STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

I *totally* see your point about your SIL being the host of the party and she seems like a real piece of work.  Maybe you should sit back a minute, though, before you talk to your hubby or SIL again and decide wether the $20 is worth the grief that you're going to get from her (and probably your husband right now).  If you gave her $25, she'd probably hold it against you and blame you if something didn't go right "If only I'd had more money from Halleybird, my mom's birthday wouldn't have been ruined".  Know what I mean?  I hate to suggest caving into her, but it sounds like it might open up a big can of worms.  You obviously have issues to hash out with her, and she needs to be put in check, but you need to decide if this it the issue to start everything on. 

Oh Halleybird--What a nightmare!  I have similar issues with my inlaws--but it's my MIL that is the unreasonable one.  In any event, I know what you are going through.  I think it is extremely rude and tacky of her to a) not send her hubby over to paint your patio and b) ask for $ for a party that she is hosting.  Am I correct in assuming that she and her hubby are the hosts of this party for your MIL?  It sounds like you have had no say in any of the planning--were your names even listed on the invites?  If you are not the hosts, you and your hubby should NOT be paying for any part of the party--esp overpriced favors that I'm guessing you didn't pick out--right??  

This is what I would do- if your hubby already gave her $90 I wouldn't give her any more.  I'd just have your hubby tell her that it appears that you and your H are not the hosts and you will let her and her H take all the credit.  $90 for a party you had pretty much nothing to do with and can't even go to is plenty.  I would also talk to your hubby about these issues and try to explain why you are frustrated.  Maybe you can get him to see your side of it so he will learn from this and not fall for her shananagins in the future.  I would also ask her again about the painting.  I would simply say, "Oh, well if this weekend (or whatever the day is) is not good for your hubby, what about next weekend?"  I would seriously make her send her hubby over to do that for you.  She owes you guys big time.  I know that might sound tacky, but I would be just as persistent as she is about this. After all, it sounds like that is all your asking and that that is nothing compared to all of the favors your hubby has done for her.  Try to get your hubby on your side about the painting so he can help you out in getting her H over there.  Or maybe you could ask her H yourself?  Just an idea.  I feel for you though.  These situations are really tough to deal with.  How long have you been married BTW?  if its any consolation to you, my MIL behaves pretty much exactly like your SIL, and it really took a while for my hubby to realize what a pain in the ass she is, but now, after 61/2 yrs of me trying to convince him of her ways, he doesn't take her BS (most of the time).  I think it takes them awhile b/c they have been dealing with these women all of their lives and are used to it.  it's as if they don't realize this isn't normal until the spouse points it out, so think of this as your job and just have patience.  He'll start to see through her eventually. 

You guys are right...it just sucks that I have to put up with her! I guess if her family doesn't mind her running the show, I am just going to have to deal. By the way, did I mention that she's two years younger than me? She will be around a long time after my MIL and FIL are gone. (I have been married about 8 months, btw, but we dated for 9 years, so I have known them a long time.)

Oh, and here's an awful update: I e-mailed my MIL last night to apologize for not being at her party...I told her that I was informed of the date just recently, and that I was committed to take my sisters to a play (on the same day) since Christmas, etc. Anyway, guess what else my husband and his sister forgot to tell me? It was a surprise party. Guess who looks like a giant jerk now? My husband says he told me, but I never would have forgotten something like that.  And guess what else? My husband also got the date wrong -- I can come.  Ugh. I am never talking again

gasp! i can't believe it... i'm so sorry about that. well what's done is done. it will give you a funny story to tell at party!...??...??.......... sorry again!

quote:

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Originally posted by: lsubatgirl
"well at least it was the wrong day that you told her about.  Well the SIL deserves it for doing this to you.  Karma comes around and this is how it came around on her."

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Unfortunately, I think it came around on me, at least as far as his family is concerned
I emailed my MIL to apologize for spoiling the surprise and explain the mix up (I cc'd it to my SIL to be nice), and no response. She ALWAYS responds really quickly to email.

Halleybird - That sounds so frustrating! My last boss was a person just like that - she made all these irrational demands, schemed like Dr. Evil (she had a list of people she was trying to get fired. I'm pretty sure I was on it), and somehow managed to make it look like everyone else's fault when she screwed everything up.

For what it's worth, I learned a lot from her, including: do not ever discuss one of her demands. If she wants $90, and it's ridiculous, agree with her quickly, and then just don't do it. If she insists, just act more and more vague and more and more polite. I would try something like "How nice that you're doing this party, it must be so much work, everyone thinks it's just wonderful that you're opening your home. Maybe next time we'll host the party..." Just babble. That type of person isn't listening anyway. And they're so insecure that they'll believe the most patently ridiculous compliments. The fact that she's not working in reality is what makes her so hard to deal with. She'll never listen to reason. She'll never care. She'll just twist whatever you do or say to make you look bad. If all you're saying is what a great ol' gal she is, there's nothing to twist.

When my boss would demand that I change something I'd written, I'd say "Oh, of course." Then I'd compliment her on her perspective, pass one something nice someone said about her (OK, that was usually a lie, but wth) and go get coffee. Then I'd come back and say nothing else about it, and she never even remembered what she told me to do. On the other hand, if I stressed out and tried to actually do what she said, she'd just change her mind again, and again, and again, all the while saying things like "this seems like such a simple demand, I can't understand why you're having trouble meeting these basic requirements..." The whole game was in making me do something. But if I didn't do it, she didn't play. Does that make sense?

But your husband caving is a problem, especially since he's already paid her the money. In general though, a few compliments and heaping helping of who-gives-a-shit-what-you-say will pretty much deflect anything she can throw at you.

Oh, one warning: whatever you do, don't try to talk to her like she's a rational person, and don't tell her she's hurt your feelings. A rational person would feel bad or sorry for hurting you, but she'll just keep trying harder, and then criticize you for being sensitive.

Good luck - this type of person leaves you feelign like you just ate ground glass. It's so hard that she's right in your family! I swear though, if you keep this sort of thing up, she'll get really frustrated, and that's funny as hell.

dizzie - can you condense that onto an inspirational poster of some sort that I can hang in my office? I'd also like a few gift size, if that's doable, to pass on to others. This wisdom should be known by all!