STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

sheisfabulous · Nine West

I'm a housewife from hell

Kitty · Hermes

Going to work is the "dark side"? Sorry, I don't agree with that.

Domino13 · Nine West

Yes, the "Dark Side" comment is a bit much to take.

Suasoria · Chanel

An interesting thing about this board is that there are both SAHMs and women with demanding careers here, yet I never see us fall into the debate traps so commonly set up by agitators who perceive womankind as being comprised of these two opposing camps.

Setting aside the loaded statements about "the dark side," "dropping your family," and "abandonment," why wouldn't the people who love you want you to be happy and fulfilled?

I have a dear friend with four kids, and she explained that in order for her to make everyone's dreams come true, she was going to be working more for the family business. I think she convinced her six-year-old that they would soon have enough money to move to a ranch with lots of animals where he could ride a pony to school, but hey - it worked for them.

ayo · Coach

I kind of think you didn't mean it like that. I think it's being misread. To answer your question I agree with Suasoria. Why wouldn't the people you love want you to be happy and fulfilled? As women we often give so much that we end up neglecting ourselves. If you are ready to do something different that you enjoy and it is not to the detriment of your kids and marriage, I say they'll get over it. It may take some adjustment but such is life and life often involves change.

Tati · Chanel

ayo wrote:

I kind of think you didn't mean it like that. I think it's being misread.

Ditto

And since your questions don't apply to me, I really dont have anything more to say. other than you need to do what makes you happy, meet in between with you husband. We know that a unhappy wife/mom makes or breaks a family

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

I am wondering why you are worried about your DH feeling abandoned. Has he alluded to this or is it just an assumption you are making?

Elle · Hermes

Tati wrote:

ayo wrote:

I kind of think you didn't mean it like that. I think it's being misread.

Ditto

Tritto, though I do think that that sort of dialogue, even said in jest in your own head, can be detrimental to the situation.

There are some similarities in our situations, so I'm going to actually go ahead and give my thoughts. It's an adjustment, for everyone, and talking about it before hand will help with that. You're going to have to renegotiate household responsibilities with your husband and kids to make room for your work, and I'm not going to lie and say everything will be easy peasy! I don't even have kids and am only out of the house very part time and every few weeks we have to figure out a solution to something that's not working because of our schedules. However, it's important that your husband understands your desires about working again and is there to support that, which will mean him taking on more home duties. It won't always be easy or fun. Tough, dude. If you're worried about him pulling the 'abandoned' card himself, I'd call that a marriage problem instead of a going-back-to-work problem. In any case, I seriously doubt you promised to be a housewife forever in your vows! Would it be 'easier' for everyone if you just continued to stay home? Sure. Does that make you obligated to do that? Abso-freaking-lutely not. Your wants and needs are not trumped by theirs!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I know you didn't mean "dark side" and abandoning the family" seriously.

I think it struck everyone the wrong way, a bit, because framing the issue of "Who Will Clean Our Toilets," in that way presumes that it's your job, as wife and mother, to make sure no one in your family dies in filth. The thing is, it's their own filth. It's really not solely your problem. (Beyond small children's health and sanitation concerns, of course - and even then they're your husband's kids too).

I think Elle is right - these housework problems are really just other problems in disguise. It's not really about toilets. It's about negotiating who will do the unpleasant work involved in making your life together.

I guess I don't see what the problem is, really? Someone has to clean the bathroom: you, him, or a third party hired by the both of you. Only the two of you can decide which option makes the most sense for your family.

twinkle_star · Kenneth Cole

I think you can also frame is as you want to raise healthy, independent kids who are used to doing things for themselves. You'll still be there for love and support and for the things that are important to them, you're just also going to be giving them some responsibilties now that will help them in the long run. And I ditto the idea that if you need to work to feel fulfilled your husband should understand that even if the outcome is more work for him. Also, if you are increasing your income perhaps you could hire someone to help out around the house.

Good luck.

fashionista L · Coach

I just finished reading a book called, Work and Family, Allies or Enemies? I highly suggest you pick it up. It has a lot of good information about balancing work and family. It's a lengthy research study that could be eye opening for you. Kids are happy if their mom is happy and is making a choice to work. If this was against your will, and you didn't want to work, there could be some negative consequences. If it's your choice and something you want to do, go for it!!

sheisfabulous · Nine West

I'm glad that most people understood that I don't actually drop my children/family like hot potatoes - no need to call childrens protective services, and as such, the dark side I'm referring to is for me much like trying to decide if you were a character in a scary movie which is best: to keep the blinds tightly closed so you can't see that guy with the chain saw on the other side? or to keep them open so you know what lies ahead. If that analogy doesn't apply to you, okay. But for me it's very real.

Our family has enjoyed the lifestyle we have because of my unyeilding determination to make things work. I was a teen mother and have risen to the occasion. The biggest concern I have isn't if we can weather storms and come out ahead, I feel certain our marriage can survive. It's more about the fact that the work I'm throwing myself into is an entreprenurial endeavor. Which will consume not only time, but resources. So without seeking business advice, I thought this forum would provide some insight into the behind the scenes components. I'm not starting war between those who work outside the home vs. those who stay home. As I stated, I've done both. I've breastfed and supplemented. I've had natural child birth and tried to get an epidural once. I think my own self searching has shown that I've either been on one side or the other, without the sort of balance I crave.

The housewife from hell title was quite obviously a joke. I have a healthy sense of self, and am poking fun. It obviously caught your eye wink

Thanks for everyones input!

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

The very idea of working more hours to have the life you want is comparable to a chain saw wielding villain in a horror movie?

Now I'm really lost.

I think it's safe to say you're making some negative characterizations of adult responsibilities that may be making this seem very scary to you. I'm not sure you should be afraid, though. I mean, well. Sometimes you work long hours. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you clean the toilet. Sometimes you pay someone, teach an eight year old to wield a sponge, or let your husband pick up the slack.

Why is this such a big deal? Are you afraid you'll have to do it alone? Has your husband weighed in at all? Can your kids help? It's like you just assumed it was all your responsibility to handle. That would be scary, but I don't think it's true. (If it is true, I think you're screwed. Because I don't even have kids and I can't keep our place clean).