STYLETHREAD -- LET'S TALK SHOP!

JackieO527 · Dooney & Bourke

Hurt

doveanunu · Dooney & Bourke

wow! That is a really tough situation. I felt some of your pain just reading it! I think that if you don't bring up the situation, everything will just keep festering inside of you. Maybe you should talk to her, in a very non-confrontational manner. Could there be some benign reason why she didn't ask you? Does the other bridesmaid/friend of yours have any input as to why you were not asked? But, I think that if you would rather not bring up the subject to her, you will have to go to the wedding. Otherwise she will know that something is up.

For the longest time, I never had any girls that were friends. Then I met this wonderful girl. We even ended up being roommates one year. It was an amazing feeling to actually have a (female) best friend. The thing is...we had never even gotten in a fight...not even an argument. One day, she did something very unethical. I brought up the subject trying to figure out what was going on. One thing leads to another and we get in a fight. In my world, I feel that all people who are really close will fight ocassionally....however, she apparently felt differently. I approached her, and apologized for my end in the argument...but she never wanted to be friends again. It was very sad and confusing to me. I thought our friendship meant so much more and was so much stronger.... Maybe it was for the best...after the unethical thing that she did I may have never regained my trust in her. Sorry for rambling, but I was trying to empathize with your situation and feelings with my own story. Also, perhaps you shouldn't take my advice b/c I obviously did something wrong when I was in a friend situation.

-- Edited by doveanunu at 08:51, 2005-01-07

Karina · Chanel

I don't mean to be harsh, but I'm the type of person that if I don't receive all the love, friendship and respect that I give to someone, that person will not be a friend anymore. I think your "friend" didn't make you a part of the wedding for a reason (could it be maybe that her fiance or family doesn't like you), and you should sit down to talk with her and understand her reasoning behind this. Let her know that you are hurt and you thought you were best friends, and leave it at that. I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who wouldn't include you in one of the most important days of her life.

sfclinevandy · Coach

My tacky side is coming out, but if I were you I wouldn't go to the wedding. I wouldn't send a gift either. Yes, I know etiquette dictates that you should send a gift if invited, but D's behaviour seems really unthoughtful.

What bothers me is that she hasn't (yet) even asked to participated in ANY way... read during the cerempony, programs, guestbook, etc. I think you should talk to you other best friend to get a better idea of why she choose the other girls.

Another touchy issue... do you think she considers you a BEST friend like she does of you. One of my very best friends from high school and I are still very close but if I had to choose a maid of honor tomorrow I would pick my best friend from college. My friend from highschool is an amazing girl, but I'm much closer to my college friend.

lsubatgirl · Gucci

Hmm... I know the feeling. One of my old roommates got married last year and I thought she'd ask me to be in the wedding but she didn't. She explained it though when she told me who was going to be in the wedding so I didn't feel hurt or anything so that was thoughtful and nice on her part.

My first reaction to your post was get over it and quit being a brat. And then I read Karina's post and initially felt she was being kinda mean. But then I started thinking about it and she has a point. And so does sfclinevandy. I mean if you are really that close to her and she passed you over for others then I would have to have a talk with her and see what the hell is going on.

I also would consider skipping the wedding if it upsets you that much and she can't give you an answer. I am actually planning on skipping a friend of mine's wedding in july if she invites me because of an incident with her fiance back in october. It was a messy situation he had no business butting into and she sat there and yelled at me for accusing him of butting in when he was "too stupid" to even know how to butt in. Yeah right!

Ally S · Kate Spade

I would attempt to talk to her in a non-confrontational way and tell her how you feel. Then you can make the choice whether you want to attend the wedding based on her response.

Are you childhood/teen/HS friends? Sometimes people just grow apart, or one grows apart from the other. Not to hurt your feelings but it sounds to me like she does not put the same value on your friendship that you do. She may very well be closer to the female friends who are involved more closely in her life now.

I know when I got married I did not have my "best" friend in the bridal party at all. We grew up together and were inseperable as kids and teens. but after I went away to college things changed. There was another girl who was my "2nd best friend", she and I fell out of touch when I went to college, but when I came back home she and I reconnected and hung out, did the party scene and clubbed and we became very close again, she was in my bridal party.

