STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Lisa Simpson · Nine West

My descent into madness... help, long

Kincali · Dooney & Bourke

LS, I don't think this is something that will pass. I think fear of being alone and having to find someone else is holding you back. Thank of the life you could be having, with a partner that will not only adore you(and you him!)but be supportive when you need it. I promise you will find it. *hugs*

Suasoria · Chanel

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't changed since the last time you spoke about it. Have you ever brought up couples counseling?

Having been in a seven-year relationship you must know that it doesn't get easier to leave as time goes by, and two years isn't such a huge investment that you can't create a new life for yourself.

Most of what you list under "However" is the surface-level stuff, not the key ingredients to a healthy, successful, satisfying relationship. Good chemistry, flattery, fear of dating or fear of being alone aren't reasons to keep someone in your life and stay in a relationship. There must be more meaningful things holding you together.

I want you to love yourself, get "unstuck" in this reality, and create a new one for yourself. Whether that is with him or not isn't for me to say...but once you do the work to get yourself to that point, what you want will be so, so clear.

NCshopper · Hermes

I totally agree with Kincali and Suasoria. Did you notice that the reasons you listed under "however" have nothing to do with him? In my opinion, although it's probably terribly scary, these aren't good reasons for staying with him. And as long as you're with him, you're missing out on the chance to meet someone else who is everything you want and deserve. You know this--it's not rocket science. It sounds like it's time for you to move on.

Boots · Gucci

I'm 36 and single. I may someday be 56 or 66 or 76 and still be single. Or I may meet the right guy tomorrow. I don't know. And that possible future is exciting. And I'd rather be excited about the future, than scared by it and take the safe option.

It sounds to me like you love him, but aren't really in love with him. At least that's how your post reads to me.

Only you know what you are really feeling and whether your relationship is worth fighting for. If it is, couples counseling might be a great option for you. If you don't see yourself with your SO in 5 or 10 years, maybe you should get out now so that both of you have the chance to find someone who will make you both happy. Each of you deserve to be loved by the person you love.

Good luck!

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

Hello!
I understand that you're in your early 30-s? I"m sorry for your frustration, but from what I gather - you have a clear reality picture, you're just indecisive...
I think I'd leave...I know it's easier said/written then done, but:
1. you have to do what's BEST for you.
2. good marriage is based on great relationship, friendship, mutual support, respect, common interests, you can't compromise all you ever wanted for a convenient present situation, which isn't very convenient: ( his financial/career situation, his goals or lack of such....).
3. hate to be on the market - isn't a reason to stay in the inert relationship.
4. "good chemistry" ( wink back) evaporates eventually with lack of respect which might grow based on his financial situation, being a woman/bread winner in the family
5. I 've seen a few ladies who came upon this age & whoever proposed- was welcome...the marriage usually isn't great...or long lasting...
6. You need to move on....& out...
YOu're great, accomplished & deserve a better life style & life partner! & YOu'll meet him, just give it time, don't work too hard for it...it happens when you least expect it.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Lisa Simpson wrote:
The longer we are together, the less I see us together for life.

I have to echo all said above. And just with the one sentence you wrote this says all. I don't think it would be fair to you, your SO and your family, potential children that you are knowingly going deeper potentially into marriage knowing you are not 100% into the idea.

All of your points you listed will eventually blow up to being big problems (no finances, bad credit, family hates him, no motivation, no vacations). It seems like even if you stick with it, things will eventually come to a head.

Since you guys started as friends it seems like maybe you are ending up there as well. I think its def time to reevaluate things. I have a friend who was in a relationship for 9 yrs with this guy and once she moved in with him decided it was not for her, although there was nothing "wrong" and he did nothing to her. It was a hard decision, she first moved out and into her family's house then found an apartment on her own. It is hard at times but she says she doesn't regret it and knows it wouldn't be fair to keep leading him on without her heart being into.

Good luck with whatever decisions you make. If you guys have known eachother for so long, maybe talking this out could be your first step.

Elle · Hermes

I agree with what the ladies have said above, as difficult as it is. My one additional thought sparked by Xtina's post is this - the longer you stay, the harder it is to leave.

If you leave now, it will be hard but you only have to find somewhere to live and continue on with your life for the most part. If you try to leave 10 or 15 years from now? You'd have to get a divorce, possibly deal with selling a house/splitting up your possesions, deal with custody of children/child support/visitation, deal with any debt he's accumulated, etc, etc, etc. Not to mention you'd have gone through however many months/years of the downward spiral before actually leaving.

I think you know it's not right. It's not fair to either of you to drag it out - you both have different goals in life, and neither of you should have to compromise them this greatly for a relationship.

