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Post Info TOPIC: putting the words out there
Dizzy


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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putting the words out there
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First, please don't be embarrassed. It will only force you to isolate yourself more, and that will lead you to depend on him more. I've done this too. There is something about being vulnerable that traps you in a cycle, and that, in turn attracts people who know they can get away with hurting you, and eventually it is incredible how much can happen to one person. The only way out, unfortunately, is to refuse to be embarrassed about ANYTHING. Just love yourself.

You've done an incredible job with your life and your son. You had evidence to believe this guy could get it together. You took no untoward actions. The guy just sort of caved out from under you, like sand, and the only thing you could do was keep going. It all made sense at the time, and anyone would have done the same thing in your position. Forgive yourself. Keep going. You have to get out of there.

For your situation right now:

1) Stop trying to figure out what's going on with the other girl. Just accept that she has provided you with what seems like two vital pieces of information - she really hates this guy, and yet she is still involved with him. You don't want to end up like her. So, you have to stop being emotionally engaged with this guy. And you have to get away from him. He clearly pulled a bait and switch on you. Probably he didn't mean to do it. Probably he thinks he has reasons for changing. Whatever. He encouraged you to take steps that were not in your best interest, and is willing to excuse hurting you. Get. Away. It will never get back to what it was before you moved in together. It just won't.

2) He is going to make it difficult. He is going to tell you, "We are GREAT. This can WORK." Then he is going to let you down. Again. You may fall for it a few more times. (I certainly have). Don't worry about it. Just try to keep loving yourself and your son. Just keep leaving this guy, and looking out for yourself, until it sticks.

3) I don't think it is possible for one person to handle an autistic boy who is heading into middle school. I think you need a lawyer, and some support. The state is going to have to step up. Maybe even your husband and/or his family are going to have to step up. Sue the state. Sue him. Sue them. Sue anyone. There are free legal services available even in a good economy, and right now there are tons of lawyers who can't get work and are doing pro bono for experience. It will never be easier to find free legal advice than it is right now. You need a lawyer to start fighting for your rights. You need anyone, to be honest. Try your local bar association, here in DC they can refer you not only to a lawyer, but to appropriate social services. I realize things may not be so organized in the midwest. If you call and can't get help, I swear, call your local paper. Just get the name of a female reporter, call her, and ask for referrals. I used to do it all the time when I worked for the paper. It might help to flatter the reporter, "I knew you'd know more than anyone about this..." but you probably don't even have to o that. People will want to help you, if they can.

4) Unfortunately, not all people will help. Especially in the midwest, some people will freak out and try to put blame on you for your situation. Please ignore anyone who says anything but, "You are a wonderful woman, and you and your son deserve help." Really. Anything but that sentiment is bullshit.

Hugs sweetheart. I am PMing you my phone number.

PS - Don't be worried about the financial disparity. It is just a distraction. He asked you to move in with him, so he bears some responsibility for your situation. He can buy some extra groceries. Only a monster would begrudge assistance to a struggling single mother and her autistic son. His family is right to be kind to you, too. It's only what's right. You're sweet not to assume anything, but they are lucky to know you. They are probably hoping you'll help their son get it together, to be honest. Just keep being you, stay unemotional and take care of yourself. 






-- Edited by Dizzy on Wednesday 29th of April 2009 09:30:44 PM

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Sibeski


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 917
Date:
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D wrote:

that really sucks.  goes to show you don't really know someone until you live with them.

I think everyone else gave good advice. nothing to add, but hang in there -- you will overcome this.


I totally agree with D. 
In addition I think you are a fantastic mom!  You work really hard for your boy - we are all aware of that.  You are neither an idiot or an embarrassment.  You are an amazing woman who can and will take care of your family. 

 



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Curve: The loveliest distance between two points. ~Mae West
Yana


Dooney & Bourke

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Posts: 632
Date:
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Hi, Leah!
1st of all - you're not an idiot...at all. Since you've already hit the post button & it's here - it requires responses, right?
We don't know each other, but it seems to me that you took the time to write this story of yours becuase you have no other close person to talk. YOU're a courageous woman & an independent one & you seem like you completely realize your situation, but just feel that it will be impolite to abrupt a few things.
I think you MUST RUN, you're not married ( fortunately), the situation &t he guy won't change for the better. Just LEAVE, what matters & should matter now is your son & you, not how impolite it might look to the boyfriend & his family. Take care of yourself & your son,  LEAVE ASAP.




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YanaK
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