STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Elle · Hermes

Mother's Day Fallout

Suasoria · Chanel

We-ell...hmmm....most of what you say sounds like my mother* and me, and we have what I'd call a good relationship! Sure, our comfort level relies on me almost never telling her how I really feel about her lifestyle and her choices, but that's how I roll where she is concerned.

If you see each other once a month, she's very much in your life. It's not like you're estranged. So, not calling her on mother's day seems weird to me, even if it's just out of duty. Has she really changed that much in the last two years, or has she always been oblivious and selfish? Maybe now that she's on her own it's impacting you differently?

Personally I'm a big fan of having superficial relationships with parents and in-laws, unless you use them for something important like childcare. We don't need to be BFFs, and I rarely need a mommy anymore. In a way it's freeing for both parties to maintain some distance and not be in each others' business all the time.

* oblivious, selfish, avoids conflict, puts on blinders, plays the victim, easily hurt, uses guilt to get her way. Yeah, all of that. I guess I've been dealing with it for so long I'm used to managing her like a petulant child. At her age, she's not likely to change, so I chose to adapt instead of letting it eat me.

Hermes

Suasoria wrote:

* oblivious, selfish, avoids conflict, puts on blinders, plays the victim, easily hurt, uses guilt to get her way. Yeah, all of that. I guess I've been dealing with it for so long I'm used to managing her like a petulant child. At her age, she's not likely to change, so I chose to adapt instead of letting it eat me.

this is where I was with my mother. I had to accept her as a flawed person, and come to terms with the fact that she would never change. I stopped playing the game with her, and my relationship with her became so much less stressful for me.

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

I had to endure my mother and mother in law on Sunday and can't stand being around either of them, so I understand your pain. I wish I could be wise like Suasoria and D but I'm starting to wonder at which point you can say that because someone is your mother doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them.

It seems society pushes so hard for forgiveness and to turn the other cheek but sometimes enough is enough before it erodes your sanity as well. The only reason why I go around these people is because I'm related by blood and marriage, I would never choose these people to be in my life otherwise. My MIL is my complete opposite and my mother is so mired in depression and anger that she ruins every single family event or excursion.

Elle · Hermes

Su - I see her at a monthly family gathering, which I attend mainly to see my Dad. I never sit next to her, I only say hello if she comes over to me, I give one word answers to her questions, etc. There's usually upward of 20 other people there, so it's not like we're having intimate conversations! I don't call on her birthday, we didn't speak for Christmas or Thanksgiving, etc. She has indeed gotten much more blatant with her obliviousness in the last few years, and the whole issue of the divorce and where that leaves me taking care of my Dad is difficult for me to get past. If she wants to be selfish that's fine, but I think expecting me to be just fine with that is odd. She wants to be selfish and have 'her daughter'. Not me, 'her daughter'.

I have a hard time having interactions that aren't genuine on my part, and my life is much better and less stressful without her in it. I didn't call and wish her a happy mother's day because if I had it would have been untrue. She does not have a single healthy relationship in her life and never has because of her communitcation issues/coping mechanisms. I accept that she is who she is and she isn't going to change. But, I'm not sure I'm willing to have a relationship with that person. If my husband or a friend treated me that way, I'd cut off that relationship. Why not this one?

Boots · Gucci

Not knowing the situation really, I could be way off here, but could this be her way of reaching out to you? If she avoids conflicts, she may be looking for an excuse to start the communication between you two again but have no idea how to begin. Could this be her way of trying to repair your relationship?

Tati · Chanel

Wow, I am SO sorry Elle. reading everything I just read makes me so grateful that I get along so well with my mom and MIL!
BUT, my FIL, that's a different story! he's wierd, always wanting sympathy,ect. Just like what you all mentioned above about your moms. My husband and him went about a year without seeing and talking to each other. (and they were so close before) Now my husband chooses to let the past go, and see's and deals with him as normal as he can. He does keep his distance, knowing his dad will never change. and it will go back to square one again if he ever disrespects me or my kids ever again.

Hermes

Elle wrote:

I accept that she is who she is and she isn't going to change. But, I'm not sure I'm willing to have a relationship with that person. If my husband or a friend treated me that way, I'd cut off that relationship. Why not this one?

that's the key right there - take or leave people for who they are. Su and I chose to take, and you're choosing to leave. I've taken the leave option with my brother.

there's nothing wrong with removing people in your life. sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's adding anything positive to your life having them around. unfortunate, yes, but we don't all have the luck of being dealt a good hand of family members.

