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Post Info TOPIC: Am I being overly sensitive?
alb


Marc Jacobs

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Am I being overly sensitive?
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Okay--tell me if this is just me being overly sensitive due to hormone issues, etc.  This is not a huge deal, but I'm a little bothered by it and want to know if you all would be:


My hubbys grandmother died this weekend.  She lives in TX (where his parents are and where the funeral will be) and we are on the east coast.  She had been very ill for a long time and her death was not a surprise.  My hubby and I had talked about BOTH of us going to the funeral.  I know that he wants me there for support and I want to be there as well to pay my respects and support him.  His mom (MIL) is in the travel industry so she often gets cheap or free tix for all his siblings for Christmas, to go on random vacations, etc.  She never gets us any deals or free tix though. 


When they first talked about the news, I heard him saying "Well, I know that (alb) wants to go too, and I really want her to come with me."  This must not have registered b/c he said it more than once.  So basically, at best she assumed he was coming by himself.  She was already checking on flights and she said that the best she could do was $200-something and he said, that's fine, we can both go at that price.  We couldn't buy our tickets then for some reason, probably b/c the funeral arrangements hadn't been made yet.  Then she later tells him that the $200 fare is no longer available and the best she can do is to possibly get tix for $400 a piece, otherwise they are in the 1,000 range.  he said that if she can get one ticket at that price, then he will go by himself b/c otherwise it would be really costly.  She was supposed to call today and let him know if she could get the $400 ticket, but she wasn't very optimistic about it.


So today, she calls him and tells him she was able to get him and only him a ticket for less than $100 b/c she "cashed in a favor."  however, since she had to cash in this favor and "pull some strings" she was only able to get one ticket so I can't go.  While this sounds reasonable, on further reflection I started wondering if she even tried to get me a ticket.  I don't really care that much that I'm not going, but I wanted to be there for my husband.  I also have a feeling that she didn't even try to get me a ticket b/c she doesn't care enough about me going, that's kind of how she is.  It probably wasn't worth the effort to her to try to get 2 tickets.  She does things like this all the time so to not even try to get me a ticket would be very consistent with past behavior and her personality.  Maybe I'm assuming too much and it's not that big of a deal & maybe I'm just being overly sensitive about it.  How would you feel/what would you think?  Would you mention it to your husband at all or just blow it off?


 


 


 


 



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alb


Marc Jacobs

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Okay somebody please tell me if this is not a big deal.  Am I overreacting or being high maintenance?

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Dooney & Bourke

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That sucks. I would be pissed, but that's me. If she is in the travel industry and has connections then I would not think it would be unreasonable to ask for 2 tickets, especially since it is a funeral in which case people are generally sympatetic twords.


sorry if I'm being blunt, but again, this is how I would react. Also consider that I do not know all other surrounding factors, which may lead me to be more sympathetic and apologetic twords your MIL.



-- Edited by Lola at 14:36, 2005-01-10

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Gucci

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That does suck and seem unfair. I don't know what you should do though because it seems to be shaky ground. I would just let it go and let your husband grieve rather than mention something to him and start an arguement because he will probably side with his mom if she made up the whole story surrounding the tickets as it appears she did from your post.

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Chanel

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Man! Your MIL sounds like a bitch! (Not to be crude but she does.) In my family, there is no such thing as one person, if they're married. It's always a two-person deal. My brother is no longer just V. He's V&A to everyone. It's not even a question that she's included in absolutely everything family related.


I don't think you're being sensitive. Maybe you can look online and see if you can find a cheap ticket for yourself anyway? Delta is starting the price war, so it might be worth a shot.


But like lsubatgirl said, I'm not sure I would bring it up to my hubbie. It's hard enough to lose a loved one without having to deal with the fact that your mother is a total jerk at the same time.


I say, if you can at all swing it, go to the funeral anyway so she doesn't control what y'all do. Show her that y'all are a team, not two individuals (at least not in this sense).


I hope everything turns out okay!


 



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Marc Jacobs

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hmm...w/o knowing the context of your relationship w/ your MIL, i can't make a call on whether she's excluding you on purpose or not.  but i'm big on trusting your instincts so if you think she did, then i believe you.  here's the thing though--your suspicions (which may be totally true) just don't have any concrete "proof" behind them.  so if you did bring them up to your husband and he totally believed you, what could he really do about it?  if he confronted his mom she'd probably deny it and act indignant and probably call him ungrateful which could lead to a big fight.  since it's delicate time right now, i'd probably just let it go because it doesn't really seem like any good can come from you confronting your hubby or MIL about it.  also, if you really want to be there for your hubby, could you try getting an affordable ticket for yourself w/o using your MIL's connections?

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alb


Marc Jacobs

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Hey girls, thanks for the responses.  I'm glad to know most of you think I'm not being overly sensitive about this.  These things with her ALWAYS seem to happen, and she always manages to make it look like I'm overreacting. 


