STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Miss Mabel · Kenneth Cole

Hmm. I need objective opinions

Kelly · Hermes

Even if you can't put your finger on what or why, I think the fact that you have a nagging feeling (and a feeling that doesn't sound like it's a random mood, but something that has stuck with you for quite a while) that your relationship is missing something shouldn't be ignored.

-- Edited by Kelly on Wednesday 5th of August 2009 12:53:51 PM

Boots · Gucci

I agree with Kelly. I think that your gut is trying to tell you something. I'm not saying that you should break things off with him, but maybe you should explore exactly what is missing from your relationship. Ultimately, I guess you need to ask the old "am I better with him or with out him?" question.

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

I personally don't like "wait & see" solutions, because they only waste time.
I'm in a very long happy relationship, we've been married for 7 years, feeling in-love does last for some people.

What do you mean - practically you rely more on L? Like on a handy man? Like you would on your dad? If there is no connection - it wouldn't appear all of a sudden after a long time, it can only diminish...You don't feel in love? Do you mean only intimate part? Do you care for each other? Do you feel loved? What do you have in common? Can you see your life without him? DO you see that it's better or worse? In which regard?

I think that for your life partner you need someone who is your BEST FRIEND! The
one you can confide in, the one who understands your emotions, frustrations, as well, as victories! You need to have things in common, so that you'll be able to spend time together & not be bored by each other. SOmeone who will make you laugh in 10 years as well. A man with the same or similar goals/ambitions for your future ( mutual future).

Well, that's a lot of questions....I hope it helps to sort out your frustration. GOod Luck!

Elle · Hermes

Have you talked to him about it? Not in a "I'm not sure I love you" way really, but a "I'm feeling antsy or underwhelmed or ... something I can't put my finger on. What about you?" kinda way.

My husband and I have been together for a long time, and have gone through many ebbs and flows over the years (nearly 13 now). When we were less mature, we did alot of "How are you? Fine. You? Fine.". Lather, rinse, repeat, even if something was bugging us. And I felt like you do now, alot. I finally realized that if there is one person anywhere in the entire world I should want to tell exactly what is wrong (and expect them to understand and listen), it's my partner. Now I realize your relationship is still relatively new, but we made a huge turnaround when we actually just started saying what was on our minds about things - as soon as was practical, not letting things fester - and our relationship is better now than it ever was. We don't really censor ourselves with each other, and now we have that connected feeling that I always felt was missing earlier.

My point is, is that if you start saying what you're thinking to him, one of two things will probably happen: One, he could freak out or be otherwise turned off and you'd have your answer and be able to move on. Or two, he could be open to it and be honest with you back, and you could work out exactly what's keeping you feeling 'off', and you'd have your answer to stay.

My relationship motto is now "Just say it!". It works, and once you get the hang of it, it's easy! And it usually clarifies things right quick ....

Suasoria · Chanel

In my experience only, the romance inevitably fades. When it does, the foundation that's left has to be strong. That's when things like comfort, companionship, compatibility, shared interests, etc. come in.

I used to think that for someone to be "the one," they had to inflame me with passion...for example I believed fighting meant we were violently, irreparably in love. Thank god I'm smarter now. My husband drives me up a wall sometimes but at least we communicate and fight like adults.

The relationship prior to DH that was so very fiery, destructive, and all-consuming - that guy and I are both going on 15 years with our respective spouses. So that's a happy ending.

Miss Mabel · Kenneth Cole

Thanks for the responses, everyone.

Yana, those are all really good questions. Some I have thought about, some I haven't. We definitely have the same vision for our future; we want the same kind of lifestyle, which is something it has been really difficult for me to find in other guys. We do care for each other. I feel very loved by him. In some ways, I can't see my life without him, and in other ways I can. In terms of feeling "in love" it is just that I don't have that feeling of ... contentment? maybe. Like when you come home at night and your boyfriend hugs you and even if you had a crap day it somehow sort've doesn't matter, or when you see your boyfriend and have a moment where you realize how much you love him. I don't have those little moments, I guess. Hard to explain.

Elle, I have talked to him about it. And I've actually said pretty much everything I posted here.

So maybe I've been too honest. He says he doesn't feel the same way. He says for him the giddy in love stage has passed, but he still has moments of feeling that way, like when he hasn't seen me for a few days or whatever. He has been really patient with my feelings, and continues to be, even in the midst of our current situation, which definitely feels like it's heading toward a split.

I guess my biggest struggle is that in my head, logically, he is exactly what I want, but my emotions are taking longer to catch up (or maybe may not ever catch up).

Elle · Hermes

Well good for you for being honest about things! Always a step in the right direction IMO .

I think the expectation that we're always supposed to feel 'in love' is a horrifying one to have. Romance is really just an illusion, the excitement of which is magnified by the mysteries of this other person that you don't yet really know.

Inevitably you do really get to know that person and the mystery is gone, and with it alot of that titilating 'romance'. The hormones your brain produce when you're first 'in love' with someone have left, too. I think it's normal and good that those feelings have given way a bit - how freaking exhausting would it be to be in those early stages of 'love' all the time?! It's really not love at all, and it's confusing to get farther into a relationship and realize that the feelings you've always associated with 'love' have fizzled.

Maybe you could try pretending that you'd made a decision one way or the other. Commit to it, live as if it were true for a few days, and see how you feel. If after that you don't feel that the decision you 'made' was totally the right one, commit to the other possibility and sit with it for a few days and then see how you feel?

I have an article about this very subject that you might be interested in, and that's really where I'm coming from on this. PM me if you'd like it and I can scan it in and send it over ....

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

I'm very sorry for your frustration. How did he react to the idea or a hint on splitting? Is it only on your mind or do you think he entertains it as well?
My other concern for you is that if you feel like that after 1 year of dating...what do you expect in 10 years? ( YOu've been together for about 1 year, did I remember correct?)

Miss Mabel · Kenneth Cole

Yana wrote:

I'm very sorry for your frustration. How did he react to the idea or a hint on splitting? Is it only on your mind or do you think he entertains it as well?
My other concern for you is that if you feel like that after 1 year of dating...what do you expect in 10 years? ( YOu've been together for about 1 year, did I remember correct?)

Yeah, it has been about a year. But we've only been in the same city for about 5 months of that year. At the moment we are, officially, split up. He says he doesn't want to split and that I'm the person he wants to be with. I *want* to be with him, but right now I don't think that's possible unless my emotions or my level of certainty change enough to propel me to make the decision to commit.

Miss Mabel · Kenneth Cole

P.S. And thanks again, everyone, for the responses. You all had good things to say. smile

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

Then there are 2 issues:
1. fear to commit to him or commit....period?
2. will repeat myself again: if you're at this stage after 5 months together, not even a year, then....how do you imagine running for a longer marathon together? - long distance relationship are of a different kind, everything is great in e-mails, Skype, telephone, etc....it's a different kind of chemistry & dynamics.

The pleasant fact is that he says & you in fact feel he loves you. But what's important is not for one to love & for another to let be loved, but the feelings need to be mutual. So, if you're not sure - I personally think it's an alarming point. If you don't feel right about it - it's alarming. What do you wish him to be/do to make you feel right? CAn you formulate that? Is he up to it? Is he aware of it? Do you think he will keep doing it for the rest of your life together or just to make you feel good for a short period for now?

I know, it's frustrating...