STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

blubirde · Chanel

I love my family but geez, the bad choices...

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

Mike and I are going through something similar with his oldest niece who was just kicked out of school for skipping too many days in a row. It started last summer when she started dating a real winner and decided that she didn't like her parents rules and wanted to have sex plus this winner guy has a car (Awesome I know). So she moved out and is living with her grandma who isn't the best influence and still seeing this guy. Thus the skipping and being kicked out of school. We are waiting for the pregnancy announcement because it's bound to be coming soon.

So no real advice but I totally get the frustration and how you want to yell what the heck are you thinking at them and lecture them. Unfortunately it will go in one ear and out the other as we have learned. All you can do is be glad it's them and not you and be there if they need some help if you want to go that route.

FashionPrincess · Hermes

Unfortunately I don't think there is that much you can do. I mean he obviously knows how you feel since he's avoiding your calls. I say just be there for him however you can be, he'll learn thru this process and hopefully come thru a better person. At least he's taking responsibility (or so it seems). It does suck though when you see someone you love making choices that maybe they shouldn't be making (see my vent in general chat :) ) but all we can do is at best voice our opinion in a tactful manner and then keep on loving them no matter what decision they make.

Tati · Chanel

Ditto on what FP said. He knows they messed up, no point in reminding him. They just have to look foward.

I got pregnant at 17....been there, done that.

Suasoria · Chanel

Yes, things will be difficult for them being so young, but if you can't be happy for them, I'd stay mute for now. Think of it this way - your nephew didn't have the easiest, most care-free childhood. Why wouldn't he look on this as an opportunity to love a child the way he always wanted to be loved? He might actually be a good father given his life experience. There is something redeeming in this, I know there is.

Honestly there are so many similar stories in my extended family, I wouldn't know where to start. The cousin who left her husband and two small children to run off with her drug dealer? The other cousin who's had four meth-addicted babies and she's not even 30? My cousin's 14-year-old stepdaughter who is so upset that her parents had to move for a job that she runs away from home for weeks at a time and goes back to her old neighborhood? Another cousin's kid who had a baby at 15? I won't even go into the cousins who have done time, are doing time, or are dead...

I just love them as best I can.

blink · Coach

Aw...I understand your frustration. I can tell you want better for that nephew. It just happens this way sometimes. As a mother, although I agree that having a child at such a young age in this culture isn't ideal, I think having a baby is a tremendous blessing. If your nephew and his girlfriend are happy about having a child together, even in difficult circumstances, there is no reason you should not be too.

My suggestion is to open your heart and offer love and emotional support. Babies are truly the best reason to get one's life together and shouldn't be regarded as a bad choice. The finances have a way of working themselves out, there is government assistance too, and it is their business to worry about. Should any other supportive family member wish to help them out in that regard, that is also their business. It may seem unfair that your nephew should get any handouts for his poor choices, but not everybody takes the same path and sometimes certain people do need help more than others.

...okay, yes, I am a bleeding heart...

blubirde · Chanel

Ahhhh.... I wish I'd read everyone's comments before I talked to him last night.

He called me back and I'm pretty sure I came across like an asshole. I told him I wasn't trying to be but I didn't want to tell him things other people might not tell him - like he doesn't have to get married if he's not sure (they've only been dating a few months). Luckily they're waiting until after the baby is born to deal with that issue. And it's not that I want him to walk away from his responsibilities or anything, but he's the product of divorced parents and I think he knows, more than anyone, what unhappy marriages can do to children.

I also asked a lot of questions. I asked him if he was happy or upset when he found out, what he thought about being a dad, where were they going to live once the baby was born, etc., etc., etc. As a typical teenager his response to most things was "I dunno." He also said I asked too many questions. I suggested he didn't ask enough.

I asked him if he wanted to be a dad and he said he didn't have a choice. It was sad.

I also asked him what his dad (my brother) said when he told him. He said my brother was happy about it. I told him his father was an idiot and to learn from his mistakes. (This part was kind of joke and he laughed.)

*sigh* The only positive thing I could tell him was that I wish him and his gf luck. What else could I say?

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

Well maybe your questions to him will help him start thinking about the answers that he didn't seem to have for you.

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

I dont think you really need to say anything else, I think you can show him by your actions that you love him and want to be there for him.

He and his GF are going to need alot of help - I cant even imagine how scary that must be to be that age and be faced with having a child - so anything you can do to show them love and help will really go a long way.

besides , you get to welcome a new baby into your family and that is a huge blessing!

sydney · Kate Spade

You can't control the action of others, only yourself, so I say don't worry about it too much and be supportive

gingembre1 · Kate Spade

I think you asked a lot of good questions that SOMEONE should be asking. And I think that even if he thinks you're being an a-hole, if no one else will step up to the plate and ask the difficult questions, well, it's a good thing he has you. And I think he'll thank you for it in the end. I also think that you are showing your love and support of him by talking about it, and being willing to bring the tough questions out into the open.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

blubirdie, I think you handled the situation well, you were the only one with guts enough to express fear and concern. These are things he should be thinking about, and its nice to see that he seems to be making SOME good choices. He is lucky to have you in his life for some tough love and guidance.

nunzi182 · Kate Spade

I don't think you were rude, and I think you asked the right questions that show you care and are thinking about his future.