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Post Info TOPIC: putting the words out there


Marc Jacobs

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putting the words out there
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-- Edited by leah_leanna on Sunday 25th of July 2010 05:32:30 PM

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Marc Jacobs

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Ugh! Why did I hit post?!? I feel like an idiot and I feel like anyone reading this will think so also. Ugh!!!

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Kenneth Cole

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Hey Leah,
I saw this and didn't want to not respond -- I don't have time to address your concerns now, but I don't think you're an idiot AT ALL! You're brave to put your thoughts and actions out there, and I'm sure we'll all come up with great options for you! I'll write more later.


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Chanel

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No worries! That's what we are all here for! and you're not an idiot! Far from that! EVERYONE makes mistakes and you just gotta grow, and learn from them and move on. It may take you some time and you might be in a crappy situtation till then, but there is a light at the end of your tunnel? wanna know why? Because you've done it before and so that means you can do it again. Great thing is, is that you'll do it even better this time! Falling down once, will keep your mind and eyes open for you not to fall again!!!!
Just in the meantime, take care of yourself and your boy. You will get out of this situation. You will!

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Kenneth Cole

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I don't think you're an idiot. I'm a single mom too so I totally understand. I have two kids, ages 3 and 4 and it has NOT been easy, to put it mildly. 

We all make mistakes and we all find ourselves in some not so great situation sometimes. It doesn't do any good to beat yourself up over it, just figure out what you need to do to make things better again and start doing that. 

Can you afford a small efficiency right now? Even if you just signed a 6 month lease it sounds like it would be better than where you are at right now. 

I wouldn't worry about the bond with your son too much. You can gradually ease your way out of that and kids are tougher then we give them credit for. 

You are strong and you can get yourself out of this. Just figure out what is the best situation for you and your son and figure out what you need to do to get there. Single moms have strength in them most people would be in awe of. Trust me. You can handle this, you're stronger and smarter than you are giving yourself credit for. :)


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Gucci

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I'm so sorry to read this. I can completely tell that you are in that place where everything seems so difficult and the "stuck" feeling will never end. All I can say is that it will get better. You know what you need and just having a goal to work towards will help that "stuck" feeling go away.

It sounds like your guy needs to grow up and move out of his parents' garage, not just for you and your son's sake but because it's time to stand on his own. There's nothing wrong with working for a family business, but you need a break from family sometimes too. Parents will always treat you like a kid no matter what (I'm only 5 years old according to my parents, but most people see me as a very capable 36 year old woman. Go figure.) I've noticed that being around parents can make even the most well adjusted adult revert back to being a kid. Maybe that explains why your guy seemed one way when he was visiting you and act completely different when you moved in with him.

You need to tell your guy exactly what you need for him to do to make your relationship work. If he's willing to make the changes, then great. If he's not, then you need to make sure that living on your own with your son is a financial possibility.

And in no way are you an idiot!  You recognize a problem and want to fix it.  That makes you smart.  Don't beat yourself up. Good luck.


-- Edited by Boots on Monday 20th of April 2009 02:19:21 PM

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Coach

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You are not an idiot!

From what I remember, you were very conscientious and really took things slow with this guy in the beginning. Nobody has a crystal ball to tell us if things in relationships will turn out the way we hoped. You had been single and independent for a while, so the timing seemed right. Then you had known him for so long and already had trust established, so you gave it a shot and took a risk.  It's not as though you had screaming red flags going in to this, all of your plans sounded okay. Now your boyfriend is showing who he really is, and the true test of a man is when he's under pressure and in crisis. So maybe you can look at it that way, at least you figured this out about him sooner rather than later, you don't have years and years invested in the relationship. It wasn't so long ago that you got on your own feet under tremendous hardships, so even though it sucks, I know you'll bounce back.

And also, I think it's really okay that you let your son bond with him. I am firm believer that boys need relationships with men they can trust. I am sure that the masculine bond has been of benefit to him in the long run, even though he will miss him if you two split up.

I have no advice for how to go on cohabitating with a guy you aren't in love with. Just take it day by day, you'll get there.

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Marc Jacobs

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leah_leanna wrote:

 

I just don't know what to do relationship-wise...how do you live with someone you are falling out of love with?

 


I've done it, it is not easy but considering all of the challenges you've faced, it will be a small one.  Don't feel like an idiot.  We've all been there.

