STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I got my first serious bf when I was a sophomore in college (2.5 years so far).  However, I almost lost him (he liked me, I said no, he sort of moved on, I came back, he chose me) and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had let him slip by.  I probably wouldn't have met anyone else, though its hard to say.  I'm very picky.   Most people that I encounter and I am attracted to- I don't want to date long-term, for me to want to do that, it has to be fairly apparent that we're both into each other and *could* fall in love, too often I see girls or guys expecting to fall in love with who they're dating when it's just not there.  They have to feel sort of like a "soul-mate", whatever that means, even if they're not who I end up with.  I know girls who go from long term relationship to long term relationship, and often they *also* need counseling because they don't know how to be alone- I had a friend who had never spent 2 weeks without a boyfriend since she was 16!  Somehow, she goes out "boyfriend searching" and finds one- but she is more open to anything and would date guys i would NEVER consider (not bad guys, but I want an AMAZING guy, smart, charming, cute, funny- and they have to have it ALL- if i have it, why can't they??)  She is all those things, and then some, but she doesn't need it in a guy she dates.  She is comfortable being the center of attention and basically just choosing guys that worship her somewhat and aren't really at her level.  Me, I want more.  I agree somewhat that long term relationships teach you a lot and you might make more mistakes with the "right guy" then you would if you had other experiences, but you can't change your past.  If you don't think you have commitment issues, don't sweat it.  You just haven't met the right person.  Just keep dating and getting to know guys, even just as friends.  I was a strong proponent in knowing instantly if I wanted to be with a guy, but when I met my current bf, I saw him just as a friend that I was intensely curious about.  So people can grow on you, A LOT, if you give them a chance to show what kind of a person they are.     

first of all, who doesn't have issues? and usually it's our parents that create the issues so if anything your mom is probably making any issues you have worse.  she's probably not doing it on purpose but her flying off the handle over the m thing is ridiculous, imo.  whose mother is she?  yours or m's? why the heck does she care about m's crush on guy when obviously if guy has a crush on anyone it's you and not m?  shouldn't your mom be happy about this?  so why did a story about meeting someone you actually liked turn into an attack on your alleged issues?  obviously she's your mom and she's got your best interests at heart but imo, she's really not being constructive at all.

and besides that, i don't think you have any commitment problems.  while i don't know you super-well, we've talked enough for me to say w/o a doubt that the things you're looking for in a guy are totally legitimate.  remember when we were talking about what we wanted in a guy?  and you said what you wanted and i said what i wanted?  i think anyone listening to that convo would've for sure thought you were the reasonable one and i was the idealistic one so if anyone has commitment issues it's me and personally i don't think i have them!   

omg, AJ, u r so not out of the ordinary!!  i'll be 24 in august & my longest relationship has been approx. 6 months... and 3 of those months we were seperated by 300 miles during summer break (this was freshman - sophomore year of college).  since then i've had an even worse track record not being able to maintain a relationship longer than a month with the exception of my last relationship of 4 months (which he planned on ending the whole time so he could go screw college chicks).  i don't see it as weird, i see it as not wasting anyone's time.  i'm not the kinda girl who has to be in a relationship to feel validated (not that girls who have multiple LTRs are, maybe they are just easier to get along w/, lucky, whatever... so not trying to offend anyone here ), so i don't mind being single for months at a time.  also, once i know a guy is not marriage material (could be something as simple as he only wants one kid & i want two but usually it's more like i've seen how he treats his mom & i didn't like it, or he doesn't support me in my religion) i just lose all interest & feel like it's a complete waste of time to keep dating.  i think our way of doing this is totally practical & works for us so keep doing it girl!  and don't let ur mom get u down, it's ur life & ur the one who's gonna have to be married to whomever u choose so take ur time & don't waste time w/ someone just to prove a point!

shopgirl82 wrote:

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  all i can say is cheers to you girls!!  at least you were courageous enough to leave a guy that wasn't right for you, instead of sticking with a guy just to have a bf.  i see it too many times!  be picky.  as cher says in clueless:  "you see how picky i am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet..." hehehe.  sometimes i think that movie should be the bible!

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hahaha, that is one of cher's best lines! 

alright AJ, if you have commitment issues, then so do i!  i am soon to be 24 and my longest relationship lasted 8 months- although we were "involved" for much longer (but that doesn't count).  sometimes, i wonder why most of my friends have had several long term relationships and i can never seem to make mine last.  of course if you think about it like that, it seems like they have something you don't.  sometimes i get depressed because it seems like i'm terminally single.  but whenever i get really down on myself, i try to remember that i would rather have fun on my own than deal with a dysfunctional relationship.  (and trust me, i've witnessed many many friends cling onto hopeless or unhappy relationships- and i always wonder, "WHY??  we're too young for that kind of grief!") 

my point is, i'm proud that i refuse to settle for somebody who doesn't make me happy just for the sake of being in a relationship.  i really feel like i am stronger and more independent than some of my friends who are serial monogamists (not all, but some!  everybody is different, i'm not trying to hate on those on this board who are in relationships!).

hang in there, your mom probably didn't realize how harsh her comments were or how much they hurt.  you do not have issues- you know what you want and won't settle for less.  and that's admirable.  good luck, fellow single sister!

I think you are fine just the way you are.  I wouldn't worry about the number or lengths of your relationships and I certainly don't think you need counseling.  If you are 40 and in a 10 year engagement then I'd push counseling on you!

I've known many people that don't have a single bf until they are in their early 20s and they are perfectly fine and normal.  Most of them were just waiting for the right guy to come along and just didn't want to waste time on silly boys.  Keep going and the right guy will find you.

Girl, live your life for YOU and not for your mother or for anyone else who thinks they have to give an opinion on how you do things.   If you haven't settled down with anyone for a while, it's obviously because they are not worth your precious time and you are better off.