STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

itsapinkthing · Coach

how do you keep yourself in check, or...

Karina · Chanel

hmm... i have been w/ FH now 4 yrs and he has done things to betray my trust (no cheating though) ... i still catch myself going through his phone or email, not too often, but i still do it.. i guess it's just human nature. it's hard to trust people after your heart and trust have been broken. just as long as you're not psycho or following him, i think a little (little being the key word here) paranoia is totally normal.

itsapinkthing · Coach

funny Karina, a male frind of mine asked "do you check his speedometer?" I was like "no that would be crazy!"

I don't think anything I've done is psycho. He actually hs opened up to me when I felt this way and we talk through it. I know it frustrates him. I try to reassure him, in my mind it's because I love him more, not really trust him less. But that is such a jaded way of thinking isn't it?

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I was cheated on too, and it definitely wakes you up to how badly another person can hurt you. I wouldn't blame yourself or criticize yourself right now. I mean, sure, you wish you were a little more trusting, but this is where you are right now, and your husband obviously loves you, and you obviously can manage to give enough to keep a good relationship going.

Odds are, all that's going on is the fact that after ONE painful thing happens, it has to NOT happen thousands of times before you can feel secure again. And it's hard to rush this process. So every time you snoop and find nothing, you're really getting better. (Maybe the rush of finding out he's NOT cheating is also such a relief that it can be a hook too? But I don't know...)

Take care of yourself - and don't worry. I really believe that the only true nuts are the ones who think they're not...

itsapinkthing · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: Dizzy
"Odds are, all that's going on is the fact that after ONE painful thing happens, it has to NOT happen thousands of times before you can feel secure again. (Maybe the rush of finding out he's NOT cheating is also such a relief that it can be a hook too? But I don't know...)
."

Dizzy these are such GOOD points and I think very close to home, thanks!

Alikat · Kate Spade

I can be the same way.

I've had some "overlapping" relationships in the past, and now I feel paranoid at times for no reason. I think I was disappointed in myself, and now I know that its possible for anyone to be dishonest, even without meaning to be hurting anyone.

My boyfriend has had a very similar past, and he can be jealous sometimes for no reason.

I just try and think rationally, and say would he do anything to hurt me - no, and I try to think about what kind of person he is.

blubirde · Chanel

I have a friend in a similar situation. Her boyfriend is the most loyal, trustworthy guy, but she gets insanely jealous and paranoid over the littlest things. At first I thought if she got reassured when she was in one of jealous rages, she would see how great he really was. But it just hasn't happened. I think her jealousy and paranoia could potentially be the end of their relationship, just because she can't get a grip on herself or the reality of the situation. I couldn't be in a relationship where the other person didn't trust me, regardless of their past situation. (And I, too, have trust issues but that's why I'm tenative to trust someone at the beginning. Once I do, though, I do, wholely and completely. And it's scary, but it's the only way and reason to make things work.)

Have you considered counseling? I know you said you've already gone once before (and I applaud you for that) but trust is sooo fundamental to our relationships that I don't think it should be taken lightly.

Could you be subconciously hoping to find him cheating? A self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing? I just think you're treading on dangerous ground and should do everything in your power (for your sake, not just his) to get to the root of your trust issues.

I hope things work out!

atlgirl · Gucci

You're not crazy - you've been badly burned and hurt, and it's logical that you would be hesitant about going through that again.

It sounds like you may not have had enough time before getting married, to really feel completely comfortable with your husband, due to that quick courtship. I've been married for five years (last Friday!) and can tell you that things are very different now (our trust levels for each other) than even when we first got married, and we'd dated for nearly two years before that.

I used to worry that everywhere my husband went (without me) business trip, darts at the bar, golf - that he'd find some other, better girl, and leave me. But now I don't have those worries any more - we have been through a lot together in our (nearly) seven years, and I trust him. I knew in my head that he was trustworthy when I met him, when I married him...but my heart took longer to be sure. It will happen for you, too - but it does take time.

I'm so glad you have such a special partner to care for you now, after what you (and your daughter) have been through, and I hope you are able to get past this soon and start *really* enjoying your relationship, instead of having that nagging worry stressing you all the time.

itsapinkthing · Coach

Thanks really everyone. I haddly ever take issue with him because I do *know* he is trust worthty. I *know* he would never intentionally hurt me. And no matter what diluted scenerios I play out in my mind I KNOW he is loyal.

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

First I just want to say that I love hearing about stories like this. I had a cheating boyfriend and finally got the guts to kick him to the curb. This gives me confidence that one of these days I will find a guy who will be good to me and love me unconditionally.

I agree with everyone that this does take time and just the fact that you are making progress is a good sign. I hope that you can began to fully trust him which i think will make your relationship stronger than ever.