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Post Info TOPIC: Ettiquette re: BMs contributing to BM gift
blubirde


Chanel

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Ettiquette re: BMs contributing to BM gift
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Here's the deal:

I'm MOH and I emailed all the BMs re: how much they wanted to spend on a gift, if they wanted to do a joint BM gift, one gift, several smaller gifts, etc. NO ONE responded at all. Fine. I assume that everyone is cool with whatever I decide and I email them all to tell them that's what I'm assuming (in a nice way, combined with another info. email).

Early on one of the other BMs, J, expressed an interest in the gift-buying so I ask her to handle it, telling her my responses so far (none). I'd kind of settled on $75-$100 per BM for a gift but J thought $50 was more reasonable given the costs of the wedding so far (kinda pricey dresses, travel costs for wedding and bachelorette/shower weekend, add'l lingerie shower, etc.) and I'm totally cool with that. It's very reasonable imo.

I asked J to keep me abreast of all the other BMs contributions, just in case some kind of issue came up. Today she forwarded me an email from another BM, K, the groom's cousin, saying she could only afford to send $20.

K, again she's the groom's cousin but she's around the couple's age and they see the family pretty regular, is 22-23 and a college student. I understand she may not have a lot of money but the bride paid for her bridesmaid dress (because she couldn't afford it), she's not coming to the bachelorette/shower weekend (hence no lingerie shower gift or travel costs), and she's one of the few BMs who lives in our area (no travel costs for the wedding). Oh and the brides is paying for all the BM's hair and make-up day of. So far she's out $0 to be a BM in this wedding. And now $20 is all she can afford to chip in for a gift? I understand not having a lot of money but surely she can come up with $50, right? And if not, couldn't she ask her mom (groom's aunt) for the extra $$$? I've met the entire family and finances aren't really a concern for them, or at least not like this.

Should we just accept her response or what? I'm at a loss and while I'm ticked off, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do to get her to chip in her share. What's the ettiquette rules around all of this?

The other drawback is that I didn't directly communicate with K. J sent the email out re: the final tally on the gift. I sent the exploratory emails seeking input and then gave the task over to J, who sent the final emails settling on the amount everyone should chip in. So K would know J sent me her email re: the $20. I'd assume she'd know I knew everything going but I'd hate to put J in an awkward position...  

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HeatherLynn


Gucci

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Honestly, if no one responded my initial thought is they don't want to contribute. I would probably respond back with a "we can each get our own gifts for her" type thing. If you and one girl want to go in together then you could do that.

If you decide that you still want to go ahead with one gift from everyone I would just take the $20 and contribute it to the pot and call it a day. Maybe she really can't afford more than that $20 and doesn't want to ask her family. She shouldn't be required to give any more than she wants.

Good luck! You are such a great MOH!

-- Edited by HeatherLynn at 23:01, 2008-07-22

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blubirde


Chanel

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I actually asked everyone, in the initial gift-buying email, if they wanted to buy individual gifts or one big group gift. Same response - nothing.

It's too late now (regarding the gift decisions) so we're all contributing (at least I hope!).

I hope I don't sound too asshole-ish here. I understand not having much money - I'm dipping pretty deeply into my savings myself - but why would she agree to be a BM if her entire available income for the wedding is $20?

I'm totally just bitching. Now I'm feeling kinda bad for complaining. :( Oh well. It'll pass.

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Hermione


Kate Spade

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Well,
If you don't know this girl very well, maybe you're not familiar with the situation? It's possible the bride asked her to be a BM and she initially declined, saying that she couldn't afford the cost - and the bride said she would take care of it, which is why she paid for the dress. Or maybe something has come up like an unexpected car repair, or just the increasing costs of gas and food have put her in a bind. If she's living hand to mouth, or paycheck to paycheck, recent developments in the cost of, well, everything could really make $50 a stretch, and I can think of several times in my life (this month included) that would be true for me.

I understand that it's frustrating when one person doesn't pull the same weight as everyone else, but you don't know this girl and so I wouldn't prejudge. (Not saying you are, just saying.) It's also not worth your time and effort to get upset over the extra $30. You've got too many other things to worry about as MOH! I agree with HeatherLynn and say just throw her $20 into the pot and call it a day.


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Hermione


Kate Spade

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Posts: 1029
Date:
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Hey, what ever happened with this?

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blubirde


Chanel

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Posts: 4845
Date:
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Nothing. I never said anything. The BM in charge of the gift just accepted her money and moved on. I still find the whole thing irritating but what are you going to do?

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Hermione


Kate Spade

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yeah - it probably feels like when you do group projects and someone always doesn't do their fair share - i'm still mad about a business class I took that primarily consisted of a group project.

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