STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Grace · Dooney & Bourke

Who pays?

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

well, i tend to offer right away because i hate sitting there staring at the check together, but i expect them to turn me down. generally no guy has let me pay for anything on the first few dates. i wish it didn't make me feel uncomfortable to not offer, but it does.

Karina · Chanel

honestly, i never do. lol ill start paying or chipping in when we are serious.

bex · Chanel

i always offer or do the "going to get in my bag" move... but he always says "no no i'll take care of it"...

blubirde · Chanel

I always offer to pay also. If he asked me out and it's one of our first few dates, I expect him to pay. If I asked him out, I expect to pay. However after we've been out a few times I'll insist on chipping in or paying outright. I will allow a man to pay for me only at the very, very beginning. That's it though. After that we can switch back and forth or go dutch. Frankly, I can afford to pay my own way and I don't like feeling like I "owe" him anything. He's not going to walk away from dinner thinking he's getting something else all because he paid for dinner and then potentially get pissy when he doesn't get it. If he's going to get something other than the pleasure of my company, it's going to happen because I want it to and I, in no way, want him to think money had anything to do with it. Is that weird? It's just been my experience that the more you let a man pay, the more entitled they feel and I'm not big on that. But at first, I think it's okay if he asks me out.

splash · Kenneth Cole

I usually reach for my bag, and that's enough to make him say not to. But the official etiquette is that whoever invites also pays.

But really, I think a guy who doesn't pay for the first few dates at least is a little questionable.. But then, I also would wait and wait for a guy to ask me out and initiate the next few dates, with maybe a little hinting, so I'm not a great example..

-- Edited by splash at 12:42, 2005-06-17

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I usually do the reach for my bag thing, and I'd say 95% of the time, the guy will say, "no, no, let me get that." Or, they whip out their card/money so fast I never even have a chance to glance at my bag. But if I go out with someone who's a student (grad student), then I definitely offer to pay. And usually insist on at least paying some. To me, it depends on whether the guy can afford it. If I don't feel like he can, I don't want going on a date to be a hardship for him. I've never really felt that anyone has expected anything after paying for me. I'm usually pretty up front with the fact that they shouldn't be expecting much. So it's not like they get false hopes.

In general, though, I feel the man should at least offer.

Maddie · Coach

I'm completely with blubirde. Not even because they necessarily expect something (although they often do), but because I just like to take care of my shit.

crystal · Kate Spade

hmm, i usually don't even offer to pay til we are serious. i don't really ask guys out tho & if i do i bring money incase he lets me pay, but usually even tho i offer in that case they still pay. i always am sure to say "thank you" tho & don't just let it go by like i don't appreciate it. when i was in college i offered to pay a lot more often, but then i dated this guy who had tons of money & wouldn't even let me pay on his b-day (i still did cuz i gave my card to the waitress on my way to the "bathroom") & he said "i make more than you, so why should u pay". i thought that was pretty logical so now if i date guys who make more than me (which is often) i generally let them pay most of the time (except bdays & such).

i have gotten "talked to" about it tho by a guy i once dated who made about the same as me. we had only been dating about a month & he'd already downgraded to fast food instead of the nice restaurants he took me to at first & then one day he's like "do u think u can split w/ me sometimes?". i was actually a little miffed cuz he spent $200 on sneakers regularly which could have easily paid for a couple meals. i still agreed tho & bit my tongue.

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

bluebirde put it better than i did initially -- basically i like taking care of my own self because i can, and i don't want anyone to get any ideas. also, if i'm on a date and i realize i'm not into the guy, i insist on splitting the check. but if i'm seeing someone and it get serious then i fully expect to share things eventually. my BF now, for instance, makes half as much as i do, and i know he wishes he could pay more but it's not fair to him for that to happen.

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

bex wrote:

i always offer or do the "going to get in my bag" move... but he always says "no no i'll take care of it"...

this is perfect, so the girl doesn't look like she has an entitlement complex and the guy looks like a gentleman. brava, bex!

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

i offer sometimes, depending on the situation. the old "reach for the bag" trick. but if a guy lets me pay, especially on one of the first few dates, then he probably won't be seeing me again! and if a guy expects something just because he bought me dinner, then too bad for him because he'll be going home disappointed. but i've never experienced that from a guy before (i guess i've been lucky) or felt like i had to hook up with a guy just because he paid for our date.

i can probably count the number of times i've paid/split the bill on a date on one hand... am i a brat??

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

sfcaligirl, you are not a brat at all! you've just had good luck

blubirde · Chanel

sfcaligirl wrote:

i offer sometimes, depending on the situation. the old "reach for the bag" trick. but if a guy lets me pay, especially on one of the first few dates, then he probably won't be seeing me again! and if a guy expects something just because he bought me dinner, then too bad for him because he'll be going home disappointed. but i've never experienced that from a guy before (i guess i've been lucky) or felt like i had to hook up with a guy just because he paid for our date. i can probably count the number of times i've paid/split the bill on a date on one hand... am i a brat??

oh, don't get me wrong sfcaligirl, i've never felt like i had to hook up with someone because they paid for a date. i just don't like OWING anyone anything. i don't need anyone to pay for me and at least we're all clear on any kind of motivations when the check is split evenly, ya know? and yeah, i think you're lucky like esquiress said. i think some guys definitely feel they deserve some nookie if they picked up the lobster dinner and bottle of wine. i just try to avoid that situation at all costs. but for first date? if he asked me out? then, yeah, he should pay. same for me if i ask out though. unless i totally don't like the guy. then i've got my wallet out before the meal is even through. i'm not waiting around for that discussion fo' sure!

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

I agree with sfcaligirl. I rarely ever offer and if I do and he lets me pay its kind of a turn off. I guess i'm a little old fashioned when it comes to dating but thats what i'm used to. I have no problem paying after we are serious but before then, he can forget it.