STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

tara t · Marc Jacobs

friend communication

Hermes

I don't think you're being petty, and you have every right to feel the way you feel. However, she is who she is -- if she's hasn't been communicative in that way before, don't expect her to start doing it now.

Remember that people do what they want to do. If she wanted to know how you were doing or was thinking about you and wanted you to know that she would.

I went through a similar situation with my high school girlfriend. I was hurt that she didn't contact me more or try harder to get together. There were a couple of instances where I brought it up. I came to the realization that she was never like that, and if she wanted to spend time with me or contact me she would. This was who she was and how much she was willing to put forth in the relationship -- it was up to me to decide whether I could live with that or not. I decided that I had to accept her for who she was, and that is was a waste of my time and energy to try to get her to be who I wanted her to be. I actually told her this in so many words and told her I was ok with it. I know she loves me, so it is what it is. That was a couple of years ago.

Fast forward to today, she recently broke up with her boyfriend of 15 years, and has been really communicative and instrumental in getting together. I'm sure some of it has to do with reaching out to friends during a hard time, but it wasn't due to anything I said - it's just happening naturally, and that works for me. Who knows how long it will last -- maybe only until she finds a new serious boyfriend.

In a nutshell, accept her for who she is and decide if that works for you. In my case, I decided that whatever she offered I was willing to accept as it was important to me to have her in my life, whether it's served up the way I want or not.

HTH

tara t · Marc Jacobs

Remember that people do what they want to do. If she wanted to know how you were doing or was thinking about you and wanted you to know that she would.

i guess you're right. she's sort of lacking in the friend dept. maybe that's why... either she doesn't want to put forth the effort to have/keep friends or she's just happier without alot of people in her life.

i think the only thing keeping us going is me. so, i guess i just go on sending her the random emails saying "hi" every so often. or else i'm going to be out a friend.

but you know what else sucks? when i do call her to say "hi" i have to hear about her jerk/drunk hubby, and how she won't divorce him because her parents will be disappointed.

maybe i'm better off.

Aurora · Marc Jacobs

I feel your pain. I have a friend who I call and call and leave facebook messages and about 50% of the time she'll respond. It gets annoying but when we do see each other or talk we have the best of times together catching up. I'm not the greatest at keeping in touch though so I can't fault her for her return response rate. I've just come to accept this is the way things will be since we live 8 hours apart.

In your situation I'd keep emailing her periodically but not worry too much. Maybe she'll come around and you don't want to have shut the door on her.

Hermione · Kate Spade

I'm that friend.
I hate that it's true, but it is. I just get so involved with whatever is in my face currently, that even though I think about my friends and mean to call them, I never do. This includes people that I really truly care about. I can't explain it, maybe it's a character flaw or maybe I'm just lazy.
Every year I resolve to change this and every year it's the same old.
I hope you don't put this friend under the "toxic" label - I know some people are indeed toxic friends but it seems that the other friend lumped in lazy friends underneath the same category, and I don't think it's the same thing.

Dizzy · Marc Jacobs

I'm with Hermione. I really like the people, too, and I'm interested in them. I think I never learned to do maintenance conversations. I call people when I have good news (no point in sharing the bad) or when I hear from them. I have literally lost touch with people for about three years, and said, "Oh hi, what's up!" when they called, thinking it had only been a little while since we talked.

I think it's more likely to happen when things aren't going well, though, so it may not be about you. It seems like the people I know who are going through bad times don't call anyone at all or return calls. Your friend may be stressed and not calling anyone. But you know her better. If this is a pattern for her, it may be just who she is.

Elle · Hermes

Yeah, I'm kinda that friend too

.

Between family and the few friends my husband and I have, we're literally on the phone doing those maintenance chats all the damn time. I love all these people, but there's only room for so much on a day-to-day basis, ya know?

I wouldn't worry about it too much - it's not like you guys had a falling out, so I'd try to let it be what it is. If you get tired of trying to contact her, then just don't as much. Maybe try getting together every once and awhile instead?

tri_sarah_tops · Marc Jacobs

I'm also that friend. I don't mean to be, I've just always been. In my case it's a personality trait/flaw - I am very much introverted and don't enjoy spending time on the phone or on email when I could be doing something for myself, like reading or working out. It doesn't mean I don't love and care about my friends and family, I'm just kind of selfish with my time. Like Hermoine I know it's something I need to work on, and I do try, but it never lasts long.

tara t · Marc Jacobs

don't get me wrong, i'm not a fan of chatting on the phone about a whole lot of nothing. but it would just be nice if a friend you have had forever would send an email or give you a call once or twice a year. it's not that hard. and no, she's not a toxic friend, but friendships do take a bit of effort to keep. if you want to call an email an effort. eh. i just like to make sure my friends know that i'm around.

Hermione · Kate Spade

you're right - it really doesn't take that much effort and I don't know what my problem is. I'm just admitting it - and maybe your friend is the same way, like Dizzy, doesn't realize that it's been so long since you've talked or whatever -

blubirde · Chanel

Ugh. I have friends like this and sometimes I hate it and sometimes I don't get bothered over it. It just depends on the friend, really. I had one friend who I talked to practically every day when we lived in the same town. The second she moved a couple of hours away, she stopped communicating, even though I was still calling/emailing regularly. It really hurt my feelings. It still does actually. I don't count her as a good friend anymore because of her behavior. We're all busy and I don't accept that as an excuse.

That said, I have several other close friends who I only talk to every few months or so (sometimes longer, sometimes not), and our communication doesn't bother me at all. The difference is that while I might sometimes share in the everyday details of their lives, I typically don't, even when we've lived in closer locations. Plus when I talk with these friends it's like no time has passed at all. It's like we've been talking every day.

I can't really explain the difference except that with the first friend we'd really established (over many, many years) an intimate relationship and to have it gone in an instant felt like a real blow. With the other friends we have intimate moments in our friendship but they wouldn't want to here the amazing deal I got at CVS while the first one would (have). I guess that's the difference.

I'm rambling now but my point is that it's what D says: you have to accept it or not. It's really up to you since you're the one who could potentially get your feelings hurt with the lack of communication.