STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

jess · Kenneth Cole

Email from ex- shouldn't respond right??

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Don't respond. He is wanting a response so that he can justify the way he's treated you. I wouldn't give him any justification. Let it sit and simmer inside of him. Besides if you don't respond he might send another email and get more desperate for your forgiveness. Could be funny...

bumblebee · Dooney & Bourke

i agree w/lsu 100%. he just wants to make himself feel better for acting like a jerk, but he can't quiet his conscience until he gets you to say it's ok. i have had this experience many times. i have a feeling you will hear from him again, especially if you don't respond. they always come back.

Lola · Dooney & Bourke

Obviously you looked hot that night and he is having regrets, like, damn, how'd I let that one get away! HA! That's awesome! *high five*

I would prob just be honest and respond and ask him something like "why now?" But then I would go on to say how well my life is going (without him). Selfish men...they are all the same I SWEAR!

jess · Kenneth Cole

Ha, ha Lola-- thats the 1st thought I had. I looked very "professional" hot though b/c it was this huge oil & gas convention at the George R. Brown. It was a work thing, that he had in fact told me that he would not be at b/c he's needed in the office. Our co. had a booth there, so he had to have known where I'd be- therefore he could have purposely walked past. This has me so confused again, even though I know he meant nothing by it. I would be perfectly fine hating him.

blubirde · Chanel

So sorry Jess! Boys are idiots and all the same. The second (and I mean the exact second) you have forgotten about them, they come around again. It's the rule or something. I don't know why but it always works out that way. (I'm dealing with one of those presently although not as serious as yours is.)

I also thought you must have looked really hot then! That's so funny that Lola said that because I was thinking almost the exact same thing.

I think how your respond, if you respond, depends on you. I'm a person that has a hard time not responding to people, even if I don't want to, so I'd probably email back and tell him not to worry about it, that I'm over it and he should be too. But frankly, by trying to make himself feel better by unloading on you, he's proving he actually is as selfish and thoughtless as he wanted you to think he was. He knows (or at least can reasonably suspect) it might be painful for you to get into the details again. He's thinking about himself only and even if he did write the old email to you to get you to hate him, for your so-called benefit, he's not acting in your benefit now. You could do what I did with my last serious ex. I told him that in retrospect, I didn't like the way he treated me and I am not friends with people who treat me badly, so why would I be friends with him? I told him I wouldn't ignore him on the street or anything but I also wasn't going to go out of my way to subject myself to a person I didn't feel deserved my respect. It was honest, un-emotional, and effective.

Let us know what you do!

beachgirl · Kenneth Cole

I love blubirde's response, it's perfect. I would write that and then block his email address so he can't respond!

esquiress · Marc Jacobs

imo, you shouldn’t respond. I’m w/ lsu and bumblebee, I feel like as soon as you respond w/ something like “it’s ok, don’t worry about me, I’m fine” he’ll have cleared his conscience. which is fine for him but what does that get you? I mean, you obviously still have feelings (love/hate/whatever) for him and in the email he’s basically saying (imo) that he feels guilty for treating you badly and wishes you well—gee thanks. what kind of a response could change that bottom line? so what’s the point in giving him one?

on a related note—please believe me when I tell you that one day soon you won’t give him a second thought. it’s the strangest thing, getting over someone is this slow but sudden process. like you’ll be thinking of him on a daily basis for the longest time and then suddenly, the skies will part and you’ll be free. and when it happens it will seriously feel like some kind of miracle or something. and the quickest way to make that miracle happen is not to contact him in any way.

so maybe he’s sad/selfish/feeling guilty. but do yourself a favor and let all that be his problem and not yours.

-- Edited by esquiress at 18:18, 2005-02-09

Andrea Julia · Coach

quote:
Originally posted by: jess
"Does this warrant any kind of resonse? Help!"

Absolutely not.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

His excuse for treating you badly is that he was making decisions about what would be best for you? I can't date, but I know long-term relationships. And that's a bad sign. What else is he going to decide is best for you? He's a creep. Here's to finding someone so much better! You're too good for this one...

