STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

honey · Gucci

RE: Talk me out of this (or not)

splash · Kenneth Cole

I probably won't be of much help....
But for me to have a fling, it would need to:
have that immediate chemistry
be safe - like, even if it's a fling, I'd be hurt if the guy abruptly left me for someone else
So, I think the best way to have a fling is when there's something in the near future that will end it because of practical reasons, when the relationship itself is still good (but hopefully winding down). For me, that's been summers, since school is on the other side of the country.

So basically, if you think that you can retain enough control to make sure that you get out before he's tired of it, and you can distance yourself from him when you're done... I'd say go for it!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

here's my outlook on the fling thing:

i think flings are best in some kind of temporary setting, like on a cruise or some kind of vaca and for some reason i usually equate them w/ the summer. i guess because there's that knowledge on both sides that it's temporary so no pressure to make it permanent or explain why it can't be permanent, etc. so ideally if you want a fling take a trip somewhere (vegas seems to be popular for this purpose i think). but whatever, i guess it's not mandatory that you take a trip to have a fling.

also, i don't think you have to sleep w/ someone to have a fling and maybe if you took that pressure off, that "oh my gosh this is going to be the next person i sleep w/ after 2 years" pressure, it would be easier for you to have one (a fling i mean).

i guess my best advice is this: just try to have fun. see if the 2 hotties call, see if there's a spark, see if they're good kissers, etc. basically, just see how it goes and then decide.

good luck and most importantly, have fun!

laken1 · Hermes

First of all - I have to say TWO YEARS - well damn girl, it's about time for a fling!!!!!

Having said that, here are is my view on a "fling" - if that is truly what you want, know that in your heart & let him kinda know at the time too - did you ever see that episode of Sex in the City? Where Charlotte starts sleeping with Harry & she won't go to dinner /events with him, keeps it only sex? Are you really ready for that? Not that I think that it's a bad idea. As a matter of fact, I think it's a great idea if you can keep it in that realm for both of you. I'd just hate for you to come back here in a month or 2 with a post on how to shake him off!! LOL.

You are not bad at all, if you have a drive, sometimes you need to drive it, if you know what I mean. Here is my only "lecture" about that - I just know (i guess this is tmi too, so forgive me) - sometimes too many flings leave to low self esteem issues & make you feel worse. But dang it, I think one in a great blue moon - and by "one" i mean one guy, not one time, can be fun, exciting, and good as long as you are careful. And by careful I mean physically but also emotionally. I just think sometimes women get all caught up in the emotion and it's easier to stay caught up in it when you keep up a "fling" -even if you think it's only physical - does that make sense?

I guess I only say any of this because if you weren't analyzing it, you'd be on here telling us some great penthouse story, not asking if you are bad. That leads me to believe that you do think things through & I don't want to see you hurt.

I agree with esquiress that flings are best had in distance locations & in addition to vegas, I'd like to suggest a beach setting. Only because in my very humble experience, have had fun flings in far away places with people I was happy to never have to see again - EVER - but what wonderful memories I carry with me til this day!! I'm not sure if where you are you would see these 2 guys in the running often, but if so that could make for uncomfortable "going out" situations if it doesn't work out the way you think it should.

Bottom line to answer your questions - if you feel that physical connection, you'll know that it's right. And if you do, go for it, it doesn't make you bad, it makes you a sexual woman & that's just ok. Do you ignore rules? I think if you are doing it just for this, then yes, but then know that is what it is & don't expect more - gosh, i think that is the hardest part because you might decide you like him & all bets are off at that point. I think the fact that it has taken you 2 months may be hurting you more than helping you because you keep thinking about it, which quite frankly, is probably getting you hot!!! LOL

janey831 · Kate Spade

i say...go for it ! but i agree with all the other girls t oo. i know how you feel, i thought i could do the whole fling thing, but it dragged out for longer than i anticipated and just got too complicated and too many emotions got involved, esp since i knew that he was "fling" material and not "relationship" material. so just be careful u don't get attached or start to develop feelings for a "fling" material type of guy, which was my mistake. anyway, thats my two cents.

Vanessa · Kate Spade

AJ, let me just say you're a saint!!  I only wish I had your conviction.

My only advice to you is to be careful. From experience I've learned that you have to be very clear in your intentions and steer away from emotionally clingy types. For some strange reason (the challenge?) it seems that guys want you even more when they realize you don't really want them.  Thanks to that jilted logic, I've ended up with stalkers, crazies, and bitter men who want a "definition of us". One even ran off and married the next girl he met, out of sheer spite (he admitted this to me; he's ill, that poor guy).