Blubirde--I totally identify with what you said about your family treating your brother and his wife like they are one.  That is how my family is and I have always wanted for her to treat my huby and that way but she never does.  She even buys me cheaper x-mas presents, etc. (I got $2.99 clearance underwear from the Gap, among other things) and if I say something to him, I look like a bitch.  She never will assume that we are united and if we act like we are she gets all offended.  And, if anything shows her true colors it is the fact that she almost never visited the poor lady (my hubby's dad's mom who just died) while she was sick AND I even overheard my hubby asking her (his mom) if SHE was going to the funeral!!  You know you've got a bitch for a MIL when your hubby has to ask her if she is going to her own hubby's mom's funeral!  When I mentioned it to him he kind of agreed but then defended her and said that she might have had to travel on business (which she does every week)--but still!


Anyway, BB and esquire--I liked your idea of checking the flights.  i checked orbitz and of course there are TONS of fares in the low $400s.  So MIL must not have been totally honest when she said that everything was in the thousands except this one fare in the 400s that she *might* be able to get!  Uggh--I hate how she uses her connections to manipulate ppl!  Okay, I'll shut up now.  Thanks for letting me vent though and if anyone else has any input please let me know!


 



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Chanel

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That would totally upset me and I would think that my MIL purposely did not want me to go! 

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Kate Spade

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you're definitely not overreacting.  from what you've said in the past, it sounds like this woman just likes to make you feel like an outsider...she's probably bitter because you stole her little boy away or whatever, but she needs to get over it.  and (i know you didn't ask for this advice but it gets me a little mad) your hubby should really stand up to her in your "defense."   like "i really want alb to be there with me, so please try to get her a ticket too"...but also in all these other frequent situations where she seems to try to exclude you or make you feel inferior. 


wow, sorry, i just got upset reading that...she could at the very least be nice to you for the 9 months you're pregnant with her grandchild!!


feel free to tell me to shut up.



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BCBG

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I don't think that you're over reacting.  I think you should get your ticket on Expedia or Travelocity and go with your husband.

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alb


Marc Jacobs

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Thanks for the additional comments.  Fireball--I agree with you 100% and it's nice to hear (or read) that someone else validates my opinions & hunches.  Yes I think she is a little bitter that I took her precious son away & b/c he started standing up to her more adamantly and frequently when I came into the picture.  But good lord it's been 6 1/2 yrs!  I think normally he would have pressed for her to get me a ticket but I've been really sick with a cold lately and he had to get up at 4:30 this morning to get to the airport so it was probably better that I stayed here.  I would have pushed it a little more if I weren't sick though. 


Oh and a couple of other things have occurred that REALLY ANNOY ME & make her look even worse--


1.  after she got his ticket, which is for one full day (he gets home tonight after midnight), she tried to guilt him into staying until the next day, even though he would be there for the funeral, wake and everything w/ his ticket as is.


2.  I found out that when she told him about the ticket she got, she didn't say anything about getting only one ticket until he said at the VERY END of the conversation "alb and I will pick the tix up at the airport."  Only at that point did she bother to mention that she neglected to get me a ticket (even after he told him we were planning on me going).


3.  This is the worst one of all---the family will all be at the grandparents' house about 45 minutes away from the airport and hubby had to rent a car in part b/c they wouldn't go pick him up (the other reason is so he can get away afterwards, but still).  Well, its his Dad's mom & family so obviously he will be busy getting ready for the funeral, etc. but his mom didn't offer b/c she decided a couple of yrs ago to boycott driving.  She makes her husband drive her everywhere or she takes cabs (and she lives in Dallas, BTW, a driving city).  Anyway, we thought fine, he'll just rent a car and that way he can at least leave the burial and go straight to the airport without having to rely on anyone else.  So then he tried to get a rental car for over an hour last night and they are all booked!  There are apparently 3 conventions in Dallas and not one rental company had a car available.  So he called his mom and told her about the issue and instead of offering AT THAT POINT to pick him up, she said "I'll see if I can find someone to get you."  Now, mind you, the dad's family doesn't really like her (surprising, huh?) and she has little to no relationship with them so she will NOT be helping with the funeral plans, etc.  She's just lazy.  Anyway, finally she calls back and apparently she roped some cousin into picking him up at 9:00 this morning at the airport!  I'm sure these ppl were thinking "Pick up your own damn kid!!"  As an alternative, she "cashed in a favor" again by calling her "Hertz rep" and gave him the option of renting a car, at the price of $110 to rent it for one day.  Can you believe that??  So he paid it just so he wouldn't have to deal with her. 


Sorry for the long post but it is so great to be able to vent about this here!!  Now you guys can tell ME to shut up! 


 


 


 


  


   


 


 


 



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Chanel

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I'm sorry to say, but WHAT A BITCH!

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Gucci

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She is such a bitch! Why is she trying to make everyone's lives more difficult??!!

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BCBG

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Ooooh, you are so not overreacting.  She is a meanie. 

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Dooney & Bourke

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That woman is terrible. Thank goodness you don't have to deal with her everyday.

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alb


Marc Jacobs

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She's such a pain in the ass.  Now they want to buy a 2nd home here so they can see the baby whenever they want--uggh!  You'd think they would have gotten the hint that we don't want them up here all the time when my hubby told them that our guest room (which they perceive to be their room) will be a nursery soon so we won't have any beds for them.



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Kate Spade

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Oh what a wonderful Grandma she is going to make! She'll probably be an over indulgent grandmother because she has nothing emotional to give the baby.


Just curious, did anyone comment to your husband about your absence from the funeral?



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