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Escrime · Kate Spade

Contacting Estranged Relatives

Ally S · Kate Spade

I consider your inlaws very toxic people and I would continue to keep your ties severed. It had to have been difficult to arrive at the decision to do so and at times even more difficult to keep your distance.

While it is a thoughtful gesture on your part to offer sympathies to a family member, albeit an estranged one, I would not open up that door yourself. If anything might be done or said let your husband make the choice to do it, they are his family and have been nothing but cruel to you both.

In light of your husband's volunteering in Thailand I also think it would be a terrible to time to mend any fences. This is something both of you need to discuss and come to an agreement together about. What if you made and approach and opened the door to more of your BIL or MIL's atrocious comments? You certainly don't need that at this point in your life.

I have had estranged relationships with relatives over the years, a few have been worked out and others never have. Since these were my family members my husband told me the choice to make contact with them would be mine and he would support whatever I decided to do.

Send up a good wish, or say a prayer if you are a religious person for the person who died, but for now let it go then in the future have the discussion with your husband about his dysfunctional family. Perhaps he is more then happy that these terrible people are all but out of your lives.

Good luck.

RyanJ · Coach

quote:

Originally posted by: Escrime
" 2. All three of them pretty much told him that he was wrong to marry an Asian woman and that I would ruin his career.

3. After our marriage, his mother told him that if he ever wanted to talk to her again, he would have to leave me. "

Wow- how scary. It is amazing that your husband didn't turn out to be a monster. I will probably be the minority in the group, but I say don't write. These people were jerks to you and there is no excuse for that. If they try to get in contact with you and you feel that they have changed then I would say go for it, but I don't think anything positive will come out of contacting them. My experience with my boyfriend’s family is no where near what yours has been, but I think the less contact I have with them the better. I just end up getting pissed off about it and there is not thing I can do to change them. If there is something like a death in the family then out of respect for your husband you should contact them, but otherwise I say no.

alb · Marc Jacobs

Wow, that is horrible! In-laws can really be awful sometimes! I tend to agree with Ally and Ryan and would not contact him. I think that no matter how well-intentioned you are, these people are toxic, like Ally said, and contacting them would just give them something to talk about and possibly invite more chaos and drama. If your hubby is gone I especially wouldn't do it. I know how you feel though. My inlaws tend to be shitty at times, and for awhile I always tried to do nice things for them and overlook their flaws, but they never appreciated it and it would just make me more angry. It is much easier for me to be polite to them but not go out of my way to do something nice, b/c it will never get appreciated or reciprocated and I'll end up getting upset. I know you want to do the right thing but sometimes I think we need to protect ourselves from situations and people like these.

blink · Coach

I also say don't write. I consider it your husband's responsibility to contact his family himself, only if he wants to, on behalf of both of you.

trixie · Kenneth Cole

Oh ick, I'm so sorry to hear you even have to deal with this situation. I agree with everyone else - don't make contact, it could open up a whole new can of worms. However, if you and your husband decide to write, I think it would be better if he did the contacting on behalf of you two, as a couple. Good luck!