Like someone else mentioned, it's always easier to have a fling while on vacation or with out-of-towners because there is little obligation. Both of you know there will be a definite end and that's conducive to letting go of inhibitions and having a grand old time!  Best of all NO WORRIES!   No expectations, nothing. Aaaah. Oh, as far as fling MO, I usually assume it's a fling unless otherwise specified. If he starts acting serious, asking you out to do couple-things, etc. I'd just say I'm not looking for anything more than what we've got thus far.   A lot of times this puts an end to things, but that's life. Things run their course and then you move on.

That said, flings are not for everyone. If you feel slightly weird or wrong about it, don't do it.  Over analyzing it will take all the fun out of it. Do let us know what happens!

-- Edited by Vanessa at 00:52, 2005-05-10

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
I just want to hook up with someone that is hot and totally wrong for me and stop being so practical. Of course, I am still being completely practical because it has been 2 months and I still haven't found the "right" person to have a fling with.....

hahahahahahahaaaa, that was so funny.

I agree that not everyone can handle flings. I think you've answered your own question^

blubirde · Chanel

Here's my advice: if you want to have sex, have sex! That said, make sure you can handle it. I was in a similar situation after I broke up with my ex. I waited a looong time before I was ready to date again, much less have sex. Everytime and opportunity arose, I went a little farther and checked to make sure I felt okay, was ready, didn't have any other emotional feelings attached, etc. Finally it came down to the fact that I wanted to have sex. So I did. But I chose someone who I didn't want to date. That's my only rule about casual sex: To make sure I have no other feelings attached. The second you have sex with someone you have even an inkling of perhaps wanting more with, is the second you've committed yourself to some for of trouble down the road.

Sex is wonderful and it's great and there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when you want to have it. Just be sure and check yourself at the door and make sure you don't have any romantic feelings to contend with. Actually I think friends with benefits or flings are great things. They really put our feelings into perspective. Our feelings on dating, men, relationships, and most of all, ourselves. If I can understand my motivations and what I want with regards to a guy, I can make better choices and be generally happier.

Also, I highly recommend a friend with benefits. Someone who you can call up on a regular or semi-regular basis (or at least more than once) and that you can trust to be discreet, safe, nice to you, and most of all, good in bed.

Basic criteria for a fling:

You're okay with it
You're physically attracted to the guy
He's nice
You're safe
You don't have any feelings at all for him
He's good at it! (Never EVER have sex with someone who doesn't get the job done. It's just not worth it. Your time and energy would be spent much better with a vibrator.)

Good luck and go out there and have sex!

jess · Kenneth Cole

Amen Vanessa! :) & the next paragraph is strictly for the non-judgemental. . .

If all you want is a fling- then yea- there is no need for phone calls & such courtesy. Unless you want to re-fling, then by all means- call him the next time you feel up to it. Im sure he'd get the point. Also word of advice: Dont commit to any dates that are in peak hours. Ok, I might be sounding like a bit of a skank here, and forgive me- but its just been my experience & no I dont have a wide plethera of knowledge in the department, but my single days are currently alive & kicking & frankly- Im tired of being a "good girl." ;) (Those peak hour dates tend to give the wrong idea, hence having to be in that uncomfortable spot of admitting that for you- it was just a fling.)

If you arent the fligging type, then dont do it. Only do what you feel comfortable doing. My first fling was after me & my ex broke up (shortly) and it happened to be with someone I had briefly dated back in hs who I ran into. I was comfortable with him, not to mention EXTREMELY attracted to & it just felt natural. It also felt natural to leave, not have to call, and hook up with occasionally. I didnt have any real feelings for him, maybe b/c I could tell what kind of guy he was. It was like I knew better, a'la no strings attached. However, when I did meet someone (which has been pretty recent) that I could see myself {gulp} having feelings for, I knew right off that I couldnt just "hang" out with him in that way, so I refrained for sometime. I think innately women know who serve as fling material- - this is strictly MO.

-- Edited by jess at 12:06, 2005-05-10

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 23:27, 2006-01-28

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: Andrea Julia
"I think the reason why this has become such an attractive option as of late is that all my life I have been so discerning about relationships. Even as an 18 year old, I was always been really picky (not really about looks, but about how they treat me). If a guy didn't seem like relationship material, I just didn't date him/hook up with him at all. I feel like I am getting older and have always taken things too seriously and soon I won't be able to do this kind of stuff. I am just so sick of not getting involved with guys that seem fun and hot just because they are not relationship material. I think I should let me guard down for once in my life. I want to feel like the "bad girl" (I know that sounds really dumb). Maybe it's not for me, I don't know. I think I would need for the guy to be hot, totally unfit for a relationship (in my eyes, so that I would never make the mistake of trying to have a relationship); and, I realized, he would have to be into me. I still couldn't see hooking up with someone who could care less about me."

