STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Well, especially if this is a formal wedding, I'd assume they're going to be feeding everyone sit-down style.  We generally didn't invite boyfriends or girlfriends to our wedding because we simply didn't want to pay XYZ dollars to feed someone we'd never met who may or may not be around in a year anyway.  We made an exception for this in cases where the guest would not know anyone else at the wedding, in which case we invited their boyfriend/girlfriend if they had one.  I wanted to make sure all our guests were comfortable (ie had someone to sit with and talk to) but otherwise you really have to draw the line somewhere!  We also invited boyfriends/girlfriends if we were friendly with both people in the couple.

IMO it's great your son has a serious girlfriend and of course you want her to meet the family for the first time.  If she was invited to the wedding, this would have been very convenient for you.  Since she is not, it's not the responsibility of the bride or groom to change their guest list to accomodate your convenience in this case.  At our wedding the rule was if we didn't know someone existed until the wedding invites went out, or if they'd been around only for a short time, or if we'd never heard their name before, they did not get invited.  We wanted the wedding to be an opportunity to see our families and have fun with them, and felt the inclusion of a bunch of people we didn't know would have been really weird.

As for children, I think it's well within the right of anyone throwing any sort of party where the event will be formal, possibly run well into the evening, and provide food/beverages at the throwers expense to invite or exlude anyone they see fit.  A party of that nature isn't necessarily an appropriate place for children, and there are many brides and grooms before that have politely excluded them from the festivities.  We did not invite any non-family children - we didn't want to deal with possible tantrums, or kid's tables, and kids activities, etc etc.

It's quite possible that none of these situations apply to yours, but the very bottom line is that this is their event, to do with what they prefer.  Each person gets their own wedding to decide these things if they choose to, and can have as much input into the weddings of their children if their children allow it.  Your event, you choose, their event, they choose.  If you don't like it you don't have to go, but doing so would show your support for the bride and groom, which is what it's supposed to be about in the first place.

I know this is super frustrating - especially if your son's GF was already planning on coming - but like others have said - it's not all that unusual to restrict guests to their spouses or immediate family. I can understand her not wanting to invite gfs and bfs that maybe or may not be there, as you said. She may just want to see only people that she knows and loves there, and I think that's ok for her and her fiance to decide that. If your son was already engaged, maybe the circumstances would be different.
Also, the kids thing is a common one as well. While I enjoy children, some do not, or as Elle said, they may just want to have a grown-up, elegant party, which is simply not a kids sort of thing. I've met some bridezillas but nothing here seems out of line.

esquiress wrote:

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Frankly, I'm just glad you're complaining/venting on st as oppose to irl. it's simply not your place to decide who does or doesn't get invited to this wedding.

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I agree 100%.

As for your son not inviting his girlfriend, I understand your feelings are hurt but I'm sure the bride had to consider MANY other 'plus one' scenerios... I know half of our groomsmen weren't even dating anyone but wanted to bring random dates just because... didn't happen. So while you may think it may just be adding 2 more people... considering everyone else's requests it may be adding many more.  And honestly, if the bride isn't that close with your son it may not have even occured to her to include the girlfriend. And I'm going to go out on a limb (because I know I did this), she may be like me and be more apt to allow someone to bring a date if they were single and didn't know anyone at the wedding so they would feel more comfortable.  Like one of my old friends from grammer school came but she didn't really know anyone at all so she got a plus one, while my husband's divorced uncle did not since all of his family was there plus he knew several of the other guests.  And logisitically they may be tight on space, espcially if it's a seated dinner. For my wedding, if we had just 15 more guests we would be required to use an additional room due to fire code requirements and that would have automatically cost and additional  $30,000 just for the extra space. Seriously, not a typo. And this is in Georgia so I'm sure Southern California would be even more outrageous.

There's really no set rule and really just depends on the bride's preferences and logisitics of the events.

As for children not being invited, it's a very slippery slope. We had a formal wedding and the only children invited were my 2 first cousins (ages 5 and 6) who were the ring bearer and flowergirl. Of course that bothered some people who didn't understand why they couldn't bring their children or infants but you just can't accomodate everyone.  Honestly... not every bride is a fan of children (myself included... yes I realize I'm now pregnant and that's something I need to work on!) so not including children is not that uncommon.

My only other piece of advice, DO NOT call the bride to ask if you can bring her or even worse, just add her name to the RSVP card. We had it happen and it puts the bride and groom in a very awkward position of saying no. And trust me, they'll probably say no and talk about how tacky you are... because I certainly did!

I hope I don't come too snarky, but I have been on both sides.  Both as a single girl who didn't get a plus one and as a bride trying to plan my wedding with space and budget constraints.

-- Edited by sfclinevandy at 16:56, 2008-08-25

Thanks everyone for your input - and I know it is better to rant here than IRL.

I'm just sad that a happy occasion like a wedding has to hurt so many people's feelings.

I hear you. I think weddings have gone from family celebration to "Princess for a day" and god forbid children, family or mother Nature Herself ruin the "princesses" day. *sarcasm*

I personally think it's shallow and sad to think that more family or children are going to ruin something but whatever, it's not my wedding and it's not your wedding.

That's just me though and I've also never understood why someone would want to spend so much money on one freaking day that's over before you know it anyway. Not to mention, they all think they are being "original" but it's really all the same stuff done over and over again.

OK, wedding rant over, lol.

I understand why would you be upset but at the end of the day it is just a stupid wedding. Surely you and your fam can find more enjoyable things to do together than that!

It's not really about who gets to go and who doesn't, it's about respecting the wishes of the people the event is for.  I think it's rude to hold it against them for not inviting a person that they do not know (dates) or who they think may not be able to enjoy/last through the event (kids).  Anyone who calls them selfish for that is a pot calling the kettle black IMO.

If everyone is going on about how it's just one day, why does it matter so much to leave the kids or a date home for just a couple hours to attend?  If it's still upsetting to you and it's hard to acknowledge that they have many other people to attend to, as a recent bride I'd probably rather you didn't attend at all.  Family or not, I'd rather have people there that supported and loved us, not ones that were bitter they didn't get to bring someone.

That's just my two cents.  But while I had a decent sized wedding myself (100 people, nearly all family fwiw), including dates and non-familial children in our list would have added up to 50 extra guests if they'd all attended.  It's expensive - it's more food, more tables, more centerpieces, more chairs, more waiters, more placecards, more cake, etc etc ad naseum.  I think it's a little hypocritical to talk about spending all that money on just one day and not inviting every last person they can think of in the same breath.