STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Hermes

single women kissing people on the lips that they just met

blink · Coach

I'm with you.

I wouldn't make out with a guy I just met at a bar, unless I was just trashed, in which case, I think it's entirely appropriate for a good girl friend to swoop in and save me from that situation!

I am not opposed to a peck on the lips from a guy I just met though, that's cute.

Collette · Chanel

Ugh I've had that happend before too and it annoys the crap out of me. I always base what I'm going to say on how much my friends have had to drink. If I know for a fact they're tipsy or past tipsy I definately speak up right then and intervene knowing that they'll likely regret their actions as they sober up.
If they're sober then I just let them be and bring it up at a later point. I figure that speaking up at that point will only embaress them further and piss off both of you. But giving them a call the next day and telling them that their actions made you very uncomfortable and upset I think would be a better way to handle it.
We have to remember, just because we're friends with people doesn't mean we always share the same views/morals etc as them. That's ok but they do need to know that when you're out together their actions reflect on you as well.
Does this make sense?

Kelly · Hermes

I would definitely feel annoyed, especially if you're there with just her or in a small group. But if you go out with a larger group, like 4 or 5 of you, I think it's fine if someone strikes up a conversation with a stranger and breaks away from the group for a minute - that's how people meet new friends, you know? And while I personally wouldn't be making out with someone after 15 min, maybe that's what your friends are after? Maybe all they're interested in is getting him in bed. If not, I hope that your friends are wise enough to realize for themselves what kind of guy they're dealing with in that situation.

When you say something, do you walk up to them both and lay it out, or do you pull her away from him and mention it just to her? While I don't think anyone should be getting angry with you for just saying it outright (especially a third party - wth?) I do see how that could put everyone on the defensive.

Luv2Shop · Kate Spade

How old are these girls? I mean, sure, in High School/College this was a pretty common occurance for being out at a party or club. That's kind of what being out was all about at that age, finding a cute guy to make out with. But now, I can't even IMAGINE being out with my friends at our age and seeing them making out with a guy they just met an hour ago! I just think around age 24/25 your dignity and maturity should kick in and this wouldn't happen. Maybe a kiss at the end of a night where you met someone and spent the night hanging out with them, but not half hour later. I am with you on this one sister!!

Hermes

yes, it makes sense, Collette.

I feel as though if I don't say something, that it will progress further, then what do I do?

I do say something because I am hoping to help them avoid regrettable actions...

The first time it happened, it was the brother of her boyfriend's co-worker (had potential to get back to him since they all grew up together.)

Hermes

when this has happend, I was sitting right next to my girlfriend on both occasions. these guys approach and lay it on thick.

OK, here's another factor. Both of these women are in their early 40's, and the guys coming on to them are notably younger and very attractive. I always feel like they're trying to take advantage of a "cougar." Both of my friends smoke heavily and the smoking has not done them any favors in how aged they look...

-- Edited by D at 12:17, 2009-02-25

Kelly · Hermes

Yikes. That adds a wrench - both the fact that the one woman has a boyfriend, and the fact that these guys may be taking advantage of any age-related insecurities. Although I generally "let" my girlfriends do whatever they want when we're out (because I figure, I'm not their mom), if they ask me I tell them my honest opinion. And I try not to let them leave with strangers (I can't say I know what my limit of effort is because I've always succeeded in this!). It's a hard situation - on the one hand my friends are their own people with their own set of personal standards and morals. On the other, I am their friend and sometimes everyone needs someone to step in and say "this isn't a good idea."

Hermes

so what do I say then? should I say, "hey, if you want to hang out with him, why don't you make a date for another time?"

I just find it painful to watch (as well as rude to be honest)

blink · Coach

The Cougar thing is getting out of hand. I am only 33, and I was called a Puma by a 26 y/o guy I just posted about in the Vent thread... :P

I personally think that this Cougar trend is making these cute 20-something men very spoiled and they definitely are out to take advantage of it because they can be lazy about how they treat a woman. I have met one that seems to expect that I should be the one to call him and make plans with him, just because I am older and more experienced. Um, no. No calls from me until I know a guy better. At 33, even more than at 23, I expect to be treated with respect, I am not going straight to bed with you, I will not be blowing up your phone every time I am thinking about you, and you will not be making out with me 15 minutes after meeting me.

Blah. Any gentlemen left out there in the millenial generation? LOL!

Hermes

blink wrote:

The Cougar thing is getting out of hand. I am only 33, and I was called a Puma by a 26 y/o guy I just posted about in the Vent thread... :P

I personally think that this Cougar trend is making these cute 20-something men very spoiled and they definitely are out to take advantage of it because they can be lazy about how they treat a woman. I have met one that seems to expect that I should be the one to call him and make plans with him, just because I am older and more experienced. Um, no. No calls from me until I know a guy better. At 33, even more than at 23, I expect to be treated with respect, I am not going straight to bed with you, I will not be blowing up your phone every time I am thinking about you, and you will not be making out with me 15 minutes after meeting me.

Blah. Any gentlemen left out there in the millenial generation? LOL!

a puma? that's horrible. we need a term for the guys doing this. cougar hunter?

and what do I say to my friends? how do I tell them they're being hunted because they look like cougars? it's insulting to tell them that...

kmd · Kate Spade

Maybe that's what they're looking for even though they know the intentions behind it? I mean, at 40, you'd think someone wouldn't be totally oblivious to this... some people look for attention any way they can get it. :\

Hermes

how appropriate - one of my facebook friends just posted this video:

blink · Coach

bleh

yeah, AND the same guy also called me a MILF. A puma is a pre-cougar, by the way. He was surprised that I did not find those terms to be complimentary! So brassy and distasteful.

