STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Suasoria · Chanel

Can I dump a friend for being fat?

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

your title certainly caught my attention! It doesn't seem to me that the fact that she's fat is the reason you don't want to be friends with her -- it is her self-destructive behavior. It is really difficult to be around, never mind friends with, someone who consistantly makes bad decisions -- and knows they're doing it. You don't mention any of the benefits of your relationship with her -- is she funny? A good listener? If you're not getting anything out of the friendship, I maintain it is best to let it go. Can you do the fade-away after she moves?

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

I actually have a friend who has been obsessing about the amount of weight she's gained and all the stretch marks that have come with it. She's convinced that she has a hormonal or thyroid problem (even tho she's been checked) meanwhile her dinners consist of BBQ, burgers, and cupcakes.

I know you're trying to be facetious about this but .... er despite the health problems, is she a good friend? A good listener? Is she always complaining? Is she always down? Maybe she is depressed and is using the food to self medicate. Food can be an addiction and yes, if your friend was an alcoholic you'd be frustrated but you wouldn't want to lose them if the friendship was strong enough.

Suasoria · Chanel

She's an aiight friend. She is not a good listener, talks almost solely about herself, and yes, is always complaining, especially about her ailments. Everyone in the medical profession is a moron. That kind of thing.

She's also quite obnoxious, which never really bothered me in the past but now it does a little. On the plus side she has a great sense of humor, the kind that sometimes goes along with being loud and obnoxious.

Starstuff, the problem is she's moving back after being gone for a few years, so she's "fading back in." I've been able to avoid any weirdness as long as she's been up north. Now I am sweating over what the future will hold. For example, I hope she's aware enough to eat healthy when/if she gets pregnant, but if not, I'll be even MORE bitter and judgmental.

Starstuff · Kenneth Cole

Suasoria wrote:

She's also quite obnoxious, which never really bothered me in the past but now it does a little. ...
Starstuff, the problem is she's moving back after being gone for a few years, so she's "fading back in." I've been able to avoid any weirdness as long as she's been up north. Now I am sweating over what the future will hold. For example, I hope she's aware enough to eat healthy when/if she gets pregnant, but if not, I'll be even MORE bitter and judgmental.

Sorry, I misunderstood wrt her moving. The best I can say is just to keep her at arm's length -- return calls and emails slowly, be 'busy' every weekend, etc. Hopefully she'll get the message, though if she is obnoxious, she might call you on your behavior, so perhaps be prepared with an excuse or two. If worst comes to worst, you can say that you're having trouble with her pregnancy, struggling yourself with whatever issues (made-up or not) and you need to take a break from your frienship while she's pregnant. Hope this helps, and good luck!

wetbandit42 · Marc Jacobs

Suasoria, I don't mean to sound rude, but your comments to your friend about her health aren't going to do a damn thing. If she wants to lose weight, it has to come from her, not at the urging of her friends and family (no matter how well-intentioned those comments are).

As for dumping her, I'd try and pull a slow fade. She'll probably eventually sense that you don't want to be friends with her, and will pull back, unless she's stupid or doesn't have a sense of pride. Most people don't like to feel pathetic by trying to hang out with someone who just doesn't want to be their friend.

Boots · Gucci

Suasoria, you strike me as a person who likes things said straight so I'm going to do that. I hope that I don't offend you, but you ask for opinions so I am giving mine.

It sounds to me like she really needs a good friend right now. You mentioned that her entire life is basically pain management. That must be incredibly difficult to live day in and day out. I can understand why she is probably medicating herself with comfort food. You also mentioned that her personality is loud and can be obnoxious. That might be a coping mechanism as well.

As for her unhealthy weight. She knows that she is obese. She knows exactly how she got there and what is keeping her there. And honestly, it's her business to decide what to do with it. Comments, criticisms and "hints", while well meaning, might have just the opposite effect than the help you want to give her. Her eating, much like an anorexic, might just be the only thing she can control. And like an anorexic, she controls it by swinging her eating habits to drastic extremes.

