STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

abusive father

manhattanmonkey · Kenneth Cole

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. Hearing situations of abusive men makes me so mad.

I don't know what to tell you as I've never known anyone in this situation, but you will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sure someone on here will be able to help in some way.

Karina · Chanel

Um.... why haven't the authorities been involved?

blink · Coach

I hope you aren't depending on advice from us, you should really find a domestic abuse victims support group.

RyanJ · Coach

I would definatley say call the police or like lorelei said a domestic abuse support group-find her some help somewher. I don't think it is going to get better-only worse. If you don't do anything who knows what could happend.

Good luck. I can't imagine how how this would be.

shopgirl82 · Chanel

first of all let me say i am sorry you are going through this, it must be so tough for everyone in your family. i have had sat through a couple of lectures on domestic violence in college, and it is such a horrible cycle. getting the authorities involved does complicate things, and is a decision your mom needs to make (which i'm sure is so aggravating given that she's blind sided). one option that we were taught was to give the victim literature. i know this month in oprah magazine there is a piece on domestic violence maybe you should check that out. also there are places that you and your sister can go (since your mom doesn't want to go) to get help and to get literature for her. since she is not seeing the real situation, maybe you could go through the literature with her and explain how it is the same situation she is going through (so she can't say, "oh, that's just those people, it's nothing like my situation"). i really hope things work out. check out www.oprah.com there are resources there. but also make sure that you check out resources for yourself and your sister, this isn't just affecting your mom, and since she is not willing to seek help, you can seek help for yourself and for her.

blubirde · Chanel

I agree with Lorelai that we probably aren't the ones to give advice in this situation. I've known women in abusive relationships before and I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what makes a woman leave a situation like that. She knows she needs to, you know she needs to, but why doesn't she? I've had two close family members in abusive relationships. Luckily both of them are out now but I don't know what the straw was that broke the camel's back.

I think you should call the police. What he did is a crime. Call the police and try to get your mom to get a temporary restraining order against him. Someone needs to make him understand how wrong his actions are.

Good luck. I'm terribly sorry you have to go through it, too.

rosie_the_riveter · Gucci

quote:

Originally posted by: shopgirl82
" first of all let me say i am sorry you are going through this, it must be so tough for everyone in your family. i have had sat through a couple of lectures on domestic violence in college, and it is such a horrible cycle. getting the authorities involved does complicate things, and is a decision your mom needs to make (which i'm sure is so aggravating given that she's blind sided). one option that we were taught was to give the victim literature. i know this month in oprah magazine there is a piece on domestic violence maybe you should check that out. also there are places that you and your sister can go (since your mom doesn't want to go) to get help and to get literature for her. since she is not seeing the real situation, maybe you could go through the literature with her and explain how it is the same situation she is going through (so she can't say, "oh, that's just those people, it's nothing like my situation"). i really hope things work out. check out www.oprah.com there are resources there. but also make sure that you check out resources for yourself and your sister, this isn't just affecting your mom, and since she is not willing to seek help, you can seek help for yourself and for her."

Thank you so much shopgirl for the info. I'll look into finding resources for my sister and I so that they can help us help her. I know the others said to involve the police but it's not that easy when my mom won't cooperate. Last time I did that I was on the phone with the 911 operator my dad got mad at me and slapped me across the face with his shirt. By the time the cops came, he was already leaving and my mom told the cops to just leave things alone. The police left and only told my dad to go sleep somewhere else for the night. He was back right the next day. This last sunday I told her that I was going to call the police and she said not to call and that it was her business, that she was a grown woman and she can make her own decisions. It's basically like trying to help someone who doesn't want to be helped and I know it's because she's blind to the situation. My sister and I have both offered for her to move in with either one of us but she has refused. Maybe we've gone about it the wrong way. Anyhow I will seek out the help so that I can better help her.

luckylily · Gucci

I don't have any advise to offer...I just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear that you and your family are going thru this.

{{{{hugs}}}}

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I'm so sorry you're going through thi. It must be an incredibly scary and frustrating an upsetting situation. It's so hard... I have a best friend right now who won't leave an abuser. So I can relate. You can't make your mom leave. But I've been told that if you focus on how difficult it is for her to put up with him. and how much work she's putting into everything, it will sort of plant the seed of "I don't need to take this." And because he's always telling her she's doing everything wrong, it sort of acts as a counter to his messages.

Oh, and I'v been told that no matter what, don't cut off ties. becuase sooner or later it will hit her that this isn't OK, and your mom/my friend will need someone she trusts. Also, the abuser tends to isolate his victim becuase it's much easier for him to control her that way.

So big hugs. This is an incredibly difficult situation. And there really are no right answers because your mom has to want things to change before she'll do anything. Meanwhile, I really hope you're taking care of yourself. This situation has to be as hard on you as it is on your mom. In some ways, maybe it's worse. I'm sending good thoughts your way. And I hope your family finds some peace soon...

Mia · Kate Spade

I have no advice re: getting your mom to leave - she's going to leave when she's going to leave, and I can sympathize with how incredibly frustrating this must be for you.

You mentioned he slapped you, and that is assault. He could have been arrested for that. If that happens again, you need to call the police and follow through. Violent men need to be stood up to.