Elle · Hermes

Boots wrote:

Not knowing the situation really, I could be way off here, but could this be her way of reaching out to you? If she avoids conflicts, she may be looking for an excuse to start the communication between you two again but have no idea how to begin. Could this be her way of trying to repair your relationship?

No, I don't think so. She's looking for a way to explain my not calling away - we had friends in town and were busy. We were out of town. I tried to call but the phone must have been off the hook. We lost power and only have cordess phones. Truth-alternatives, so she can continue pretending everything is fine.

I think I would be more comfortable just accepting her and moving on if she hadn't been so cruel and simultaneously so quick to rationalize/excuse/ignore her cruelty. It's like just moving on and not talking about things if your significant other had an affair with the housekeeper or something, and didn't think they'd done anything wrong, or that their wrong was justified by something you did to 'cause' it. I don't think that would generally be considered healthy, on either party's end. It really feels like trying to reason with a one-year-old, or explain something complicated to someone with advanced Alzheimer's - I'm honestly not sure if she's capable of understanding.

Elle · Hermes

D wrote:

Elle wrote:

I accept that she is who she is and she isn't going to change. But, I'm not sure I'm willing to have a relationship with that person. If my husband or a friend treated me that way, I'd cut off that relationship. Why not this one?

that's the key right there - take or leave people for who they are. Su and I chose to take, and you're choosing to leave. I've taken the leave option with my brother.
there's nothing wrong with removing people in your life. sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's adding anything positive to your life having them around. unfortunate, yes, but we don't all have the luck of being dealt a good hand of family members.

Thank you for this, D. I think I could take her as she is if she seemed relatively harmless, I really do. I honestly wish it were that way. But truthfully, interacting with her just makes me ... sad. And who needs more sad added to their lives?

Hermes

Elle wrote:

D wrote:

Elle wrote:

I accept that she is who she is and she isn't going to change. But, I'm not sure I'm willing to have a relationship with that person. If my husband or a friend treated me that way, I'd cut off that relationship. Why not this one?

that's the key right there - take or leave people for who they are. Su and I chose to take, and you're choosing to leave. I've taken the leave option with my brother.
there's nothing wrong with removing people in your life. sometimes you have to ask yourself if it's adding anything positive to your life having them around. unfortunate, yes, but we don't all have the luck of being dealt a good hand of family members.

Thank you for this, D. I think I could take her as she is if she seemed relatively harmless, I really do. I honestly wish it were that way. But truthfully, interacting with her just makes me ... sad. And who needs more sad added to their lives?

I agree with you 100%. I have kind of an unwritten rule that if anyone consistently makes me feel uncomfortable, sad, or frightened, they're out. I don't care who they are. When I start feeling uncomfortable, I start evaluating why I'm in the relationship...

I did love my mother a lot and she thought she was always doing the right thing. I decided to quit calling her out on things, and not allow myself to get worked up by her words and actions. again, that's my unique relationship with my mother - there's no other relationship exactly like it on the planet - same goes for you and your mom.

Life is too short to spend with people that make you unhappy.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Kincali wrote:
my mother is so mired in depression and anger that she ruins every single family event or excursion.

I can relate. In the last year or two it seems like my mom cant leave a get-together without storming out in tears. She becoms Debbie Downer and chooses to discuss things like child molestation or the latest rape at the dinner table. This is not including any alcohol consumption!

My mother's day was spent ironing out tension betwen mom and sis in law bc apparently they had a huge public fight the night before at SIL's birthday party. Unneccessary drama. Ugh.

Sibeski · Dooney & Bourke

I could not agree more - no matter what the relationship is.

D wrote:

Life is too short to spend with people that make you unhappy.

Boots · Gucci

Whatever you choose to do, remember it's your choice. I'm sure a lot of people will give you their 2 cents whether you ask or not. It's your relationship with your mother and that's the end of the story.

I hope things get better for you one way or the other.

Elle · Hermes

I agree and that's the way I've been approaching the situation, but the reason I brought this her is because of all the flak I've caught IRL about it. Some people find it incredibly cruel, or say that I have to love her because she's family/my mother, or that I 'owe' something to her. I personally disagree with that - I don't feel like the family/mother/owing something is some magical get out of jail free card.

Does anyone have an opinion on this from the perspective of being a mother themselves? I know kids of people here are pretty young, but abstractly at least what do you expect from your children when it comes to your relationship? Is it common to think that unconditional love and acceptance should go the child-> parent way the same as it should for the parent-> child way, regardless?