If you can remember why you became friends in the first place and if those reasons are good enough to remain friends with this woman, then I think the friendship might be worth saving. If you decide that she is just a person that you no longer want in your life, then cut her lose. But don't use her weight as an excuse. Because that's kind of insulting and a bit shallow.

Kelly · Hermes

For whatever reason, it isn't important enough to her to change her habits, and she isn't going to change it because it's important to everyone else.

She may not really realize what she is doing to herself. I think a lot of people "know" that certain foods aren't healthy, but they don't really believe that it makes that big of a difference. Food isn't nourishment and it won't make a big difference in their lives (so they believe) - it's just something to stay alive, and something to fill an empty stomach.

Maybe she has lost faith in the medical community. She has a lot of health problems and if doctors can't solve that, maybe she doesn't believe them when they tell her about a healthy diet, either.

You've said that you made comments about her weight, but have they just been offhand one-liners, or have you actually really sat down and talked about it seriously? I know there have been times in my life when something was wrong and I kept ignoring it and rationalizing it "away" and it took someone to really sit down with me, basically confront me and confirm that it was serious business and that it was something I needed to give a shit about. And I needed to know that they were going to support me and help me.

Confirm that you're not worried about how she looks, but you see all the pain she's already in with all of her health problems, and you can't just sit by while she digs herself into a bigger hole and makes everything hurt even more. She might get furious with you and maybe she'll end the friendship over it - but it sounds like that's where you're headed right now, anyway. She's not going to change overnight but if she doesn't have someone else in her life who wants the best for her (like, if her fiance has just as crappy a lifestyle), she's going to need you.

Suasoria · Chanel

Thanks y'all. It's certainly not the weight itself but the self-destructive/self-defeating nature of it all. (I dispute that I'm being shallow, in other words. It's not like I want to dump her because I don't want to be seen at a bar with a fat friend. It's that it's hard to watch someone hurting themself.)

I hope Boots is right that she knows what to do and how to do it. Honestly I haven't even discussed her diet with her since we worked together - she left the company in 2004 - when I'd see what she ate for lunch on a regular basis. Once I told her about the intestinal problems another friend developed from artificial sweeteners, or I'd say things like "Oh, health food again?" when she ate McDonald's, or if she got a pastrami sandwich from the local deli and took off the lettuce and tomato, I'd say "you wouldn't want any actual vitamins or nutrients to ruin that sandwich." She would be equally sarcastic with me...if I ate a salad she'd call me Thumper all day ("rabbit food") or accuse me of eating "garnishes" instead of food. It's fair to say we are both self-righteous!!

I think I will have to wait and see how things go once she moves back for good. I just don't have time for superficial friendships, which is what this will be if I continue to feel the way I do. I am hoping she'll have an OB who can be straight with her about what to eat while pregnant. I suspect she may have to lose some weight or cut her fat intake to improve her chances of conception anyway.

Elle · Hermes

Our society is not set up to help people who are diabled in any way, and it sounds like she's spending alot of mental, physical, and emotional energy on the constant management of her various disabilities. That can take alot out of you - easily as much as the planning/action involved in raising children or running a household (groceries, meal planning, coordinating schedules, etc). SAHMs tend to talk about their kids alot because that's what they do. People who work for a wage talk about their jobs or industry. If her life is based around the management of her various ailments, I don't think that it's anything out of the ordinary for her to be talking about that. I know typically we trade off being the friend who is supported and the friend who is supportive, and in this case it sounds like because her whole life is one big hard time, you guys don't get to swtich roles and it make the friendship feel inequitable.

This may be the opposite of what you want, but what about approaching her in a 'How can I help?' way? It sounds like she has alot on her plate and is compensating for the stress in the few ways she is able, which is understandable. But I know that when I'm stressed and compensate, the last thing that's helpful is being told that the way I'm compensating is unacceptable. Removing stress of the front end is helpful, and eliminates or reduces the need to compensate, which reduces the compensatory behavior, which is the whole point of saying something in the first place! If you're truly concerned for her, that's how I would approach it. If you're just looking for a way out of the friendship (fair enough - different strokes and stuff like that) then I'd just do a slow fade - no point in adding more to her plate by dumping her.

