STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I have two views on this...

#1 - A long time ago, I dated a guy with a kid.  I broke it off with him because there was big time "baby mama drama" and also I wasn't ready to be someone's "stepmom".  If you are not ready for children or like children, I wouldn't go this route.

#2 - I know as a mother now, I would have a bit of an issue if Vin started dating other people if him and I ever split up, and him bringing other women in front of my children. 

Just my two cents...

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

#1 cause of the end of marriage #1

I thought I'd "keep an open mind" too - and I know I kept running across guys who had gotten girlfriends pregnant when they were younger so they married the mom, etc etc - 100s of stories, all the same. Then they had another baby, yada yada. This happened so much I just went - gosh, these are great guys, and you know, they were. I have dated bunches of guys with kids and thought it would be different this time - let me tell you - WRONG. Always the same. I know different people have different views but let me give my 2 cents:

1) baby mamma as karina said. No matter how good of a relationship they have with the ex, you still have to deal with it. He still has to see her, he still has to be civil to her, it's just not good. Now that I'm in a relationship with someone without that drama, I can't imagine having to deal with him having to deal with any ex's - I am a person that isn't friends with people I date - there is a reason for that. Our relationship didn't work out, it's over. I don't want to be friends, I don't want to chat with them, I don't want to see them. Kids make this impossible no matter what.

2) child support - and don't tell me - "even after child support he makes more money than anyone else i've dated, so I can live with that" - after you marry him, you are going to resent the $200, $400, $800, $1500, $2000, whatever the hell it is that he pays her for those kids. I know kids cost a lot, I know it doesn't cover their expenses, yada yada so please ladies who get child support don't start with me. If you can get over it, you are a better person than me. Period. That's money I could be buying clothes / shoes with or have a bigger house, or I could drive a Jag with that money, whatever.

3) discipline - I actually helped my ex go to court to fight the mom for custody and WON!! YAY! So then they lived with me, I tried to implement discipline as I would with "my own kids" (btw, I referred to them that way & treated them that way in all aspects, I was a kick ass stepmom). The minute I would not be home, all rules were gone, all discipline was gone, all punishment for serious things such as 14 yr old stealing my new car in the middle of the night, 15 yr old telling his dad "F**k you" - things like that, well, not punished if I wasn't home. We would agree on punishment - example, can't go ANYWHERE for 2 weeks. I'd be at work, he would call me with the kids sitting there & say "he just wants to go to a movie" - HELLO - I would have never anticipated any such troubles. I eventually got to the point of you know what? The mom isn't disciplining them, my husband didn't care, I was trying to make them better people & build some character, all to no avail. So what's the point. SIDENOTE, 1 1/2 years after I left, son got kicked out of school for having vodka & pot in his car in the school parking lot, daughter eventually got expelled from school & I have no idea why, but had to be pretty bad, right? So 2 drop outs, and we were middle / upper class, good schools, good community people. Not in a typical area where this is the norm. My point being that when you let teenagers do what they want, they will stray, that's all I was trying to avoid.

4) priority - You aren't his first priority. I think even when 2 people are married & have children together, your spouse should be your priority. If those are "your" kids, you can do this in a healthy balance. If they aren't, the man thinks he's being selfish, and seriously, do you want to date some guy who will put his new girlfriend ahead of his kids? I didn't. But that meant me being put on the back burner & quite frankly, that's not where I wanted to be.

I could go on & on, but I won't. But I think you can see I feel strongly about it. I honestly think it's one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life & I wish I had just said "no" to any guys with kids. I must reiterate, I had serious relationships with guys with kids before, too, this is not just an isolated incident, and those similar issues repeated themselves each time. Damn me for being blinded by "love" that I didn't see that it would always be that way - DUH. Now my current DH & I have none of that drama & it's so much better, I can't even begin to tell you.

Maybe since I grew up in a single parent home, I have a different perspective on dating people with kids.  I've always understood that when it came to men, my mom was a package that included two kids.  You either took the whole package or nothing at all.  I know how my mom felt about certain issues being in that situation.  So as I've gotten older and realized that more and more of the guys in my dating pool have kids, I've approached dating them with that in mind. 

