STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

janey831 · Kate Spade

friends with your ex

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

janey, i am sorry this has been so hard for you. this sounds like a really difficult breakup, and it's really understandable why it was so hard. this breakup has really been stretched out for the past year. i promise you, you will not always feel this bad, but it will take some hard work.

from my experience i have found it is better to not try to be friends in this kind of situation. you can only be real friends when you are both over the romantic aspect of your relationship, and from what you said, you are not there yet. it also sounds as though he's jerking your chain, perhaps unintentionally, but being in touch with your ex this way leaves you open to lots and lots of opportunities for painful interactions like this one. and you won't be able to get past this unless you are not seeing and talking with him all the time. i know it is so painful to cut a person out of your life, but for your own sake, you should cut off all contact with your ex for the time being. you need time and the opportunity to heal, and so far you haven't had that.

this may sound harsh, but i truly believe it's the only way. one metaphor is to think of this like pulling off a band aid -- you can do it a little at a time, or just *do* it. it hurts but it's better to do it all at once as opposed to slowly doing it, and thereby causing yourself more pain.

you may be able to be friends with him someday, real friends who can talk about their love lives without feeling sad or hurt, but for the time being focus on taking care of yourself. make yourself and getting over this breakup your focus, not the feelings you have about wanting your ex to remain a part of your life. time will tell you what you are ready for. i hope this has helped. :hugs:

crystal · Kate Spade

the way i see it, i don't think it's a good idea to be friends w/ an ex (unless u really have no interest in ever dating them again & u don't know why u did to begin w/- my personal experience!). cuz for me, i wouldn't want someone i date to be "best friends" or even spend any time w/ their ex so i don't do it either. even tho u might not be dating anyone right now, what r u gonna do, not be friends w/ ur ex when u do start dating someone? no, so it's best to just not be friends w/ him at all. spend more time w/ ur other friends, cultivate those relationships so that you can talk to those people & don't even think about ur ex. also, if u aren't genuinely happy for him when he dates other women, u are not over him & should not try to be "friends". good luck!

splash · Kenneth Cole

For me, I think that if I date someone, they're the type of person I would enjoy being friends with - otherwise why would I date them? That said, I think that it only works to be friends with an ex if you are okay with hearing about their dating life. For me, there was one guy where it took a few times of hearing about his dates (it hurt at first!) before I was able to let go and enjoy hearing the stories. I think you need to decide whether you can get to that point, or whether, even if you don't talk to him for a while again, you'll still have trouble hearing about that stuff. I'm not sure what to make of him telling you such confusing things about his date - it could be testing you, it could be real indecision

ETA: I know I'm the minority on this, but I think there's something to be said for continuing to talk to the guy. To use the bandaid metaphor, I think that the best way to relearn your relationship - for example, to learn to be okay hearing about his dates - is to let it be painful a few times, and then it'll become normal. It depends, of course, whether that pain is worth continuing to interact with him rather than taking a break or ending the relationship entirely.
I say this because the first guy I really fell for and I were friends for a while before dating, and when dating didn't work we ended up totally severing our connection. He was such an important influence on me and such a wonderful friend that I was devasted more by the loss of him as a person much more than I would have been simply by the loss of the romantic relationship.

-- Edited by splash at 22:56, 2005-06-08

Andrea Julia · Coach

Ouch! This friendship sounds painful! Maybe you should take a break from this friendship until you are sure you can hear him tell you anything about his new dates and girlfriends without being hurt. Any ex that I am friends with, there was a time after we dated that we didn't talk at all. We kind of got back in touch a year or more later.

blubirde · Chanel

The true test of a male/female relationship is whether or not you can talk about your love lives with the other. If you can't, there's something else going on. In some cases you can continue to be friends and work through the issues as you go along. In the case of an ex, I think you can't be friends until you come to terms with everything that happened and are completely over the other person. Everyone goes through stages of a break up. They think they are over the other person, but they're not. The true test is when hearing about his dating escapades cause you no pain whatsoever. It doesn't sound like you're there yet, and you may never be. And that's okay too. Some people are too much a part of our hearts to not be painful to us. I think you should do like the other girls said - take some time off from him.

I truly believe exes can be friends. I am friends with almost all the guys I've dated. Some of them I don't mind hearing about their dates and some of them I do. But none of them hurt me to hear about them.

For your own sake, like scarlett said, I'd say step away from him until you're certain that friendship is the only thing between the two of you. The bandaid analogy is a good one.

