STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Farrah · Marc Jacobs

RE: Advice Needed Re Marriage Finances

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

I do many things for my husband. I will always be on the lookout for him in terms of shopping (I will buy him a shirt or clothing if I think it'll look good on him). I pick up his contact lenses if he asks me. If I have a credit to a store, I'll be more than happy to let him use it (like at Sephora). As far as the house things go, its not as though I just sit there. In fact, last night when he had done the laundry, I folded all his socks/underwear for him (I didnt enjoy doing it and did bring up the fact that many families have live in nannies - to which he responded - we are 30 and 28, we are nowhere near getting a live-in nanny nor do I particularly want on). My mom has come over a few times to show me how to cook some easy things - the problem is that other than that, we really dont cook. I dont think I should be doing it all by myself and by the time he gets home - it's too late to actually try and cook - its the same price and easier to go out.

With respect to the beneficiary, I rely on him more than he relies on me in terms of financial security so I dont know why its such a big issue. Besides, if he really wanted us to be a financial unit he would have opened up a joint account by now (which he keeps saying we need to do).

AllieGurl · Marc Jacobs

Hillary Bynum wrote:

I do many things for my husband. I will always be on the lookout for him in terms of shopping (I will buy him a shirt or clothing if I think it'll look good on him). I pick up his contact lenses if he asks me. If I have a credit to a store, I'll be more than happy to let him use it (like at Sephora). As far as the house things go, its not as though I just sit there. In fact, last night when he had done the laundry, I folded all his socks/underwear for him (I didnt enjoy doing it and did bring up the fact that many families have live in nannies - to which he responded - we are 30 and 28, we are nowhere near getting a live-in nanny nor do I particularly want on). My mom has come over a few times to show me how to cook some easy things - the problem is that other than that, we really dont cook. I dont think I should be doing it all by myself and by the time he gets home - it's too late to actually try and cook - its the same price and easier to go out.

With respect to the beneficiary, I rely on him more than he relies on me in terms of financial security so I dont know why its such a big issue. Besides, if he really wanted us to be a financial unit he would have opened up a joint account by now (which he keeps saying we need to do).

Ok, now this post has me suspicious. I am calling it - I dont believe you. I am sorry but in reading everything you have to say it gets more and more ridiculous and I cant fathom that any self respecting women would say the things your saying.

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

Alliegurl,
I am being completely honest and wouldnt spend time putting together a bogus post. This are all sincere and real life issues I (and my husband) are dealing with. Nobody's perfect and everyone has a different way of life or issue they deal with. While mine may be funny or silly to some, it's legitimate to others. Please understand I share them openly on this post so my (new) fellow forum chatters can advise and give their input. What about what I've said is not self-respecting?

sheisfabulous · Nine West

Having a joint checking account is not a panacea for what ails your relationship.

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Ugh this is getting weird... at one side we are trying to be helpful but on another it seems like none of us can relate and offer sound advice that will actually be heard and not just "oh well last night I had to take off my princess crown for an hour, I didn't enjoy it but I did it for my husband."

I say we leave this post be and stop feeding into it!

BTW yesterday I went to work, paid some bills, folded socks AND made apple pie from scratch. I mean, I know no one cares but after this I feel proud of myself. :P

-- Edited by XtinaStyles at 16:04, 2008-10-08

Hermes

Hillary Bynum wrote:

Alliegurl,
I am being completely honest and wouldnt spend time putting together a bogus post. This are all sincere and real life issues I (and my husband) are dealing with. Nobody's perfect and everyone has a different way of life or issue they deal with. While mine may be funny or silly to some, it's legitimate to others. Please understand I share them openly on this post so my (new) fellow forum chatters can advise and give their input. What about what I've said is not self-respecting?

Even though my intuition told me otherwise in the beginning, I think you are a legitimate poster, and are sharing factual details of your life. There are many different types of people out there, and I have seen some come onto this board that were questioned in the beginning, but later proved they were legit.

I think you have had everyone do everything for you your whole life and don't know any differently. No one gave you a manual on how to have a good marriage. People enter into marriages with unspoken expectations and later find that their expectations do not match those of their mate's. That's why there are so many divorces.

I agree that counseling would be a good idea so you and find a way to openly discuss each others expectations, reach agreements, and compromise. Marriage is work - don't ever forget that - and right now, for you, this is one of those times where you're going to have to work at it, whether you like to or not.

Hillary Bynum · Nine West

Thank you D -
I appreciate the input - I will consider the counseling.