I've been 'exclusive' with two guys who each had two kids and honestly, the only difficulty I had was finding the right role with the kids.  I didn't want to be their mom (they had one) but I couldn't exactly be their friend so I was kind of in limbo.  Somehow we all managed to find a good balance. 

Of coure there was baby mama drama but I distanced myself from it as much as I could.  I was super secure in myself and in my relationship so it didn't bother me when my boyfriend talked to his ex or whatever.  It wasn't about me at all, it was just something he had to do for his kids sake and I completely supported him and the kids. 

I don't think the whole "he loves his kids more than me" thing is true at all.  Love for your kids is different than love for your significant other.  I wasn't exactly in love with either of the guys I was with but I knew without a doubt in both relationships if love was to come into the picture the guy would love me as much as a girlfriend could be loved.  His love for me wouldn't lessen his love for his kids in any way or vice versa. 

As far as the kids coming before me, it was never constant.  It's a real strain on the parent to find the right balance and basically, you win some you lose some.  Really, it's something you have to deal with in every relationship, kids or no.  Sometimes work/friends/family/some random activity is going to come before the girlfriend.  You have to realize your significant other's life doesn't revolve around you and that he's got things going on in his life that don't involve you.  Put your big girl panties on and deal with it, haha.

Whew, anyway!  Like I said, I've been on both sides of the fence.  Sort of.  It takes a lot of understanding, putting things into perspective, and patience.  But what relationship doesnt?   I think, from what you said Andrea, that you shouldn't completely rule out men with kids.  I mean, if a guy seems pretty great but the only thing holding you back is his child, go after it anyway.  You never really know how you'll react in a situation until you're actually IN the situation, you know?  At any rate, would you want a great guy skipping over a great girl like yourself just because you had a child?          

I've been wondering about this myself lately, AJ. I used to say that absolutely, no way will I ever date a guy with kids. And I haven't yet. There was this one guy a few months ago who kinda sprang it on me that he had kids and I said it was cool with me but it wasn't. I did the really mature thing and completely avoided his calls, without even giving him a reason why. I'm slightly ashamed but I guess I wasn't ready to be in that situation. But recently there's a guy who has two kids (2!) - a friend of a friend. Ordinarily I'd be running away screaming but he talks about them so openly and he's so nice that I've been considering it. Half the time I think I should run away screaming but the other half the time I think I should grow up, that as I get older I'm going to run into this situation more and more. Ugh. It's tricky. I don't know the answer anymore than you do! For me I think I'll just wait and see. We're hanging out on Friday so who knows? Maybe I'll hate him. I guess I won't worry about it until I have to. (My usual rationale!)

I never had until this last guy I dated.  It was an exception, definitely not the norm.  I made an exception because honestly, I couldn't find anything else wrong with him (not that there is anything wrong with having kids but let's face it, having kids adds baggage especially when you yourself have none).  And I must say it really wasn't a problem.  I never did meet them because he was very protective of them meeting women he dates, and I agree.  I stopped seeing him before we got to that point.  But it was working better than I thought.  
He saw them every other weekend and was very open about it.  He is very dedicated to them and loves them so, so much.  It was great to hear him talk about them and see that part of him actually. 
I do think that it's a big compromise and you have to weigh the pros and cons.  In this case I decided it was worth it but I don't know that I'd do that again for just anyone.  He has a good relationship with his ex.  She's actually sensible and so is he and that makes a huge difference, IMO.  
You have to decide whether there are sufficient great qualities about this person that make it worth your while to tolerate being second-best to his child/children.  My two cents...

hmmmm.... i've never thought about this before, probably because i've never been faced with this dilemma.  right now, i would have to say no- i'm a little young to get involved with somebody who already has kids.  i absolutely adore kids but i don't feel ready to take on the role of their daddy's girlfriend/potential stepmom.  but in a few years, who knows?  never say never i guess....