I guess my point is just because you once were very close it doesn't mean it stayed that way for her although it did for you. So talk to her about it and let her know it hurt you otherwise it will eat you up for years and make you bitter.

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

i totally understand how you must feel. i would feel really hurt and left out too if i were in your situation. but you need to put yourself in her shoes. when you are a bride you have so many decisions to make and worry about how each one is going to make other people feel. people get so worked up about weddings -- everyone has an opinion about how the bride should do it and they forget its really about her, not them.

D probably pained over the decision about who to have in the bridal party. the thing is, you cannot have everyone and the choice not to include someone could take into consideration a million things. maybe she does feel closer (not meaning that you are unimportant) to the girls she picked, maybe she thought the time/money required to be a bridesmaid would be a burden for you, maybe the girls she picked are psycho bitches who pressured her into choosing them ... you'll never know if you don't talk to her about it. (maybe first ask the other friend like sfclinevandy suggested) just tell her you want to make sure everything is okay between you two -- i'm sure she is uncomfortable about the situation too and probably wants to talk to you but it's hard to bring up ("so, i just want you to know why i didn't pick you")

similar situation: there are 4 of us who have been friends since early high school. e. got married last year and asked c. and i to be bridesmaids, but not s. she just didn't feel that she and s. were as close anymore, and with her 2 sisters and one college friend, the bridal party was big enough. e. had a really hard time with it, as did c. and i, b/c e. never talked to s. about it and we just kind of didn't mention it around her. up until the wedding we were wondering if she knew that we were bridesmaids and she wasn't. in the end, she handled it really maturely and offered to help us with hair and makeup before the wedding, took pictures, and helped seat people. she also made a speech at the reception and was included in group photos. we all ended up closer b/c of it.

i totally disagree with karina "I wouldn't continue a friendship with someone who wouldn't include you in one of the most important days of her life." she has included you by inviting you to the wedding,

and sfclinevandy that you shouldn't go to the wedding. i can totally see why you feel like you don't even want to go, but you have to remember this day is about your friend, not you. if you're ready to write her friendship off over this, then not going would be a good way to do it. but i think you should try to see her side and at least find out what her reasons were first.

sorry, i don't mean to lecture you, i just wanted to share my experience from the other side of your situation. i hope it all works out.
and sfclinevandy

eak · Nine West

I would say don't worry about it, just let it go. I can competely relate though my bf fromwhen I was 8 got married and it was okay that she didn't choose me to be in the bridal party, we weren't as close when I left for college. However, if it wasn't for me, she would never have dated the guy. He was an ex who became my best friend, and I thought it was perfect to hook them up. The real stinger though, I didn't even get to bring a date(my boyfriend and I had just broken up a few months before) and then she put me at the same table as my parents. Oh it was a lovely time

JackieO527 · Dooney & Bourke

I am just confused because I am the only person she makes and takes the time to hang out with. She doesnt hang out with the other girls at all. she calls me all the time, where the other girls go weeks without hearing from her. So maybe she just likes to talk to me and I guess that doesnt mean that we are still close. We have been friends for 12 years. She would come visit me at school and vice versa. I just don't see someone taking that much time and investing time into someone if we werent still close. That is why I am confused Thank you for all of your responses. I will go to the wedding because I am happy for her. Whatever her reasoning for not asking me to be in the wedding party is her decision. I will leave it at that. When the time is right I will talk to her, She has a lot of stress to deal with right now so I will let it be. Im sure when she feels the time is right she will approach me. I was just really pmsing last night so I was an emotional roller coaster.

sfclinevandy · Coach

After reading my previous post, I think I was a little rash. I tend to get heated and act on my anger, hence my advice.

The mature, well-mannered me thinks you should go to the wedding. Maybe your friend thought being in her wedding wouldn't be a big deal for you. Maybe she felt obligated to the other girls for some other reason and just thought you wouldn't mind.

It still sucks for you because you fell left out. My new advice is to go to the wedding, send a gift (but it doesn't have to be a really good one ), and look fabulous and make the most of the party she's paying for. You'll be in a sexy dress and she'll look like a marshmallow in her wedding dress. And... she still may ask you to participate some way.