Metric · Gucci

Ok, hi, its me. I can't remember my other log in. Just wanted to give you an update as to whats going on with us.

After I posted I told SO I was leaving. We ended up having a massive dialog about us and our life and everything. We literally brought out everything. I was pretty intent on leaving but he begged me to stay, to give him another chance.

We had a session with a counceller and it went great. In addition to that, SO got help for his drinking and he has been sober for over a week now, he is like a completely different (and awesome) person. We've been working out together and spending time together.

So far so good. I'm a little worried that he's trying so hard he might burn out, but for now things are doing good.

The only bad part was I went to my mom for advice and she said that whatever I decide she support me. When I told her went started councelling and SO got help for drinking she said "people don't change". Now things are really tense between us. cry

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate having you girls to go to.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Metric wrote:
When I told her went started councelling and SO got help for drinking she said "people don't change". Now things are really tense between us.

Thanks for all the advice. I really appreciate having you girls to go to.

I'm glad things are working out better! Counseling can help lots.

As far as the above statement, I don't quite understand why that would cause tension. Is it because you don't think she's being supportive of you staying with him?

In my experience I don't believe that people change for other people. They will temporarily be on good behavior and become their old selves in the end. HOWEVER they can change for themselves, if they truely want it, they will..

Good luck with everything.

small fry · Chanel

Iam glad to hear things are going better.

Suasoria · Chanel

Metric wrote:

The only bad part was I went to my mom for advice and she said that whatever I decide she support me. When I told her went started councelling and SO got help for drinking she said "people don't change". Now things are really tense between us.

"Whatever you decide I'll support you, unless you decide to stay with him."

Gee, thanks, Mom. <eyeroll>

The only thing I want to add is that I hope the counselor also addresses what's been going on with you. Your BF is not the only one who needs to make progress. You have been in this relationship for a while now, not having your needs met, and it's a good time to figure out why you've accepted that and how you can be different in the future.

I thought marriage counseling was helpful for providing us with a much larger array of communication tools. It's totally cliche, but good communication is critical. Being able to articulate what you want from your partner, in a way that's sensitive and productive, goes a long long way to getting it.

Tati · Chanel

XtinaStyles wrote:

In my experience I don't believe that people change for other people. They will temporarily be on good behavior and become their old selves in the end. HOWEVER they can change for themselves, if they truely want it, they will..

Ditto!

and I'm sure you might know this already....but you don't tell your parents your business with your SO. Unless it's really over, that's different.
I've learned from experience too.
But if it works out between you two, in time, she'll get over it. As a mom, shes just scared that you'll get hurt again. Scared that he won't change. She's just being a mom. Sounds like she's trying to be supportive, but when she heard you are giving him a chance, I'm sure it shocked her. She just has her girl in mind, I'm sure.
focus on yourself and your relationship. I wish you well!

blink · Coach

Metric wrote:

she said "people don't change". Now things are really tense between us.

Your mom is just replying with her experience. Most of the time, people don't change. You are giving your boyfriend a chance to prove he is the exception and this decision is admirable.

I am getting divorced and would have been married 10 years this June. Our issues were different than yours, as he was abusive, full of contempt for me and neglectful. But my DH was great at demonstrating change temporarily, only to go back to the same old things. He never changed and I couldn't wait another 10 years. I finally gave up on him and it's scary, but I have never felt so right.

So if my best friend were to tell me the same things you have told your mother, I would almost say the same thing...because it may sound cynical, but it's what has happened to me and I don't want anyone to waste their heart for so long as I have.

Yana · Dooney & Bourke

Hello, ladies!
I have to agree with Blink ( to Blink - I'm so sorry that you had to endure abusive relationship for such a long time! I wish you best of luck & good for you for taking control over your life!)

To Metric - I have to agree: people don't change. Personally, I don't believe in couples' therapy, from what I mostly hear - it's a polite way to agree with psychologist/therapist, you nod, you reveal feelings, issues & you do exercises that your therapist suggests for a while...& then let's face it: it all returns back...sooner or later, you can't change a person unless he's a toddler ( & even they have their ways). You have to see his side of the story as well: he'd work hard on it, because he didn't see it coming, he thought everything worked well, untill you faced him with the facts....so, for the time being, he'll do anything to save himself as well, he seemed to be comfortable in your relationship & didn't want to change much...

My teacher once told us & I completely agree: you don't enter into relationship/marriage with the thought "I'll change him/her" - you take the person ( or don't) as he/she is.

It's a lot of courage to do what you do to save the relationship! However, i'm afraid that you might work too hard for nothing...I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but it's a forum & you wanted opinions...

Nonetheless, I wish you much luck & LOVE!