STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Hermes

RE: Need Advice...Moving in together?

Hermes

Suasoria wrote:

I too am a big fan of living together. I would never ever marry someone I hadn't test-driven first. I lived with a guy for almost a year, after dating for two years (part of that was long-distance), and only after living together did I realize it was not to be. I'm so grateful for that experience.

DH and I lived in sin for six years, and quite honestly, we only got married for legal benefits like right of survivorship.

ditto, ditto, and ditto.

where I was different is that I wanted the legal commitment sooner vs. later, but I do agree that you really don't know someone until you live together and I wouldn't marry someone until I did know what they were like on a 24/7 day to day basis.

I just feel that it's important to at least enter into the living together situation with a plan to make it permanent (which you are doing, gingembre.)

subwolley · Kate Spade

My bf and I have been living together for 10 years, and we are NOT married. Finances and all that are going to differ for every couple. You'll just have to sit down with him and figure out what works best for you guys. I would suggest that you guys have seperate bank accounts though.

I would never move in with someone for marriage purposes, but I don't plan on being legally married...that's just me.

Elle · Hermes

I'm in a situation similar to Shopchicago - we share our finances (everything in joint accounts) and have since waaaay before we moved in together. That said, we were both very very young so we really 'grew up' with joint finances. It changes things when that's really the only way you've ever done business, kwim?

That said we were together for 6 years before we moved in, then another 4 before we got married, and we've been married for 2 years. For us the commitment was there waaaay before we actually got around to getting married, which I think is important. We got married really for the legal benefits - it didn't change the feel of our relationship, because like I said we were commited way in advance of that.

So I think the commitment to the relationship is what's important, and I wouldn't move in with anyone without that. It's not like you'd be relying on him to help you pay the bills - you're obviously already pretty self-sufficient with your finances. If he's also pretty good with his money (ie doesn't spend his 'extra!' money and then come up short later in the month) I'd use the split mortgage costs to keep things even cost wise - what I mean is, keep your household receipts and each month figure out who owes who for what. Use that number to adjust what each person pays for the mortgage that month, so money isn't changing hands constantly and how much someone 'owes' someone else doesn't build up over time. He can either write you a check once a month for his part of the rent + anything else he owes, or you guys can get separate accounts at the same bank and have the ability to transfer money to each others' accounts online. This is what we did when we had a roommate in college (I bought all the groceries and paid some bills, we'd even it up in the rent and both write checks just for that) and it worked out really really well.

Good luck! Assuming you trust each other and keep your own interests in mind when dealing with money, I think you'll be fine

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gingembre1 · Kate Spade

You have all given me awesome input. I still don't know if we'll move in together right now - I might get a roommate for 9 months or so, and at that point we'll re-evaluate. He's been living with his parents for the past year while he gets his teaching credential, and I think he'd enjoy living "on his own" for a bit. Anyway, we're in no rush.