And if you're depressed, you can always vent here. God knows we do it enough!!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

oh janey, i'm so sorry. i've been there and i remember so maybe i can share my story and hopefully it will help a little:

I first met C in college, senior year. He was my first love and we went out for 2 years. In all my life, I have never felt the kind of sadness that haunted me the year after we broke up. It was so consuming, like I'd think I'd be fine and then a memory would pop into my head and in a matter of seconds i'd have to fight back the tears. Anyway, he left to take a trip around the world and came back a year later, wanting to be "friends." At that point I wasn't completely over him but I was getting there. I told him that I didn't know how to be his friend, only his girlfriend, that I didn't know how not to cuddle w/ him, how not to kiss him, how not to hold his hand and "just friends" don't get to do any of that. So while our friendship was a huge part of our relationship, I couldn't just separate my "friend" feelings from my "girlfriend" feelings, they were part and parcel, an all or nothing kinda deal. So we weren't friends. He called a couple of times, to wish me happy birthday, things like that but I never picked up. Not too long ago I got a letter from him that was really very sweet but the sweetest thing of all is that when I read the letter I felt flattered and appreciated but my heart didn't pound and it was just so nice to know that I was at peace w/ the whole thing.

I always say the biggest miracle of all is to fall in love, that there is truly nothing like it. But the second biggest miracle is to fall out of love, to see the skies part and to just be able to breathe again.

janey, I promise you one day this won't hurt, one day you'll be better. it's kind of a slow but sudden process. and you have to work at it, if you're like me and you can't separate out your friend feelings from your girlfriend ones, don't try. Be true to yourself and your feelings and always always always watch out for your own best interests. i'm sure your ex is a great person in many ways (C was) but he's asking a lot of you and if you feel like it's just hurting too much, don't sacrifice your well being for him, or for anyone for that matter. Also in the midst of it, you will hurt regardless, you'll hurt if you talk to him, you'll hurt if you don't, so you may be tempted to talk to him because what's the difference? you're hurting anyway. Try to not give into that temptation because what you're really doing every time you talk to him is taking one step back from getting over him. There's light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to try to keep not getting sucked back into the tunnel.

good luck and please know we're here to listen, the girls on this forum are truly the most supportive group of people. hth (at least a little).

jacL · Coach

esquiress wrote:

I always say the biggest miracle of all is to fall in love, that there is truly nothing like it. But the second biggest miracle is to fall out of love, to see the skies part and to just be able to breathe again.

So true. I have never, and never will, heard anyone say it better.

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

oh my god, janey, i feel your pain! i posted about a similar situation a while ago and everyone here gave me great advice and helped me remain strong and get through a weird time when i wanted to contact my ex. here's a link to that thread, maybe you'll find something there that will help you too.

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=44784&subForumID=102176&action=viewTopic&commentID=2789681&topicPage=2

so i have to agree with the other girls- take some time away from him. you really need it. speaking from personal experience, it will be terribly difficult at first, but it will get better. i agree with crystal, cultivate your other friendships/relationships. don't be afraid to open yourself up to meeting somebody new. it's much easier to get over an ex if you have a new boy in the picture! if you're not ready for that, just keep busy- start a new hobby, volunteer, do anything to keep your mind off him.

if you decide that you're not ready to cut him out of your life right now, tell him that he needs to stop talking to you about other girls- you cannot be that kind of support system for him and it's unfair for him to expect that from you. he needs to find somebody else to unload that stuff on.

but honestly, i think in your situation it's a really bad idea to try to be his friend right now. you're not over him and it will continue to be an emotional rollercoaster. nothing will change unless you completely cut him off. trust me, i know what i'm talking about- getting off the "rollercoaster" with my ex was one of the best decisions of my life!

big hugs and good luck! let us know how everything turns out...

ETA: i just revisited my own thread about this (link above) and i noticed that you actually responded to it! so you've seen it already. but re-read it, there is some fantastic and empowering advice in there! (thanks again, ST ladies!)

-- Edited by sfcaligirl at 19:51, 2005-06-08

member · Hermes

I agree w/all the other girls' posts and say you need to take some time away from him. You just can't be friends right now - it's too hard. I can't tell you how many ex boyfriends I tried to remain friends w/after we broke up and if I could turn back time I would have never put myself through that. It took such a toll on me emotionally and it made it so much harder for me to get over them. The best thing I could have done was walk away. When you do and you get closure and get over them, you'll look back and see what a good choice it was.

Hang it there. I know it hurts right now, but I promise it will get better and easier as time passes.

janey831 · Kate Spade

i am so overwhelmed with the words of advice from all of you ladies. i got very teary eyed reading it at work, i almost started crying. i've had a chance to read all the responses and think about all of the beautiful advice you ladies have written.

sfcaligirl: i did read the old thread, and i can totally relate to you. reading the advice and everyone's personal stories about their first heartbreak and loves helped with how i have been feeling, to know that at least i'm not the only one! did you ever end up calling him? and how are you doing these days? any contact with him since that thread? also i did make it very clear to him that he is not to talk to me about who he is dating if he wants to remain friends, but right now i am in the process of evaluatiing whether or not we should have contact at all, as it only makes it harder for me to 'move on'

esquiress: what you wrote literally brought tears to my eyes!! it was so beautiful and heartfelt, and it's exactly how i feel about my ex, except you wrote it so beautifully.
"I always say the biggest miracle of all is to fall in love, that there is truly nothing like it. But the second biggest miracle is to fall out of love, to see the skies part and to just be able to breathe again. "......this was so inspiring, and it gives me a lot of hope for the future.