Joina · Kenneth Cole

I'm like blubirdie, it would be virtually impossible to just ignore and not reply, just my personality. I think it's ultimately your decision to respond or not to respond.

jess · Kenneth Cole

Thanks to him I didn't sleep at all last night. I hope that he has cleared his conscious & that he can sleep at night. It really pissed me off that he can still get to me this way, after I thought I had made so much progress. It made me mad that when I initially read his email my hands just started shaking & i immediately felt sick to my stomach. I HATE THAT!!! I've never been through a breakup that I couldn't seem to get past, but this one has taken it's toll on me! I just keep thinking what a selfish bastard he is & that he's probably justified his behavior and thinking his "apology" was sufficient. I think I'm more angry today than I was before he sent that email. I just cant get over that, I hate to obsess--but c'mon! Does he think that in that months time between "leave me alone" & "dont hate me" that I've been able to successfully get over him & possibly be friends with him? I mean, why does he care if I hate him? Why? We're not friends, our friends aren't friends, there is no reason to care if I hate him or not. "Thats not what I want," -- who cares what YOU want anymore. Sorry ladies, I know Im rambling..... Im just very angry & like I said- Im angry that Im even angry if that makes any sense.

Thank you for all of your responses! I would have been even madder at myself had I responded yesterday. :)

Side note- Esquiress, my friend complimented your post- she said you seemed very "wise."

ETA : 11:43 am---I almost freakin emailed him.... Like Lola & Bluebirde said- I just want to know why??? But Im not going to do it. I will not, i will not, i will not!!!

-- Edited by jess at 12:40, 2005-02-10

-- Edited by jess at 12:40, 2005-02-10

blink · Coach

something I like to tell a girlfriend of mine when she obsesses over similar issues, "There is no sequence of words you OR HE can put together that will change the situation or hasn't been said already." I know it is hard to resist replying, especially in emails, but don't give him the honor. He's already being narcissistic by thinking you even care. And Esquiress is exactly right, you will get over this...but you might always remember him. I still get mad at myself when I remember one certain ex with ego issues who really used up and wasted my heart, and it's been 6 years ago. After it was over, I also ignored his attempts at apology. Too little too late, you know? After a while, it doesn't mean much to hear an apology from such a despicably remembered guy.

-- Edited by lorelei at 12:54, 2005-02-10

blubirde · Chanel

quote:
Originally posted by: jess
"Thanks to him I didn't sleep at all last night. I hope that he has cleared his conscious & that he can sleep at night. It really pissed me off that he can still get to me this way, after I thought I had made so much progress. It made me mad that when I initially read his email my hands just started shaking & i immediately felt sick to my stomach. I HATE THAT!!! I've never been through a breakup that I couldn't seem to get past, but this one has taken it's toll on me! I just keep thinking what a selfish bastard he is & that he's probably justified his behavior and thinking his "apology" was sufficient. I think I'm more angry today than I was before he sent that email. I just cant get over that, I hate to obsess--but c'mon! Does he think that in that months time between "leave me alone" & "dont hate me" that I've been able to successfully get over him & possibly be friends with him? I mean, why does he care if I hate him? Why? We're not friends, our friends aren't friends, there is no reason to care if I hate him or not. "Thats not what I want," -- who cares what YOU want anymore. Sorry ladies, I know Im rambling..... Im just very angry & like I said- Im angry that Im even angry if that makes any sense. Thank you for all of your responses! I would have been even madder at myself had I responded yesterday. :) Side note- Esquiress, my friend complimented your post- she said you seemed very "wise." ETA : 11:43 am---I almost freakin emailed him.... Like Lola & Bluebirde said- I just want to know why??? But Im not going to do it. I will not, i will not, i will not!!! -- Edited by jess at 12:40, 2005-02-10 -- Edited by jess at 12:40, 2005-02-10"

Man, boys are shit sometimes. Hang in there Jess, it's like Equiress said, one day you'll be mad, the next you'll feel nothing for him. My revelation came one day when I was listening to Sarah McLaughlin's Mirrorball. Nada. Nothing. I had no sad feelings whatsoever, even though I was listening to quite possibly the saddest cd ever created. That's when I realized I was over, over, OVER him! Stay strong girl!

ShanKel · Kenneth Cole

PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!!!!!! I just went through the same thing and i definetly know how you feel. It was a year after the relationship ended and I still couldn't let go of the feelings I had for him. To ignore him was the hardest thing I had to do but now I'm so proud of myself that I actually stuck to my plan just to ignore him. He wants you to answer so that he will know whether or not there is still a door open for him. Dont give him the satisfaction. Now I feel so free like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and when I date other people I don't feel like I have to hold back because maybe he will suddenly change(yeah right), we'll get back together and live happily ever after. Just hang in there and things will work out for you