...I'm not sure I understand what you're saying about me doing the same thing to her. I'm not stalking her- I just happened to see something in my newsfeed and then she added a picture as a favorite (using her real name with obvious pictures so it's clearly her). There is no way in hell that I'm doing to her what she's doing to me. She's the outsider here, not me. I have every right upload pictures of MY SO and to be friends with his family on Facebook.

My SO took full blame for this insanity. He's been ignoring her and I've been ignoring her activities as well. I didn't even block her from my Flickr account or from the picture because I'm pretty sure even a negative reaction would be seen as a positive in her stalkerlicious mind. I don't think SO giving her attention (even to tell her to leave us alone) is going to help. I know this because he already tried that and it backfired. Badly. I don't want him to talk to her at all at this point because she is clearly desperate for any kind of attention, whether positive or negative.

And I'm not saying you specifically, itsapinkthing, just in general- I know there are people out there who think he's a lying scumbag without even knowing the full story and that she's the innocent victim, but seriously? If the roles were reversed and a guy was pulling this kind of behavior with a female coworker, he'd be accused of sexual harassment. Why is it so difficult for people to believe that a guy really does want it to stop and he really does want her to leave us alone? And why is it hard to believe that a guy could be sorry that he messed up and just wants to move on and forget about it (he's very, very, very non-confrontational by nature)? Just saying.

-- Edited by kenzie on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 07:35:50 AM

-- Edited by kenzie on Tuesday 6th of April 2010 07:47:13 AM

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

kenzie wrote:
If the roles were reversed and a guy was pulling this kind of behavior with a female coworker, he'd be accused of sexual harassment.

Excellent point. Is there any way his HR can get involved? Or maybe he can transfer offices or get a different job? It seems like this is going to take a large toll on the relationship. I'd want him to get out of the situation as quickly as possible and I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to contact him if you do move.

kenzie · Chanel

XtinaStyles wrote:

kenzie wrote:
If the roles were reversed and a guy was pulling this kind of behavior with a female coworker, he'd be accused of sexual harassment.

Excellent point. Is there any way his HR can get involved? Or maybe he can transfer offices or get a different job? It seems like this is going to take a large toll on the relationship. I'd want him to get out of the situation as quickly as possible and I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to contact him if you do move.

About the HR department- I used to work at that place. They are useless. It's one guy who can't keep his mouth shut and as soon as someone leaves his office from a confidential discussion, he spreads it around like the hottest gossip. If he wasn't such a dipsh*t, I'd say, yeah, go to HR but...that could just make it worse. Maybe. If it keeps escalating, though, I'm not sure he'll have a choice but to go to HR.

Getting another job would be great. But of course, easier said than done. Plus, he's doing really well at that company (tons of promotions, raises, etc), so it's hard to walk away from that (especially in this economy). They have given him another promotion where he won't have to be in the office as much- he'll be traveling during the day to their branches to train and do openings. Moving to a different department wouldn't work because the company is so small that even if he moves to a different department, that wouldn't matter. Initially, they were going to transfer him to manage the Philly location but they decided at the last minute that they want him to do something else instead.

But he's started looking for something else. It's to the point where he has to. It's just going to be sort of difficult for him, I think.

I think she'll still try to contact him and will continue to stalk us even if we move. But hopefully, the move will be to San Diego and it will be pretty hard for her to do anything from 3000 miles away. Of course, I think she's crazy enough to follow us across the country.