i know that all of you are right, that it is a good idea for me to take a break from him, because clearly i am not over him. so clear in fact, that im pretty sure he knows it too. he called me last night, drunk, and point blankly said, you love me, which is why you cant get o ver me, or something along those lines. then he called the next day and apologized for anything he might have said, which he claims to not remember. i guess our 'friendship' would be a lot easier on me if he would just admit that we are not right for eachother, in the past he has claimed that the reason why we didnt work out was because it 'just didn't work out'', but that we are very compatible. also, i've told him many times that we've always been better friends than SO's, and that getting together totally screwed that up, and he didnt agree with me, he only said who knows...he himself even admitted that we can never fully get our act together, and it seems like friendship, or this 'stalemate' relationship---in between friends and a relationship, is where we are or seem to be.

our relationship is so complicated that trying to explain it to you guys is making me confused...i don't know maybe this is all a sign that i need to cut him out of my life...whenever i feel like im ready to do that, i chicken out when i think of the possibility of NOT having him in my life at all, even as my friend. i think it was Drew who said in sfcaligirl's post of having him in your life in anyway possible--that's exactly how i feel. we did have a heart to heart once and i did tell him i didnt know if we could be friends, even though i cared so much about him, and he kind of got teary-eyed, and it was the only time i ever saw him cry. ahhhh...i dont know...i have a lot to think about. thanks for listening to me vent, i know this was long.

p.s. i never thought that i would find such a wonderful group of ladies via the internet, or a board for that matter! i know everyone says it all the time, but you ladies are truly one of a kind.

sfcaligirl · Dooney & Bourke

hi janey,

gosh... the more you tell us about your situation, the more it sounds just like mine! the drunk phone calls, the teary-eyed heart-to-hearts (i almost crumbled when my ex started crying), not being able to picture your life without him, etc. i was there. it's excrutiating.

no, i never did call my ex- that was a really good decision! it's a lot easier now to be without him, but i have had days when i desperately want to talk to him. the big turning point for me was meeting somebody else who i shared a deep connection with (this all happened right around the time of my last thread). nobody else that i had dated in the two years since my ex really meant that much to me. they were fun distractions and all good guys, but nobody meant as much to me as my ex. so every fling would inevitably fizzle out and then i'd run right back to my ex. i was starting to believe that i'd never have that same chemistry/spark/love with anybody else. now i have somebody in my life who is my best friend and means the world to me and i've fallen hard. he's made me realize that my ex isn't the be-all, end-all. it's been much easier to move on now. (i should add that this new guy and i aren't actually together now- unfortunately everything happened with us right before he moved 1500 miles away! nonetheless, we care about each other a ton, we're going to wait and see what happens, and at the very least he helped me finally get over my ex.)

lately, i've been thinking about calling my ex. i'm flying home for a visit this summer and i think that i could be ready to see him, like maybe meet for lunch or something. the ONLY reason i am considering this is because i'm pretty much over him. at this point, i honestly just want to see how he's doing and maybe think about having a casual friendship. i think i might want to test that out.

i guess this could be construed as a dangerous idea, but i really think at this point i'd be able to get out if i found myself getting drawn back into a messy relationship with him. i kind think about it like this- before i cut him out of my life, i felt like i was drowning. everything was so confusing and i was paralyzed. i couldn't help myself. now my head is finally above water and i know what i need to do to keep it there. so if i contact him or see him and it seems like there is even a remote possibility that we'll revert back to our old ways, that's it. he's cut off again.

my advice remains the same. cut him off! at least try it for a little while. it may not work for you and you may end up choosing to keep him in your life. but who knows, it might finally liberate you! right now, it sounds like your relationship with him is only a source of pain. you don't need that. you deserve better!

i'm glad that we've been able to help you. stay strong! let us know what happens...

bri · BCBG

as hard as it is, i say dont be friends.

i tried this with my ex and it just hurt me everytime we talked or spent time together bc i really still wanted to be together and so i called our friendship quits before he moved bc i knew he would probably start dating someone before me and i wouldnt be able to deal with that.

and also, when you stay friends its almost impossible to get over them, but at the same time its hard not to be since you still like them as a person. since me and my guy stopped talking ( about a month ago) its been so much better for me, dont get me wrong, i still miss him and wonder what hes up to all the time, but its not like a sad longing for him. i feel like i have peace over it now. and im totally ready to date someone new. so i think youll find you can finally get over him if you stop being his friend.

and im soo sorry he's doing this to you.