Another single girlfriend of mine who is also 33 told me that I should expect more of the same, that this is just the way guys are now, that I should try my best to take it as a compliment! Never!

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

UGH. I am 26, I go out with friends and they do the same thing. Like full-on makeout. Also, I've RECENTLY been in a circumstance where we just met a bunch of guys and a friend suggests "lets play spin the bottle!" What am I, 12?

I don't really care what my friends do with themselves, their morality and their health is their business, but I am concerned when it makes me look like a cheap floozy. In the circumstance above, I was starting to hit it off with a guy and hoping he'd ask for my #, but then felt like I instantly became a prude in a group of sluts since I refused to play.

-----
I wouldn't really get involved if I were you. What can you possibly say that will make them say "You know what D, you're right!" They are obviously feeling attention-starved and desperate so I don't see it being a good convo either way. If however, a friend were to open the subject like "Why is it that no one calls me after I meet them in a bar.." then they might be receptive to advice.

Elle · Hermes

I dunno, I think it's less about a possibly insecure woman being 'taken advantage of' by a younger guy and then regretting her 'immoral, slutty behavior' and more about how it's just plain rude to ditch a friend you go to a bar with to makeout with a random stranger. Period - unless that was the point of the trip to the bar in the first place.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about hooking up with someone, as long as you're being as safe as possible and have realistic expectations of what the encounter will/won't be. Maybe it's not something any of you would do personally, but I don't think that makes everyone who would a slut.

As for your friends D, I agree with you about feeling the need to say something. But if it wasn't well received, I think the only thing would be to let those friends know that that sort of behavior is not okay with you when you go out together and that you won't be accompanying them again. And then if they call for comfort when that guy that said they were so hot never called again, maybe they'll be more receptive to your reasoning.

If they're fine with it and/or have long-standing issues with their self-esteem or aging or whatever, I don't think a simple conversation about this is going to do the trick.

Voluntary naivete is a tricky beast, in any case.

-- Edited by Elle at 13:47, 2009-02-25

Hermes

Elle wrote:

I dunno, I think it's less about a possibly insecure woman being 'taken advantage of' by a younger guy and then regretting her 'immoral, slutty behavior' and more about how it's just plain rude to ditch a friend you go to a bar with to makeout with a random stranger. Period - unless that was the point of the trip to the bar in the first place.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong about hooking up with someone, as long as you're being as safe as possible and have realistic expectations of what the encounter will/won't be. Maybe it's not something any of you would do personally, but I don't think that makes everyone who would a slut.

As for your friends D, I agree with you about feeling the need to say something. But if it wasn't well received, I think the only thing would be to let those friends know that that sort of behavior is not okay with you when you go out together and that you won't be accompanying them again. And then if they call for comfort when that guy that said they were so hot never called again, maybe they'll be more receptive to your reasoning.

If they're fine with it and/or have long-standing issues with their self-esteem or aging or whatever, I don't think a simple conversation about this is going to do the trick.

Voluntary naivete is a tricky beast, in any case.

-- Edited by Elle at 13:47, 2009-02-25

here's the thing - the kissing takes place while they are sitting next to me. Also, my friends haven't gotten upset with me when I bring up that the guy is a player, it's always been a third party that gets upset with me for warning my friend/interfering. it's bizarre.

people like people that make them feel good about themselves. when a young, attractive guy comes up and starts showering them with compliments, they want to believe the guy is sincere. I personally would be leery of anyone doing that with me, but I can see where someone could fall for it too.

if it happens again, I'm just going to say that I want to leave (I've been the driver in both instances.) I won't even bring up why I want to go someplace else - I'll just make something up.

-- Edited by D at 13:57, 2009-02-25

Elle · Hermes

I wouldn't have a problem being a raging bitch to whatever 3rd party is commenting and telling them to shut the fuck up if they know what's good for them. If they want to be rude, I'm going to be rude right back and I'm going to get them kicked out of the bar.

If these women are falling hook, line, and sinker for these guys' acts I don't think it really matters what you say to them, because it's not going to fix the underlying issues that cause them to act that way in the first place. If you think they'd go with you if you said you wanted to leave then do that, but I'd be afraid they'd stay with the random guy and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a friend in that situation. It doesn't really matter what it is they're doing IMO - they're still ditching you, which is unacceptable in and of itself.

Or, go to a gay bar! That's what my girlfriends do - better people watching and no skeevy guys hitting on you

.

blink · Coach

Oh you mean the guy gets mad when you try to cockblock him? Well, whatever. You are just being a good friend by looking out for your girls. There are a lot of sleazeballs out there, if the guy is rude to a girl's friends, then that says enough right there.

I think I am going to post that video on FB too, it certainly relative to some current situations with my friends too. heehee

Hermes

Elle wrote:

I wouldn't have a problem being a raging bitch to whatever 3rd party is commenting and telling them to shut the fuck up if they know what's good for them. If they want to be rude, I'm going to be rude right back and I'm going to get them kicked out of the bar.

If these women are falling hook, line, and sinker for these guys' acts I don't think it really matters what you say to them, because it's not going to fix the underlying issues that cause them to act that way in the first place. If you think they'd go with you if you said you wanted to leave then do that, but I'd be afraid they'd stay with the random guy and I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a friend in that situation. It doesn't really matter what it is they're doing IMO - they're still ditching you, which is unacceptable in and of itself.

Or, go to a gay bar! That's what my girlfriends do - better people watching and no skeevy guys hitting on you .

I would never leave them at the bar... The gay bar is a good idea, but every time I have gone to one, I get girls hitting on me -- another uncomfortable situation!