Kelly · Hermes

Suasoria wrote:
I'd say things like "Oh, health food again?" when she ate McDonald's, or if she got a pastrami sandwich from the local deli and took off the lettuce and tomato, I'd say "you wouldn't want any actual vitamins or nutrients to ruin that sandwich." She would be equally sarcastic with me...if I ate a salad she'd call me Thumper all day ("rabbit food") or accuse me of eating "garnishes" instead of food. It's fair to say we are both self-righteous!!

I'm going to be honest - even if I'm joking and sarcastic back to someone, sarcastic criticism makes me even less likely to follow that person's suggestions. I feel like I'm being judged, and then I feel too proud to change because I don't want that person to think they "won" - even if I know that change would be good for me.

Boots · Gucci

I understand if it's the self destructive behavior that makes you want to end a friendship, not the weight itself (in my defense, your last line was "Can I dump a friend for being fat?" It struck a nerve, what can I say?)

I have a best friend who eats like crap, doesn't exercise and is very over weight as a result. But I love her for who she actually is. I love her for our history together, for the way she constantly sticks up for me when nobody else will and for the fact that she simply puts up with me. Would I love for her to start eating healthy and take better care of herself? Of course. But that is something she has to decide. When I lost my weight and began to live a healthy lifestyle, the choice was mine. I try to be an example for her now (choosing not to eat donuts for breakfast or by carving out time in my schedule to work out) but I am careful not to judge her.

If you truly feel that your friendship has run it's course then that is that. Friendships aren't always a forever sort of thing. A lot have to do with location, circumstances and convenience. It sounds to me as if it was more of an acquaintance/work friendship sort of thing for you. In all honesty, she may actually feel the same way once she creates new relationships for herself Sol Cal.

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

YOu can definitely dump a friend, which I think it isn't only because she' fat, but as you write - many other reasons, being obnoxious would be one of them. You drifted apart, it's totally different in a long distance relationship, however when she moves here, to LA, you can always make up excuses, & then even the telephone connection will become more rare.
We ( my DH & I) lost friends that became annoying to us with the time. We all change as the time goes by, as we mature & some things that we used to shut our eyes at are now unacceptable, so the friendship goes out of the window. There is nothing wrong with it. YOu don't have to tolerate the person whose presence doesn't bring you much pleasure besides her sense of humor. For that - go to Commedy Channel or have dinner with other friends.

-- Edited by Yana on Saturday 1st of August 2009 07:43:12 PM

gossipgirl · Dooney & Bourke

It sounds like you don't really like her much. None of the stuff your describing sounds like a bad friend, just maybe an unpleasant person to be around, so I'd focus on your relationship and whether or not that is important

blink · Coach

The whole post made me feel sad. I understand your sentiment, but it also sounds rather cold hearted.

If you can't offer her your friendship anymore, then I guess I will agree with some of the others that you should just do a slow fade.

Personally, I think it's okay to have all different levels of friendships and that unless someone has done something to hurt me, there is no reason to shut someone out. In my life, there are no definitive limits to what kind of person I will befriend. Naturally, I am drawn to people who are a little bit more like me, but there are also those who used to have more in common with me and don't now but I still consider valued friends for the investment. There are also the single friends who I rely on for things to do together on weekend...if they grow into something more, that's great, but for now it's about the companionship. I have several friends who haven't made the best choices in life, but I still offer my kindness and friendship to them if they should need me. It's not as though I am burdening myself, I just mean to offer support in spirit, check in with them, invite to meet up for coffee or lunch, offer encouragement, etc. I don't expect too much in return, but for those that do reciprocate, they have usually become my best friends, those who are my closest and and can tell anything to, and with whom who I speak with numerous times a month. In a nutshell, I can totally understand if you don't want to spend too much time with this person, it sounds like her behavior and lifestyle really give you a lot of grief. However, you can graciously limit the time you spend with her and stay her friend...from a distance, if you care about her at all.

-- Edited by blink on Saturday 15th of August 2009 05:08:33 PM