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Post Info TOPIC: Embarrassing...


Kate Spade

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Embarrassing...
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I went into my ex-husbands e-mail today. Morally wrong I know. Too late to do anything about my ethics now, I suppose. Here's the issue. I feel crappy because I am finding out that he is still this complete other person at work than he was with me. He's flirtatious. He has no sense of loyalty. A bit of background is that he cheated (twice in two years that I know of) while we were together with people/person from work. Well I did it because I wanted to know what was going on with his job/lack of job. He just got laid off 2 weeks ago. I guess I feel crappy because things seem to be going a lot better for us recently. We can talk and act like friends. I like having him around. I miss him. Am I just setting myself up again? Should I try to cut all ties with him? I thought it would be better if we were friends for the kids, but I don't know if I can handle that. What the hell  was I thinking?  I am so confused right now. I hate that he has this complete other persona. I guess I still feel that he should have loyalties to me even though I know that's not true. I'm not sure how to move on completely. I feel like I'm always going to be alone. I think I'm ready for a new  relationship with someone but there is no one. I'm feeling sad, lonely, and rejected.  Not sure what I want you girls to say, but thanks for listening. 

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I am my own woman. ---Evita Peron


Marc Jacobs

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Are you feeling crappy because you were hoping deep inside that you would get back together? You can absolutely be friends, but I think you have to accept the hurt that this caused you.. perhaps right now its too soon.

I can pseudo-relate. Although never married, I spent almost 4 years with a person who seemingly had a "dual life" being mostly sweet and kind to me, but then I'd find things on the computer that showed me otherwise. Feelings of betrayal were overwhelming but while I still loved him, I forgave again and again. Each time I thought he had changed, I discovered he was still doing the same things over and over again. I have to constantly remind myself of the ways he wronged me and it makes me feel like a stronger person for taking the harder route and leaving.

People don't change. Not when you want them to. Don't feel bad for his mistakes.

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Kate Spade

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Sounds like you really need a listening ear - have you tried finding a counselor/pschologist?  Can be really good in helping you work through your feelings, even if only a couple of appointments  smile.gif

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Kate Spade

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Posts: 1478
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XtinaStyles wrote:

Are you feeling crappy because you were hoping deep inside that you would get back together? You can absolutely be friends, but I think you have to accept the hurt that this caused you.. perhaps right now its too soon.

I can pseudo-relate. Although never married, I spent almost 4 years with a person who seemingly had a "dual life" being mostly sweet and kind to me, but then I'd find things on the computer that showed me otherwise. Feelings of betrayal were overwhelming but while I still loved him, I forgave again and again. Each time I thought he had changed, I discovered he was still doing the same things over and over again. I have to constantly remind myself of the ways he wronged me and it makes me feel like a stronger person for taking the harder route and leaving.

People don't change. Not when you want them to. Don't feel bad for his mistakes.



It's exactly what you say about him having a dual-life. It really sucks!!!! You're right, I can't change him. I can't make him love me. I can't make him be loyal. 

I think that I don't want to get back together with him, out of self respect and because of his other issues along with the cheating. I guess I expect him to treat me with more dignity and respect around the floosies at work and wherever else he's meeting people. That's what hurts the most is that he doesn't care about me/my feelings/etc.  I want the love and respect that I need and deserve.

 



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I am my own woman. ---Evita Peron


Marc Jacobs

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Posts: 2130
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Ouch. Sorry hon. I like the idea about talking to a counselor. It sounds like you know what you want - to stay away from this guy - but you're still attracted by the things he promises. It's tough.

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kmd


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1106
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I was with someone who cheated on me at least 2 times that I know of... I was with him for 9 years... After breaking up a couple of times and getting back together, I finally just ended it about 3 years ago. I cut off all ties with him for about 8 months after trying to be friends for almost two years after the final break up. We are now friends again, but it is very rare that we socialize face to face...

I guess what I'm trying to get at, is it takes a lot of time after investing so much time and energy into a relationship, to get over it and move on. When I broke up with him for the last time, I was sure that it was the right thing to do, but it doesn't make the emotional toll any easier. We didn't have kids, so I'm not sure about that aspect, but thinking about you as an individual, it doesn't sound like trying to be friends is worth it! You can be friendly because of your kids, but that does not mean you have to be friends. There's a big difference.

In my honest opinion, from my personal experience, it's easy to set yourself up for being heartbroken again... just be really careful. I totally understand what it's like to be pulled back into a bad situation... I wholeheartedly believe that taking time away from someone after such an awful thing is the best for both people. :\

And, please know that you will not always be alone. You might be single right now (I still am!), but don't let that discourage you about the future. Just take it one day at a time, enjoy your kids, spend time with your girl friends whenever you have a chance, go out and have fun with them- socialize and find out who you are without a relationship... I can't tell you how much I've learned about myself in the past few years, and even though it came after unbearable heartbreak, I am so happy about the positive changes the whole situation kind of forced on me. You will get through this and come out a stronger woman.

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Marc Jacobs

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I just wanted to say that regardless of if he is another person ( fun, friendly nice flirty etc) with other people, he is not that way with you. So you are mourning the person you wished he was instead of the one he is when he is in a relationship with you.

Your children will thank you when they are older and see that you didnt allow yourself to stay in a relationship that was so unhealthy and that you have the self respect to want more for yourself.

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xoxo gossip girl!
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