Chic · Marc Jacobs

I can relate to you, but here is my advice that is different than the others. Last year my best friend asked another friend to be her maid of honor. We had drifted apart and although I was asked to be a bridesmaid I was hurt. Well then I thought to myself that this is half my fault, that if I had been a better friend than it would have been me. I thought to myself what was more important to me, being her best friend again or being her maid of honor. Well since I no longer could be the maid of honor, I made a bigger effort to be her best friend again. It was worth it and actually she told me all the time that she wished she had chosen me as her maid of honor, and that was worth it to me. Well then my other friend just asked me to be an honorary bridesmaid, this hurt too b/c then she used to ask me all the time who would be in my wedding. Well I at first got sad, but then I knew that there was a reason as to why she didn't ask me and I once again got closer to her and we are better for that now.
I used to work crazy hours, weekends and I have a boyfriend of 6 years that I spend all my time with. I really had to make an effort to get my friendships back, and I feel better about them now. Think of it as your own revenge that you can be a great friend to her, ask her if you can help out in any way, and make her regret her decision, because then in the end you will be better friends and that is what is more important.

e_doli · Dooney & Bourke

quote:
Originally posted by: Chic
"I can relate to you, but here is my advice that is different than the others. Last year my best friend asked another friend to be her maid of honor. We had drifted apart and although I was asked to be a bridesmaid I was hurt. Well then I thought to myself that this is half my fault, that if I had been a better friend than it would have been me. I thought to myself what was more important to me, being her best friend again or being her maid of honor. Well since I no longer could be the maid of honor, I made a bigger effort to be her best friend again. It was worth it and actually she told me all the time that she wished she had chosen me as her maid of honor, and that was worth it to me. Well then my other friend just asked me to be an honorary bridesmaid, this hurt too b/c then she used to ask me all the time who would be in my wedding. Well I at first got sad, but then I knew that there was a reason as to why she didn't ask me and I once again got closer to her and we are better for that now. I used to work crazy hours, weekends and I have a boyfriend of 6 years that I spend all my time with. I really had to make an effort to get my friendships back, and I feel better about them now. Think of it as your own revenge that you can be a great friend to her, ask her if you can help out in any way, and make her regret her decision, because then in the end you will be better friends and that is what is more important. "

i love this advice. you are so right on.

alb · Marc Jacobs

That really sucks. I didn't read any of the responses so I apologize if this is repetitive but I wanted to give you my thoughts. I would probably still go to the wedding, BUT I would not talk to her anymore about her wedding plans. i would just be unavailable or get off the phone, maybe avoid her for awhile until she realizes that she cannot NOT ask you to be in her wedding and then expect you to talk to her about it as if she has. That's what her BMs are for, IMO. If she is not going to invite you to stand up for her in her wedding, I wouldn't waste my time helping her plan it or talking to her about it, that's just awkward. Maybe she will eventually get the hint and ask you if you are upset and then you can tell her in a nice way how you feel. I know this seems harsh but I would be a little pissed too. I would still go to the wedding, however, b/c I think not going would be a little harsh. I can understand you not wanting to go, but try to just hang out with your friends and have fun!

-- Edited by alb at 12:29, 2005-01-10

Karina · Chanel

sorry if my advice came off a little bitchy, but thats how i would react.

JoceyBaby23 · Gucci

You should absolutely still go to the wedding.. It is her day and you have to respect that..

I know I prob have some close friends that are mad at me for not asking them.. however, things dont always work out.. like I had asked a friend.. not a best friend.. bc we always do couple things with her bf and us.. my fiance asked her man so I feel some pressure to ask her..

It wasnt meant to be offensive to anyone.. Weddings are stressful enough.. I think if you mention it to her.. her logic in picking bridesmaids might make you feel better about the situation.

nyc_shopgirl · Dooney & Bourke

As a future bride I am still deciding who is going to be a bridesmaid. I already asked a friend of mine and already am regretting it since now i feel like she totally ignores me and every time I talk to her she ignores me. that being said Go to the wedding and support your friend she is your friend and be a good friend by going. Yes it sucks you are not a bridesmaid but show your support and your friendship by being there for her and when your time comes she should be there for you.

Since not being in the wedding bothers you, tell her about it. Just say D, can I tell you something that bothers me? and see how she reacts