Suasoria · Chanel

Elle wrote:

But truthfully, interacting with her just makes me ... sad. And who needs more sad added to their lives?

All I can say is that we choose how we react to people, and we can absolutely change those reactions. I agree - who would allow themselves to be sad? Being sad is a choice.

We can't change other people; we don't have that kind of control over the world. We can however control ourselves. It sounds awful, but most of the time I can actually laugh at how insanely selfish my mom is is or how she's created an identity out of victimhood.

I am also interested in hearing from parents. For the last ten years or so I have been asking people somewhat randomly why they decided to have children, and one very common desire is to be taken care of in old age. To me this sounds a bit like exploitation, or at least a fear of the future, but it dovetails with your question about what the parent expects from the child.

Tati · Chanel

Suasoria wrote:

I am also interested in hearing from parents. For the last ten years or so I have been asking people somewhat randomly why they decided to have children, and one very common desire is to be taken care of in old age. To me this sounds a bit like exploitation, or at least a fear of the future, but it dovetails with your question about what the parent expects from the child.

my situation might be different from other parents....and sorry for the rambling I might start to do.

I got pregnant early, as some of you might already know. 17 yrs old but gave birth when i was 18. before I got pregnant I never thought of kids and didn't want kids. My life and marriage was crappy for a few years, then as my marriage and life got better, we planned on our 2nd kid. We didn't want our son Marley to be an only child.
as my oldest is growing, its pretty scary that I'm going to have to let him go in the future. He'll be 14 in November and I already think of when the time comes of all that stuff of girlfriends, partys, etc. Scary! I pray that I like the girls he brings home. Cause I know in some ways, it'll be out of my hands. I don't expect anything from him, in the sense of , when I get old. my first priority in life (besides my marriage) is my son's life, well being, that THEY are taken care of.
I cant predict the future. I can also speak now, but not from experience, but I think I will put up with most anything to have my son's in my life in the future. Even if it means putting up with a DIL i don't care for, etc.
did i answer anything? or am i rambling......hehe

Elle · Hermes

Tati wrote:

my situation might be different from other parents....and sorry for the rambling I might start to do.

I got pregnant early, as some of you might already know. 17 yrs old but gave birth when i was 18. before I got pregnant I never thought of kids and didn't want kids. My life and marriage was crappy for a few years, then as my marriage and life got better, we planned on our 2nd kid. We didn't want our son Marley to be an only child.
as my oldest is growing, its pretty scary that I'm going to have to let him go in the future. He'll be 14 in November and I already think of when the time comes of all that stuff of girlfriends, partys, etc. Scary! I pray that I like the girls he brings home. Cause I know in some ways, it'll be out of my hands. I don't expect anything from him, in the sense of , when I get old. my first priority in life (besides my marriage) is my son's life, well being, that THEY are taken care of.
I cant predict the future. I can also speak now, but not from experience, but I think I will put up with most anything to have my son's in my life in the future. Even if it means putting up with a DIL i don't care for, etc.
did i answer anything? or am i rambling......hehe

It sounds to me like you have his best interests at heart and even though you know it's going to be hard to let him be independent, you're going to try to do everything you can not to get in the way of him living his life and being happy. Right?

Su - I'm not really sure how to react differently to her. I know I can control my actions with her, but I don't really know how to control my emotions when it comes to her. I don't know how to continue to interact with her and not be hurt by her, which is why I've not been in contact with her. If there wasn't so much baggage I might be able to just be casual and take her at face value, but she waaaants to have luuuuunch sometiiime! Just us giiiiirls! While the huge white elephant stands in the room and she pays for lunch with my Dad's inheritance that she practically stole, because she's not making any money sinceshe quite her job for no good reason? While she wears a new, age-inappropriate outfit also purchased with my Dad's money? So she can comment on guys and ask if I know anyone I can fix her up with. I don't know how to do that without excusing myself to the bathroom to scream into automatic hand dryer.

Tati · Chanel

Elle wrote:

It sounds to me like you have his best interests at heart and even though you know it's going to be hard to let him be independent, you're going to try to do everything you can not to get in the way of him living his life and being happy. Right?

RIGHT!
I want both my son's in my life till I'm old, helpless, and die! I want to be there and enjoy my grandkids, etc. I just see what big joy my kids bring to my parents and MIL and I want to experience that also. I hear it's totally different, a different bigger love than you have for your own kids. at least that's what I've been told!
So well see what the future brings me!
Good luck on whatever you choose to do......so sorry youre going through this crap with your mom. She shouldn't be doing this. :(