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Post Info TOPIC: Your SO's Best Friend


Gucci

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Your SO's Best Friend
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Does your SO have a best guy friend? Do you get along with them? Do you get along with BFF's wife or girlfriend?

My story has the potential to come off as rude... sorry. I guess its partly a rant as well.

I'm not my So's BFF's biggest fan. They have been BFF's since they were 6 so I know he's always going the be a part of our life but..... F^&*k he drives me craaaaazy. He and SO are so different, I don't understand how they are even friends.

SO is very metro and BFF is stereotypical, redneck "white trash". SO, myself, BFF and BFF's girlfriend all grew up together in a poor area. SO and I (even before we were together) had to get out and make a better life for ourselves out of the poor neighborhood. BFF and his girlfriend don't seem to want to and I guess I just don't get that. They don't aspired to be anything and don't work hard to make good lives for themselves.

Recently, BFF started dating his new girlfriend (I'll call her S). They reconnected through Facebook and BFF invited her to our New Years Eve party. S came and brought her husband (!) so BFF got mad and left. Then S got so drunk she threw up on my livingroom floor. Seriously, it was an absolutely ridiculous amount of stupid drama. A few weeks later S left her husband for BFF and now they are together. I don't like her- I think she is not very intelligent, has really bad manners and very trashy. I don't have anything in common with them- they both have kids, we don't; they both live with their parents at almost 30; they don't travel or anything like we do. They don't read or watch movies or anything that we are interested in.

As much as I don't like BFF I can tolerate him in small doses. He can be a nice person when he tries, which isn't often. I just can't imagine myself doing "couple dates" with S and BFF. I don't have anything in common with them and I just don't like her, as bratty as that sounds. I don't want to hang out with them but I also don't want to put my SO in an awkward position or make it seem like I'm "forcing" him to not hang out with his BFF.

Feel free to tell me if I'm being a turbo bitch. What's it like with your SO's best friend?

-- Edited by Metric at 13:58, 2009-02-25

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Hermes

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Aw. Helllllll. Noooooooooooo. I would not be hanging out with them!  If I were in that situation, SO could do whatever he wanted with his BFF outside the house but I would not be joining them and they would not be welcome for any length of time in my home.

Life is too short to tolerate rude/dramatic behavior when you don't absolutely have to, and I don't think you have any obligation to do so here.

What does your SO think about BF's behavior?  Does he say that's just 'the way he is'?

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Chanel

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Ditto on what Elle said!

DITTO!!!!!!

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Hermes

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yeah, I remember the party puker.

my husband's "best friend" is really stupid and unsophisticated. they used to go to the bars together when my husband first moved to Michigan straight out of college.  I find it difficult to hang out with him, but I grin and bear it.  we don't hang out very much, and my husband maintains the friendship because I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his feelings, even though he knows they are on two totally different levels.  I rarely go with my husband to meet up with the guy anymore.

I have actually encouraged my friend Gary and my husband to hang out together without me - they have similar taste in music, similar education level, etc.  my husband is a major introvert, so he pretty much depends on me for all of his social interaction...

do you think you could get your boyfriend to mostly only see the guy on his own and out of your place? this way you don't have to come along...



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Chanel

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I mostly love my DH's BFF, but neither of us can stand the BFF's SO. They've only been together a couple of years. We find her obnoxious, fake, and way too "Hollywood." Unfortunately the BFF is changing and becoming more like her, instead of her becoming more like he is, laid-back and intellectual. So now we don't really want to hang out with either of them much. They live an hour or so away, so that makes it more comfortable than your situation!

I mostly agree with Elle - there's no way I would have her in my home after that disaster, and DH can have the social contact he feels up for outside the house.

If you do take a stab at a couple date, though, they might realize they don't have anything in common with you either. Then the problem will be solved. People grow and change and so do friendships.


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Chanel

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Hmmm.... maybe invite them to a "couple date" to a gallery opening or a book signing or something else completely unlike them? That might solve the double date situation!