You're not dumb at all! My advice is just to go out and do it. You'll never know how you're going to feel and react until you're actually in the situation. That will definitely answer your questions. You've created all these rules and ideas of how everything should work. It's like you're planning to be spontaneous. (And I'm not saying that's necessarily a bad thing because sometimes people feel the need to control their situations and that's a completely legitimate thing.) But - and this is just a thought - if you want to be free and spontaneous, maybe you should be free and spontaneous, ya know?

It's great to get your head on straight before you fall into something you aren't ready for, but after that, once you've decided that okay, I'm gonna do it, just go for it. Go out with your friends and if there's a guy you think is hot, see what happens. It may be that it takes a few instances of random makeout sessions before you're ready for anything else. Make your decision that yes you're going to do it, and then trust your gut and see what happens. Have fun and get a little crazy girl! It sounds like you definitely deserve it!

And remember, most of all, no judgment. You are a sexual being and if you choose to engage in completely natural sexual behavior, more power to you. Own yourself and your body and your life and don't let anyone make you feel stupid or bad about it. (Not that that's an issue for you, but that's my best advice to someone looking to try new things.)

I can't wait to see what happens next!

Karina · Chanel

GO FOR IT!

Lola · Dooney & Bourke

quote:
Originally posted by: jess
"Those peak hour dates tend to give the wrong idea, hence having to be in that uncomfortable spot of admitting that for you- it was just a fling."

this is sound advice, very sound advice ;)

jess · Kenneth Cole

quote:
Originally posted by: Lola
" this is sound advice, very sound advice ;)"

{Sighs} I know. . . ;)

crystal · Kate Spade

i tried to read through everything to see if this was already said, but there's a lot of info and only an hour lunch to read it in so.... my one tidbit of advice is to be very sure that he's more into u than u are into him. that is the only way to ensure that u do not get hurt (although i cannot guarantee he won't get hurt, but in order for a fling to work someone has to get hurt). i'll share my story since everyone else is admitting they have experience too... there was this super hot guy who worked at johnny rockets (50's diner type place). he was absolutely gorgeous, but absolutely wrong for me. not only did he have a crummy job (sorry if i sound shallow), but he smoked & i even heard him arguing w/ his then girlfriend on the phone (ETA: he had broken up w/ the GF by the time we hooked up, but the convo i overheard w/ her just sounded really mean). so one night i see him out at the club & we start making out on the dance floor

. we then proceeded to have a week of amazing "fun". i thought of it as a fling & i'm sure he did too, but as much as i knew he was wrong for me it still hurt when he stopped calling & i eventually saw him out again & he blew me off. my lesson was that he was TOO hot... so hot in fact that it blinded all my other senses and as much as i hate to admit it, he was hotter than me

. that is why i was the one that got hurt, not him. hope this helps!!

-- Edited by crystal at 16:31, 2005-05-10

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: crystal
"he was hotter than me ."

Not possible! You, Crystal, are super hot. Are you hot? Yes - 10.0.

crystal · Kate Spade

quote:
Originally posted by: blubirde
"Not possible! You, Crystal, are super hot. Are you hot? Yes - 10.0. "

aw, blubirde, u r such a sweetie!! that just put a huge smile on my face, thanks for giving me a good day today!!!

Andrea Julia · Coach

n/m

-- Edited by Andrea Julia at 23:28, 2006-01-28

scarlett · Marc Jacobs

if this isn't TMI (don't read further otherwise), some of the best sex i ever had was with a fling. it was four years ago with a guy i'd been friends with for years (we're still friends), and what made it so easy to not get romantically attached was he was about to move across the country. so like other posters noted, having a set end-point makes a fling much more manageable and designated as a fling without anyone having to come right out and say so. i think knowing him well made me comfortable with him right away, and it was that way for him too.

i've always been a "good girl" too and tried being "bad" for a while after college, thinking that i was tired of always being good while other girls seemed to be having a great time partying and hooking up, but it didn't fit me. i ended up feeling guilty about a few incidents, and it took me a while to stop beating myself up for being "bad." it doesn't sound like you would do that to yourself, andrea.

and after two years, you must have a lot of drive stored up! whoever your fling ends up being is a lucky guy. ;)