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Post Info TOPIC: Siblings... a random vent


Coach

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Siblings... a random vent
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I wish I was an only child. 

A little background, I have 2 sister and 1 brother... I'm the oldest. My youngest sister is great and we get along fine. She lives a city away and has her own wonderful adult life.

My other sister, the older of the two, is too bizarre and we do not get a long and NEVER have. My parents have over coddled her and she is seriously socially inept.  She is almost 27 years old and lives with my parents. She has a job as a teacher and has enough money to go off and get her own place, but she likes being there. She has few friends and honestly prefers hanging out with my folks. It's really like she's back in elementary school. It's not because she's a homebody that bothers me though... it's that she is a nosy tattle (still), not mentally stable, and rude. I had to defriend her on Facebook because she felt the need to tell my mom everything written on there... not that there was anything bad, but still. If anyone says anything to her that she feels is slightly negative, she runs to my parents and claims she was attacked.  (example... asking her if she has seen a book is translated threatening to beat her for stealing it.). I think a lot of this is because as a middle child, she always sought attention and this is her way to get it... being the snitch and the victim. And the fact she is still living in her childhood bedroom allows her to still act and be treated like a child by my parents.

Oh, and she's rude. Everytime she sees our daughter she comments on how fat she is and has  such big feet. I mean she's a baby, so it's not that big of a deal, but still rude. And her tone isn't that of, "Oh... look at that sweet chubby baby!" And when we ignore her, she'll get saying stuff until someone acknowledges her. We have decided she will have MINIMAL involvement in our daughters life because neither my husband and I care for her, plus she has weird baby issues. Meaning a few years ago, it was discovered she was going on pregnancy chatrooms and forums pretending she was pregnant... and she had some long drawn out backstory about being a single mom and expecting twins. Crazy, much? Espcially since she's never really even had a serious boyfriend. She still knows WAY too much about babies and it's obvious she's still obsessed with being pregnant/having a child by the way she talks about things... like knowing the names of new toys or the latest birthing options. My husband and I decided there is no way we'd ever let her be alone with my baby because she'd probably post her picture online claiming she was hers.

So I try to have minimal involvement with her, but it's hard since I want my daughter to see her grandparents and she lives with them.  I try not to go over to their house, but sometimes when they come over here, they bring her. My mom wants everyone to be included even though they know I can't stand her and do not want her here. I've tried to say she is not welcome in our house but then my mom starts the dramatics, crying, guilt trips about all my parents have done for me, wah, wah, wah. So I try my best to ignore her.

And my brother is still a worthless, unemployed loser who does drugs. And OF COURSE he still lives with my parents. He is starting graduate school in the fall, in which he has a whopping course load of 9 hours. For background, please read here. But now we just ignore each other so there's rarely the hostility I wrote about last year.

So if I had to name 2 of my least favorite people in the world, it would be my siblings.  And how nice is it they still live under the same roof just like when we were kids. I guess it's good so they can be contained.

Oh... and my mom's number one wish in the world is for all her children to be best friends. Seriously, it's not enough for us to be civil (and in our family, that means ignoring each other), she wants us to be involved with each other's lives. Ain't going to happen. Ever. We are all adults now. We have nothing in common but blood. I have no need for them in my life.

And because I'm the oldest, she's always nagging me to be nicer, include them, etc. Nope. You'd think she'd realize this will never happen.

Sorry for the vent, my mom and I just had words (again) about the sibling situation and I was fired up.



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Gucci

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Ugh I completely sympathize with you here. My brother and I don't get along (there is only the two of us) and it is never-ending dramatics from my mother.

About 6 months ago my brother sat me down and told me he hates how I'm living my life, I'm a fuck up, I should get married to a rich man and my life would be better, yadda yadda. Nothing that was true and nothing that is any of his business anyway. So we haven't really spoken for 6 months now. He refuses to answer my calls or emails until I "apologise" and start living my life correctly. I didn't get a call or a card on my 30th birthday even.

Mother's Day my mother starts in on me about not going over to my brother's house for brunch. I calmly inform her that I WAS NOT INVITED. So she starts boo-hooing on me about how I make everything so difficult and why can't I just make up with my brother? Maybe because he won't even pick up the phone when I call?

So she says "well when are you going to make up? My funeral?". And thus ruined Mothers Day sufficiently.

Yeah so I know how much it sucks. I wish I had some advice on how to make it better, but I'm sorry I don't.

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Coach

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Metric wrote:


So she says "well when are you going to make up? My funeral?". And thus ruined Mothers Day sufficiently.