As for not liking the SO's BFF, I can sort of understand where you're coming from. I like my SO's BFF but his wife is trying, to say the least. My SO doesn't like her a ton either and is big on the boys doing stuff together, so it's hardly ever an issue. He did have one BFF when we first started dating that I never met but immediately disliked based on the stories SO told me about him (trust - bad guy). Luckily SO agreed with me - although I made a HUGE effort to never express my negative opinion because he wasn't my friend, ya know? but I'm sure SO could tell what I thought.

Is there any way you can tell your SO that the BFF is not your most favorite person in the world? Without hurting his feelings, that is? I wouldn't go so far as to refuse to hang out with him, because as much as you dislike him, he's still your SO's friend and you respect SO (I assume!). But maybe you could let him know you'd like to avoid unnecessary complications (perhaps using the new girlfriend as the reason?). Can you encourage him to hang out with the BFF on his own? Who knows - by avoiding a person you dislike you might when cool GF points by encouraging boys nights.

Oh and you're not being a bitch at all. It's completely reasonable to dislike people, for pretty much any reason (or is that just me?), but based on what you're saying, I'm with Elle. Hopefully if you subtly try to lessen interaction, they might grow apart naturally, especially if they're as different as you describe.

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Kate Spade

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My BF's ex-BFF, R, is an ass. He was so arrogant and selfish, I couldn't stand him. He had/has lots of problems, too. I was civil to him when we had to be together, but I went out of my way to make sure that didn't happen often. I told BF how I felt and why, and he understood. I didn't say that I didn't want him to see R anymore-- they hung out "just the boys" and that worked well for us. I think he just didn't want to let the friendship go, because they had known each other since jr high. One day BF had enough of R's ways and stopped calling him. They lost touch and now they hardly, if ever, speak. BF met his current BFF, M, through R. I adore M... he's a great guy. M has a gf, B, and I adore her too. B is one of my closest friends, and we all hang out regularly.

You are definitely not being a turbo bitch! I think you should make sure that your BF knows how you feel about his BFF and his GF. Suggest that the boys hang out somewhere that you will not be. When they want to do couple dates, be "busy." Hey, it's not your fault you're so popular that your social calander is filled through Memorial Day! wink.gif

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Marc Jacobs

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Metric wrote:




Recently, BFF started dating his new girlfriend (I'll call her S). They reconnected through Facebook and BFF invited her to our New Years Eve party. S came and brought her husband (!) so BFF got mad and left. Then S got so drunk she threw up on my livingroom floor.
-- Edited by Metric at 13:58, 2009-02-25



OMG, well that is really tacky!

I am my husbands BF,  but his best guy friend is really great. They have been friends since they were 8, and they have been through alot together - they are very different in many ways and in some they are very similiar. 


 



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Dooney & Bourke

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I actually like my SO's BF and he likes mine.  Im glad we both have other friends that we are close with - it helps our relationship stay fresh.

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Nine West

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My DH's best friend also works with him, so they see each other all the time. His friend, we'll call him Ed, comes over to our house once in a while on the weekends and they watch sports together. I wouldn't say I'd be especially thrilled if it happened more often, but he's OK...I usually sit with them for a little while and then I give them some food and go on doing whatever it was I was doing before Ed showed up. The problem is Ed's wife (which is also the reason that Ed comes here rather than DH going to their house). Neither Dh nor I like her, as she is soooooooo boring and likes to monopolize the conversation. Ed brought her over with him on a couple of Sundays, and it was outright awful. Finally DH (bless him) told Ed that I often needed to catch up on paperwork on Sundays, so I wasn't usually free to spend time with Ed's wife...Several times when Ed has been over here, I have been going out with my best friend and another friend to shop or just sit around and talk; he asked a lot of questions, I thought, about what we did, how we knew each other, etc. Then last week, if you can believe it, he called and asked me if I would mind inviting his wife to come along the next time my friends and I were getting together. He said she doesn't have many friends and is lonely, and he would take it as a favor. Yikes. I can't imagine anything worse. I said to leave it with me (by which I think I meant just leave it). DH said Ed asked him about it the next day, wondering when my friends and I were getting together next. I don't mean to be mean to her, but what do you think of the whole thing? Isn't it weird for Ed to ask something like that? Soooooooo awkward.

