STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

Kitty · Hermes

Judgmental Mom rant!!!

Hermione · Kate Spade

Sounds like it's time for you guys to have a talk.
It's unfortunate that your mom didn't realize that she had gotten out of hand when you called her ahead to tell her that.
If you're not comfortable talking to her face to face, or if you think she won't let you finish, write a letter. Write it, put it away for a day or two, and then take it out and re-write it.
I've recently decided (at the age of 26) that I'm too old to be harboring certain resentments towards my parents or unnecessary strains in our relationship. I'm not going to be pulling up old things they did wrong, because that won't do much good, but I will bring up things they can change now. Well, specifically my dad. I'm going to write him a letter because I have no idea how he would respond or if he would be able to (he's like an emotional robot.)
Anyway, when I read your post, that idea came to mind. You're and adult now, and so you have every right to have an adult-to-adult discussion with your mom, and it's in both of your best interest to make changes so that you guys can enjoy eachother.

Kitty · Hermes

I highly doubt she will ever change.

I'm actually thinking that I might need to drastically cut contact with her for awhile. Especially since I am in therapy right now and she seems to be at the root of most of my issues. I think it might be good to have space from her while I sort things out. I'm thinking about only talking to her once a month/every other month for awhile -- just to see how that feels and get some perspective/clarity on the situation.

Hermione · Kate Spade

She may not change, and it might be best for you to do what you are saying, but I still think she should know why you are doing it.

Kitty · Hermes

That's true, and I do plan to tell her.

Kitty · Hermes

I highly doubt she will ever change.

I'm actually thinking that I might need to drastically cut contact with her for awhile. Especially since I am in therapy right now and she seems to be at the root of most of my issues. I think it might be good to have space from her while I sort things out. I'm thinking about only talking to her once a month/every other month for awhile -- just to see how that feels and get some perspective/clarity on the situation.

Kitty · Hermes

Weird..how did the order get messed up of my responses?

blubirde · Chanel

I think you're on the right track. I think you should tell her why you're pulling away (ha! you're on a break with your mom! i'm 12, sorry) and let her fix the problem if she can. If she can't, you have to do what's best for you. If that means letting go of your relationship with your mom for awhile, then do it. Just don't underestimate the emotions that come with limiting your contact with her. But in the end, it may be way easier to get over a limited mom relationship than a constantly negative one.

Good luck.

Suasoria · Chanel

I think it's fine to have superficial relationships with parents. It's tiresome to wait for them to change (and wait, and wait).

I'm sure you've exhausted all possible snappy comebacks at this point, but does your therapist have any recommendations for how to respond without driving yourself crazy? Like, "I'm disappointed that you disapprove of me when I'm expressing myself authentically."

XtinaStyles · Marc Jacobs

Kitty, my mom is very similar. She scoffs if I do something vain, expresses her displeasure at my highlights, or nail polish or whatever. She tells my what I have done wrong in regards to career moves, tells me not to go on interviews, etc etc. I will call her up excited about my dream job calling me for an interview and she will think about it for a few days then call me back to tell me why I shouldn't even call them back.

I think it essentially stems from jealousy and lack of control.

The last time it happened, I actually blew up at her and told her that if she could not share in a positive way my news and accomplishments, I would never tell her anything about myself again. I then held off on communication for a bit and I think she got the clue - she has been better since then.