 Ha. That is SO something my melodramatic mother would say.



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Dooney & Bourke

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I think your sister is suffering from a mental illness. I just sent you a PM.

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Chanel

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yup, your sis has some kind of mental issues. Definately jealous of your baby girl, so she chooses to be mean and say her rude comments.
As a mother myself (not any girls) I'd keep your sis away from her at all times! you don't want your girl to hear those rude comments! They will affect her in life!!!! Keep her away from her.
I had to tell my parents and bro's to stop their stupid comments about my little son being too skinny. Especially cause they would say it in front of him sometimes. Skinny, fat, whatever, dont say those comments bout them, not good for kids! Just cause were hispanic, my kids dont have to be fat, or plumpy to be "healthy" kids! ugh! put a stop to it now, before she understands.....

good luck....

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Hermes

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I defintely understand your fear of your sister's influence on your girl as she grows - it's one of our own sticking points about having kids.  But I doubt you're going to be able to completely remove your sister from your daughters life, so I think it's important to be honest with her in a way that she can understand as she grows. 

Not that you can't give your sis a piece of your mind about saying stupid shit when your kid isn't around too, but being calm and having some rational 'comebacks' in place for her 'usual' comments (fat baby comment - "The doctor is really happy with her weight gain actually - she said she's really healthy and that her good eating habits are helping her sleep more soundly at night.  We're so grateful for that!" or "She's 60% percentile for her height, so not much bigger than average!").  I've found that it helps keep me calm in those situations and helps short circuit the inappropriate comment->you upset->her defensive/dramatic->you leave loop. 

Then once you and your daughter are out of the situation (like in the car on the way home or over dinner that evening) you can talk about how sometimes Auntie says things she doesn't know are hurtful, or later how sometimes the thing people comment on in others is the thing they are uncomfortable with in themselves.  Keeping an open dialogue with her about your family dynamics is a good start - it may help stop things from festering and becoming bigger issues later, like fat comments that lead to your kid's insecurity about weight which could lead to an eating disorder/low self esteem, etc.

I'm sorry your family is such a pain - I can sympathize!  It sounds to me like your sister has some maturational issues and resulting coping mechanisms stemming from the way she was raised.  It does not sound easy to deal with on your end!  Considering her fascination with all things pregnancy/baby, I wonder if her comments are her (obviously twisted) way of trying to reach out to you?  To be included?  Or weasle her way in to steal some of your 'baby' thunder?

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To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment ~ {Ralph Waldo Emerson}


Chanel

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You are NOT the family doormat!

Your siblings have problems, but it's your parents (mom) who seem to be causing YOUR problems. How can you lay down the law about visiting? Sure, you want your daughter to see her grandparents, but honestly you might have to stop the visits until they accept that they can't bring uninvited guests to your house.

Your parents don't have a problem with your child being insulted and criticized for her weight or whatever? How old is she again? Is she old enough to understand some people are nuts and not to be trusted?

Comebacks are good, but "Comments like that are exactly why I don't want you around my children" would be more direct. Your sister is mentally ill and needs therapy. Maybe you can specify that as a goal that will make you more inclined to accept her as a part of your child's life. Your parents probably have the power to make that happen.

If the question is "WHEN already will you kids all get along," the answer is, "when they grow up and get a life." Waah, all we've done for you, waah - yes, thank you, that's why I'm a strong person today who knows what it takes to be a good parent and protect my kids from negative influences.

(((Hugs))) to you.





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Kate Spade

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I'm an only child, so I can't really relate. But, I'm sorry that you have to put up with her! I don't understand why parents expect their adult children to be best friends, especially when they didn't get along as children. My mom always told me that she regretted not having a second daughter, because then my "sister" and I would be best friends, because she would raise us to be. O.o I don't think that's possible. I don't really feel like you have any responsibility to be friends with your sister. You can't stand her and she says nasty things about your daughter, I think civility is the most your parents can realistically expect from you!

Elle is probably right, that you won't be able to keep your sister out of your daughter's life, especially because she lives with your parents. If she moved out, it would be easier!

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Kate Spade

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I can relate. I cannot tolerate my siblings most days and my mom does the whole "I wish you could get along. I would do anything to have one more day with my sisters (2 are deceased)" Meanwhile, she never mentions the 2 brothers she no longer speaks to or the one that died and she hadn't spoken to him in years. She acts as if she does not comprehend why one would fight with their siblings.

I have no advice. If I did, I would be able to deal with my family better..I can relate to your ordeal, though

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