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Kate Spade

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nightshade wrote:

My DH's best friend also works with him, so they see each other all the time. His friend, we'll call him Ed, comes over to our house once in a while on the weekends and they watch sports together. I wouldn't say I'd be especially thrilled if it happened more often, but he's OK...I usually sit with them for a little while and then I give them some food and go on doing whatever it was I was doing before Ed showed up. The problem is Ed's wife (which is also the reason that Ed comes here rather than DH going to their house). Neither Dh nor I like her, as she is soooooooo boring and likes to monopolize the conversation. Ed brought her over with him on a couple of Sundays, and it was outright awful. Finally DH (bless him) told Ed that I often needed to catch up on paperwork on Sundays, so I wasn't usually free to spend time with Ed's wife...Several times when Ed has been over here, I have been going out with my best friend and another friend to shop or just sit around and talk; he asked a lot of questions, I thought, about what we did, how we knew each other, etc. Then last week, if you can believe it, he called and asked me if I would mind inviting his wife to come along the next time my friends and I were getting together. He said she doesn't have many friends and is lonely, and he would take it as a favor. Yikes. I can't imagine anything worse. I said to leave it with me (by which I think I meant just leave it). DH said Ed asked him about it the next day, wondering when my friends and I were getting together next. I don't mean to be mean to her, but what do you think of the whole thing? Isn't it weird for Ed to ask something like that? Soooooooo awkward.


Oooh, I feel for you.  I dont think it was weird for Ed to ask - he's got his wife's interests in his heart., but that doesn't help YOU.  If you can handle it, it might be a nice geasture, if not, then a polite excuse....



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Chanel

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Ouch, that is awkward, but I feel for her. Loneliness sucks. No wonder she monopolizes the conversation...she has no outlet!

It sounds like she needs more social experience to become less boring and less talkative. If you could stomach it once in a while I agree it would be a nice thing to do.

Maybe you and your friends could pretend it's a social makeover and train her how to be cool...then she could make her own friends.

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Nine West

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I was afraid you'd say that -- my conscience was already whispering to me. I do feel sorry for her in the abstract...maybe I'll run it by my friends and see what they think. Thanks for the input.

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Coach

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My husband's best friend is his brother. My husband was always popular as a kid, was a star football player in high school and college, got good grades become a lawyer and most notably married and amazing girl (me!) but his brother was never really good at sports, not very smart, and really just tagged along whether my husband liked it or not. BIL's fine, however he has major issues with being in my husband's shadow so he's always embellishing stories or trying to prove himself. Everyone's aware of the situation so we let it slide.

My husband's other best friend is a loud, cocky jerk. He is a perpetual liar and I think he's really insencure deep down. He's always talking about the latest house he bought which is an outright lie because I searched the property records in the county where he lives and he's never owned property. Or he bought an amazing boat, yet no one has ever actually seen it. At our wedding he was talking about all the money he makes (another lie) and my brilliant friend replied that she found it hard to believe because if he was that rich he would fix his bad teeth. Ha!

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Marc Jacobs

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Maybe you hate the best friend because he shares a side of your SO that you don't like? I hate my boyfriend's best friend. He's a lying, cheating, manipulative user who brags about things like: cheating in high school, cheating in college, cheating on girlfriends, cheating on his fiance, cheating at work, and cheating to make sure other people take the blame for his cheating. He's a shit, and I finally had to face up to the fact that my boyfriend sees nothing wrong with a lot of behavior that horrifies me. That, in turn has led to a lot of soul searching. I love him, but, "Don't defraud the government..." is a basic value for me. My boyfriend is more like, "I wouldn't do it, but whatevs..."

It sounds like your values are hugely different from your boyfriend's friend, and that makes it sound like maybe they're at least a little more different from your boyfriend's than is entirely comfortable for you. That's exhausting, and when your boyfriend hangs out with this guy, it would make feel very alone.

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Marc Jacobs

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DH had one friend who I could not stand. After one particularly bad evening, when we left their place DH asked me if friend was always that bad. I said yes. We haven't seen them since (probably 7 years).

The rest of DHs close friends I really like. When they come to visit, I enjoy talking with them even if DH isn't around. I like their wives, girlfriends, etc too. In fact were are having 2 couples over this weekend, and I am actually really looking forward to it!

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