To all others,
Thank you (including those who think I'm a bogus poster) for your advise and input. It certainly makes me think things over.

Hil

greendiamond · Marc Jacobs

My two cents...

It seems like your husband wanted a marriage and you wanted a wedding.

You both have different expectations of married life and your responsibilities to one another. I hope you will get counseling to work out your differences and find a middle ground.

If you want him to show his love by doing things for you, then you should expect to do things for him to show your love.

fafa · Nine West

I do not believe at all that this is a real poster

* Sharing your credit at Sephora really your fiance wants that?

* Asking about live in nannies but you don't have kids? Correct

Hermes

fafa wrote:

I do not believe at all that this is a real poster

* Sharing your credit at Sephora really your fiance wants that?

* Asking about live in nannies but you don't have kids? Correct

hey - there's all kinds of people out there - maybe he's a metrosexual.

would you quote what she asked about live in nannies? I only saw the statement "he didn't marry a maid/nanny"

as I told another STer, there are people who have posted on here where we said "is this person for real?!?" only to find out that yes, they were VERY real. On that note, back in the FH days I was accused of being a man, which I hope you all realize is not true...

give her a break. not everyone evolves at the same rate or is on the same level. just because she is well spoken doesn't mean she is mature or empathetic.

ILoveChoo · Hermes

D wrote:

would you quote what she asked about live in nannies? I only saw the statement "he didn't marry a maid/nanny"

Not to keep dragging this out (and I'm not doubting this poster is real- I've known of similar situations, and it takes all types...) but this statement did kind of take me aback too:

"I folded all his socks/underwear for him (I didnt enjoy doing it and did bring up the fact that many families have live in nannies - to which he responded - we are 30 and 28, we are nowhere near getting a live-in nanny nor do I particularly want on)."

Hermes

ILoveChoo wrote:

D wrote:

would you quote what she asked about live in nannies? I only saw the statement "he didn't marry a maid/nanny"

Not to keep dragging this out (and I'm not doubting this poster is real- I've known of similar situations, and it takes all types...) but this statement did kind of take me aback too:

"I folded all his socks/underwear for him (I didnt enjoy doing it and did bring up the fact that many families have live in nannies - to which he responded - we are 30 and 28, we are nowhere near getting a live-in nanny nor do I particularly want on)."

wellll, maybe she had a nanny until she moved out of the house smile

with the attitude of being put out to do simple stuff that shouldn't be a second thought, that could be the case.

maybe I should go back to listening to my initial intuition...

weirdface

ayo · Coach

oh ok "hi"
yeah
Sadly, I know too many people that are EXACTLY like this...
so I can believe this story.

In any case, girl, you really need to try to work on some of this...because quite frankly, he is only going to tolerate this behavior but for so long. So if you want to stay married, I suggest you pick up a few books on how to handle personal finances (I'm a fan of the Motley's fool series personally http://www.fool.com/personal-finance/index.aspx?source=ifltnvpnv0000001)

So you can at least have some sense of how to handle your household finances.
I would also consider taking a couple of cooking classes. Now I don't buy into the whole "the woman has to take care of the household" crap..so I'd suggest taking the classes together. Expense of eating out aside, cooking at home is healthier for you...

I really hope you recognize what you've signed up for..marriage is GREAT but it is also a lot of work, sacrifice, compromise, patience etc etc...

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

Wow. Just read this one.

Hilary - Your posts actually makes me very sad.

Girl, you need to get it together. Buying a shirt for your husband at the mall does not make you a great wife.

Like one of the other girls said - He is your husband.. not your father.

You need to grow up and wake up. If you don't - you aren't going to be married for very long. I know if my DH behaved like you - I would have divorced him long ago and I'm sure I can say the same for him.

You need to get some ambition. If you don't know how to cook - take a class. If you don't know how to change your last name - research it. If you don't want to do laundry or housework - honestly, too freakin bad. Everyone has to do things they don't enjoy.

I feel very sad for you that you have lived such a "privledged" life - it sounds like you don't really "know how to do" anything.

And if you don't want to work and you don't want to do housework or pick up dry-cleaning - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? Shop, watch TV and eat bon-bons? Sounds like a very sad, un-stimulated life.

You may be 28 - but clearly you were too young to get married. You may be the same person you were 4 years ago - but it's time to grow up. I find it very hard to believe that you and DH didn't discuss ANY of your joint responsibilities before your wedding day. If you weren't talking about your future together - What the hell did you talk about?

Shame on you for behaving like a spoiled baby and shame on him for encouraging your behavior in the past.