Do you think that its the living situation that is killing the relationship or is there hope if you just move out?  Have you considered all 3 of you moving to a bigger space?  Or are you just so turned off at this point? (which, I wouldn't blame you)

 



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Kate Spade

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Aw hon.  I feel bad that you are going through all this.    Could you move back to Ohio?  I know the job market isn't great here but the cost of living is lower than in Pennsylvania.  Do you have family or a friend you could lean on to get back on your feet?  

Don't feel bad about yourself.  You are a good person and it is evident you are doing the best you can.  We are always here if you need to talk! 



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Nine West

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I am so sorry you are going through this.  Having been in a similar situation, I can tell you from experience, the most important thing for you to do is to keep your focus on the things that mean the most to you.  Your son; your security.  You need to make a plan and then start to work it.  In the meantime, do not allow your circumstances to compromise those things that you hold dear.  Do not allow him to manipulate you, which is exactly what he is doing when he is moody and petulant.  You are a smart, sweet, deserving person, and you should not be treated this way.  If he was worthy, he would be figuring out how to make your situation better.  Since he is not, it is now up to you. 

Ohio will always welcome you back.  If you need any contacts in the central Ohio area, PM me. 

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Chanel

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(((Hugs))) I also don't have time to reply in depth, but I'm so glad you've posted this. There are so many people here who love you and care about you!

What occurs to me based on your posts in the past, I think you would kick yourself for not having tried this out. I'm sure whatever has happened is leading ultimately to growth.

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Chanel

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Oh honey Iam sorry, things will get better bc you are a strong women. I will post more later I took a sleeping pill and its has taken effect


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Hermes

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Oh, hon, I'm sorry to that you're going through all of this.

First off, don't beat yourself about this. You've done everything right and like blink said, there were no red flags in the beginning, so there's no way you could have known.

Second, do you feel safe staying there for now while you save up? If not, obviously, get out now, even if you have to go into some debt to move. There are plenty of resources out there to get you and your son out of a bad situation.

Third, I know you feel bad about eventually having to break the bond that your son has established with this man, but don't beat yourself up about that either. It's great that your son has bonded with him and from the little I know about autism, it's not an easy thing for that to happen. But, long term, do you want this guy to be the role model/father figure for your son? It doesn't sound like it to me.

I really feel for you. I know you've been through a lot already and I hate that you're dealing with more crap. You're an incredibly strong and brave woman; you can do this.

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Chanel

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Oh no! (((((HUGS))))) I'm sorry you're going through this mess.

You are NOT an idiot. We all do things we wish we hadn't, but that doesn't make you an idiot. It makes you human.

Do you have any family you could stay with (I remember you mentioning a sister in Philly on Facebook)? Your current living situation sounds extraordinarily frustrating, so maybe if you can swing it to get out of that, things will improve. Like others have said, there are lots of resources out there where you can get help otherwise.

Please keep us posted and don't be afraid to post on the forums here.




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Marc Jacobs

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-- Edited by leah_leanna on Sunday 25th of July 2010 05:33:42 PM

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...High expecations are such trouble-makers...

http://www.confessionsofthecaffeinated.blogspot.com



Chanel

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please don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a idiot, in fact you area a brave and strong women from what I got to know of you.  Try and talk to him tell how you feel,let  him know that you three need to move out and have some space from his parents. If he is not willing to do this with you, tell him you have to move on to provide a postive and safe life for you and your son. Keep us posted

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Kate Spade

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I agree with small fry, try not to be so hard on yourself. You did what you did because you saw something in someone and believe in the person he could be and the happiness he could bring you and your son. There is nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn't feel like any less of a woman. You were trying to find yourself the happiness you deserve, and you did nothing wrong. You can't let someone else's actions reflect on who you are as a person. You will get through this, you are very strong.

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Dooney & Bourke

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(((hugsss))) for you and your sweet son. all i can say is hang in there, tomorrow will be a better day. we're all thinking of you. i hope everything works out and things take a turn for the better.

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Hermes

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that really sucks.  goes to show you don't really know someone until you live with them.

I think everyone else gave good advice. nothing to add, but hang in there -- you will overcome this.

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Chanel

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Honestly? Sometimes I wish my HUSBAND was "the weekend guy...in on Saturday, out on Sunday...hanging out and having a good time but leaving my life the way I want it."

And nobody who's in a relationship doesn't have in-law issues to one degree or another. Family businesses indeed make things really complicated.

All that said, you are ABSOLUTELY entitled to more than what you're getting out of this relationship. I hope you can manage to move back home someway, somehow, even borrow money for now. You haven't been away so long that you can't pick up your life again.

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